How was your day, Dan?

Jeremiah Bills and 'The Great American Baking Competition'

I wrote this for Huffington Post: The Great American Baking Competition

 

HOW TO USE GLOVES

I wrote this email to a restaurant chain that shall remain nameless for now. If I go back and they are still having problems, I'm going public.

 

~~~

 

Dear ________,

I believe your employees in SoCal need a refresher on how, and why, they should wear gloves.

 

I say this because I enjoy eating at your fine restaurants, but I also used to enjoy a certain burrito chain, and then they poisoned a bunch of people because their employees were using dirty hands. Now I don't eat those burritos. I don't want to lose you as well. So this letter is for my benefit as much as it is for yours.

 

A little background: I am an RN, and I was also a health department inspector for a little while, so I know gloves. I change gloves daily on countless occasions. I am also not a fan of gloves in food service, because they give people a false sense of security. Because the hand underneath the glove is clean, the worker forgets that the glove itself gets dirty really fast. So people don't take them off when they should.

 

I have seen your employees on multiple occasions (I eat at your restaurant often) using their gloved hands to remove the lids from food storage containers, open cooler doors, touch cash register screens, touch their own clothing, and (gross!) handle money, and then use those same gloved hands to reach into food bins and touch the food that people would then eat.

 

Anyone who took a college Chemistry 101 class probably performed the experiment of swabbing money and placing the specimen in a petri dish, and coming back a few days later to see what was growing. E.Coli usually showed up somewhere in the classroom. So "don't touch money" should be a no-brainer. But as a health inspector, I was also very nervous about people touching doors to coolers or other surfaces, and then touching food. How do we know those surfaces are clean? We don't.

 

I don't understand why California allows mingling of foods--reaching into a bin with a gloved hand, and then reaching into another bin with that same gloved hand, spreads the food residue from one bin to another. You have bell peppers, for example, which are a member of the nightshade family, and are commonly a source of food allergies. When I worked as a health inspector, I was told to require facilities to have separate serving utensils for each bin. But California is a wacky state, so apparently the health inspectors don't mind it here. So let's let that pass.

 

HOWEVER, when an employee wipes her gloved hands on her shirt and then sticks that hand into a bin of food, that entire bin of food should be thrown away.  (I didn't tell anyone to do this. But when I saw this, I didn't get that topping that day.)

 

I have an exhaustive list of infractions by your employees, but it's just the same thing over and over. Grossness, grossness, dirty dirty grossness. You get the picture. So, in conclusion of this long letter, let me just say this: A hand should be gloved immediately before touching food, never a moment before, and then as soon as that customer's food handling is over, the glove should come off. If that worker needs to touch a surface or cooler door or big white tub of cheese, the glove should be taken off and thrown away, and then a NEW glove should be put on to finish the order. This means, unless you are set up like a Ford auto plant and everyone has only one job over and over, each new customer's pizza gets a new pair of gloves. And, duh, never touch a cash register (?!?!?!) and then go back to touching someone else's food.

 

I am available to host a glove-utilization technique class for your employees in LA, for the price of some free lunch. If not me, you need someone to do it, because this is how that burrito chain got in trouble and spread E.Coli to a bunch of people.  All it takes is one person with dirty hands. Watch yourself.

 

Sincerely,
Dan Renzi, R.N.

OLYMPICS

If the Olympics can support rhythmic gymnastics, air rifle marksmanship, and speed-walking, there are some events that I think should be added to the lineup.

1) Tug Of War
The ultimate team sport, this used to be an Olympic event up until the 1920's.

2) Mixed pairs synchronized swimming
If there is mixed pairs in figure skating, tennis, and whatever else is currently an Olympic sport, there is no reason for there to not be men in synchronized swimming. And with all the men who perform in Cirque du Soleil water shows swimming around, obviously there are enough men who can compete like this. Other levels of competition have competitions with men; see Italy here in the World Synchronized Swimming Championships.

3) Darts
Olympics has a competition for air rifles. Translation: bb guns. If they have bb guns, and skeet shooting, and archery, etc., they can have medals for darts.

4) Polo
There are already numerous horse riding sports in the Olympics, and they are mostly technical competitions. Imagine teams of polo players thundering around the stadium. That would be awesome. And polo is a real sport!

5) Chess
Chess is the most intense of any competition. This one is a stretch for the Olympics, but imagine awarding an Olympic gold medal to a chess champion. And it would allow more countries a chance to win--in this age of hi-tech training, the only chance most countries have to earn a medal is if they have athletes who have the money to train someplace like the U.S.  But chess can be learned and practiced anywhere. Anyone has a shot. That's what the Olympics are supposed to be about.

BOOKS

I am heading to the wilderness for a few weeks, or as long as I can handle living out of my Ford Explorer, and I need some books to read at night while I am hiding from bears.

I don't like e-readers of any sort.

So, should you have a book you think I should read, send it to me. I'll send it back when I'm done, or I will drop it off when I pass by your home in the northwestern U.S. I could take recommendations, but I probably won't have the presence of organizaion to go find a book or order it online. I know myself. I won't read it unless someone hands it to me and says "Read this." 

If you don't need your book back, I can instead send you another book I've read from someone else.

 

I WISH SOMEONE TOLD ME...

Things no one ever told me about what it is like to be a nurse:

Working in a hospital means 12 hour shifts, three days a week. But you will then spend another two days each week feeling hung over.

If you get a job caring for patients on a hospital floor, you won't need to understand anything you learned in chemistry. But learn why having too much TSH identifies hypothyroidism. It really is something you will probably need to understand, and be able to explain to your patients.

The better the hospital, the more shit the nurses themselves have to wipe off their patients' asses. The days of nurses' aides doing all the dirty work are over.

When you do cpr, there is no soundtrack playing like in "Grey's Anatomy." It isn't exciting. It is stressful and sad, partially because it usually doesn't work.

Pressure stockings are magic, for both you and your patients. You will eliminate hours of leg pain if you wear them. Just remember, if your patients are wearing them, take them off for an hour every day to take pressure off the skin. And when you peel them off your patient, cover your mouth and nose, because edema damages skin and it sheds off, and a lot of dry skin will fly through the air when you pull off those stockings. When you breathe in a chunk of that, you won't feel clean for days.

An LPN and an RN are different. LPNs usually work in nursing homes, and doctors' offices. Both places can be great jobs, but RNs make more money. RNs usually work in hospitals. The main difference between RNs and BSNs is...honestly, I'm still not sure. Don't worry about it, you can get a job with an RN associate's degree. Not everywhere, but a lot of good hospitals don't care. And the nursing care at the jankiest hospital should, and can, be exactly the same as the fanciest hospital, so take pride in your work and be nice to people, no matter where you work.

If you are nice to your patients, sometimes they will come back and bring you cake. And those hugs, while they are trying to balance some cake without dropping it as they hug you, have an energy that feels really good.

Never talk to geriatric patients like they are kids. Their mental processes may have declined, but they are still adults, and they understand more than they can communicate. Although it helps to slow down. Practice this with your friends: speak slowly, but not in a condescending way. It is really difficult to find the balance.

In job interviews, ask what your nurse-to-patient ratio should be. Then after the manager gives you an answer, ask again, what it is really. If you have more than 1:6, unless you are desperate for a job, it may be best to look for a job elsewhere. Hospital administrators will sacrifice providing nurses for patient care to save money, and then blame nurses when patients complain. FYI: Texas and Florida hospitals are notorious for giving nurses too many patients.

If your patient is in labor, give her an enema and then tell her to walk herself to the bathroom for a little while. It makes everything a lot more pleasant. The baby will not end up in the toilet.

Psych patients know they are crazy. You don't need to talk to them as if they don't know it. But patients with dementia or Alzheimer's Disease are not psych patients. It's quite different. For example, notice I separated "dementia" and "Alzheimer's Disease." Even those are not the same situation.

Family members of patients are far crazier than anyone in the psych ward.

If you learn how to read an ekg strip, you will make a lot more money than other hospital nurses. At least learn the three lethal rhythms.

There is no addiction stronger than an American's addiction to fast food. And those addicts somehow legitimize it by drinking a Diet Coke. Patients will be in a hospital bed, with heart failure, and they will still ask family members to bring them some fast food, with a Diet Coke. You will never get through to these people, so don't try. But document it as "Patient is non-compliant with diet." And let them see you documenting every hamburger wrapper and french fry container in the room. THAT will make them behave, a little.

Male nurses are usually expected to do more heavy lifting than female nurses. This is total bullshit. Equal pay means equal work. Correction: equal pay means equal effort. They have to at least try to help.

Two words: "travel nursing."

When you unplug a gastric feeding tube, bend the tube to kink it before you unplug it. Gas in the intestines often bubbles back up and you don't want one of those bubbles to pop out of the tube while you are leaning over it to attach a syringe or something. Gross.

Wounds can smell really bad. Like, so bad, you start to panic.

If you work on a hospital floor, you may be asked to hook up a bag of morphine to a patient's IV line, with the intention of killing the patient.

If you give someone a bed bath, you will probably use disposable cloths. But bring a tub of warm water and a washcloth and wash the patient's face and back with it, just because it feels good. And otherwise, the patient will tell everyone he/she never got bathed.

The respiratory therapists will be your favorite people in the hospital because they will suction the mucous out of your patients' trach tubes.

Narcotic pain medication is a wonderful tool to use, and we in America are lucky that we get to use it. A lot of countries do not. But a portion of your work day, as a nurse in America, will be spent giving those legalized narcotics to drug addicts who go to the E.R. with fabricated/exaggerated medical conditions just so they can get drugs for a few days. And those drug addicts are very selfish. They have no problem manipulating you for as long as it takes to get more drugs, which keeps you from taking care of your other patients who are actually in pain.

Be careful which coworkers you ask for help. Pay attention to the nurses who like sports. They comprehend the concept of "teamwork." And they won't talk shit about you behind your back. This is REASON NUMBER ONE that getting girls to play sports when they are young is beneficial.

If your charge nurse sucks, ignore him/her. If the doctor taking care of your patients sucks, quit immediately.

Alcohol detox is hideous. Learn the stages of alcohol withdrawl so you can chart them for your patients correctly. And never turn your back on a detox patient. You may end up with a plastic tooth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LOOK AT WHAT I BOUGHT

 

The idea for this trip came a few weeks ago. Why? I don't know. But I thought, I'm going to drop everything and I am going to drive around the country by myself.

Step 1: Decide to take a trip.

Specifically, I shall drive to the Pacific Northwest.

Not Seattle. Been there, done it. I don't need to see packs of hipsters wandering by, drinking coffee sweetened with lavender honey as they talk about "social media influencers" and say things like "No worries" or "It is what it is" or whatever the new catch phrase is. 

I am going to drive aimlessly through Utah, Montana, Idaho, and Oregon, until I pull up to a body of water that resembles an ocean. And from there, I shall turn left. Goal: see mountains, valleys, and a waterfall or two.

But...my Toyota Corolla shall not make it that far. No. Hmm.

Step 2: Figure out how to get there.

The original thought was to fly up to Missoula or Salt Lake City or wherever, and rent a car. But flights to Montana are seriously like $800 from where I live. Ridiculous, I said. I could take that money and use it to buy a car that would make it, I said. Ha ha, that would be funny, I said. And then I listened to myself.

So today I woke up, I read Craigslist, and a few hours later I bought this.

Since I was old enough to contemplate getting a car of my own, I have always wanted a big black SUV. Not the round, quasi-minivan type that fill parking lots at elementary school soccer games. I wanted boxy, raised-up-on-struts, big tires, shiny black with tinted windows, that isn't really for off-roading, but could handle the job if I were ever chased by assassins and I need to cut through a forest to escape.

And whatta ya know? There it is, I found him. Hello, lovely. What shall he be named? I was thinking "Cash," because that's how I paid for him, in a parking lot behind a bar. Or "Vinnie," because when my mother saw me drive up she said "You look like you're in the Mafia!"

With the seats folded down, I can stretch out in the back, so I shall put a memory foam mattress or something of the sort in there and sleep on the nights I am too scared to sleep outside. But I don't want to bring too much junk with me other than that, in case it breaks down and I have to ditch it on the side of the road and take an Uber to the nearest airport and go home. Which leads me to my next issue:

Step 3: Umm...

...I guess I should, like, get some camping stuff. Or something. I don't know.

HORCRUX

I leave stuff from my childhood in my parents' basement like they are horcruxes from Harry Potter, bits of my soul, as if they are being kept safe down there.

The boxes are never opened, the items are never seen. But if they would be thrown away, a piece of me would die.

 

Hopefully I don't know how to talk to snakes.

photos

Check out my Instagram and tell me which photo you like best.

I am obsessed with taking photos of old barns, but perhaps not everyone shares my enthusiasm for rotting architecture.

instagram.com/d.renzi

Some of the photos on there are just random pics I wanted to put on Facebook. I am aware my photo of Gurdy--in all his cross-eyed splendor--

 

A photo posted by Daniel Renzi (@d.renzi) on Mar 4, 2016 at 9:07pm PST

 

--is not artistically significant. But I love him so the photo shall remain posted.

Suggestions? Comment away.

 

RULES FOR THE FIRST DATE

I got stood up by someone and was really annoyed so I cranked out this written-in-one-draft column and went on with my life.

 

https://www.queerty.com/10-rules-for-asking-out-a-man-on-the-first-date-in-the-age-of-grindr-20160123

 

To be fair, I didn't use Grindr. I have never used it. The editor of the site added that reference to the title. If you are from Grindr and you are reading this, hello. 

So anyway--the post blew up, zillions of hits, talking about it on the radio somewhere in Minneapolis (??) and so... there it is. I think there are typos but at this point they're going to stay there.

 

 

MIAMI NEWS

This is an article in the Miami Herald. Front page news.

 

...about a condo swimming pool. Apparently the tiles around the pool need to be replaced. The governor of Florida was apparently paid off by a hospital to change pediatrics surgery standards--because the hospital was failing the standards, so it was easy to just change the rules--but Miami news is reporting about a swimming pool.

I can't believe I lived there for 8 years.