OBVIOUSLY I AM ADOPTED

(ring)  

Hello?

"Hi honey!"

Hi Mom.

"Whatcha doin?"

Freaking out.

"Oh no. Why?"

I just have a lot on my mind.

"Is everything okay? Do you need something? Do you need me to come down there?"

I'm fine.

"I will come down there if you need me to--"

You're coming in a month for graduation.

"I know. I'm just saying..."

Thank you.

"What's wrong?"

Well...besides graduating and having to find a job, my landlord just told me he sold this apartment building, and we all may have to move.

"Oh, no."

I know.  It's the worst timing.

"When will you have to move out?"

We don't know.  The new owners haven't said what they want to do with the building. But everything around here is being gutted and refinished so they can convert them to condos and vacation rentals, so I presume that's what they'll do with this building, too.

"What about Gurdy?"

What about him?

"Where will he go?"

He'll come with me. I presume the new owners don't want a cross-eyed, agoraphobic cat.

"Oh, good. He's so sweet."

So I just have to hope I can get a job before they make me move out.

"Well, you don't have that much stuff.  Moving won't be hard."

I'm throwing away most of my furniture if I move.  Most of it is junk.  There's no point in paying to move Ikea.

"And you can get rid of some of your clothes."

(pause)

"You have waaaaaay too many clothes."

(pause)

"Hello?"

I'm sorry, what?

"Can you hear me?"

I'm not sure.  What did you just say?

"That you have too many clothes?..."

Oh my God.  Mother.

"What?"

I'm NOT getting rid of my clothes.

"Think of how much easier it will be to move if you don't have--"

If I don't have what? My favorite velvet tuxedo jacket?

"Your favorite velvet tuxedo jacket?  Do you have a less-favorite velvet tuxedo jacket?"

Yes. I have two. No! Three! Two black, one grey.

"When was the last time you wore them?"

Last night, in my dreams. I'm not getting rid of them.

"Okay. But then, why do you need two pairs of green chinos that are exactly the same?"

Wrong.  One is J. Crew, one is...not J. Crew, I forget.  Doesn't matter.  They're totally different.

"But you wear shorts and T-shirts every day.  Why do you need all those clothes?"

Because I like them.  It's like people who live in New York.  They never go to The Met, but they feel better knowing it's there.

"Well good luck fitting all of it into the trunk of your car."

I can save space by wearing some of them.  

"I'd like to see you move in a velvet tuxedo."

I'll look amazing.

Comments

[CarieDM]

Congratulations, on your upcoming graduation, Dan!

I've missed your Mom posts!

[min]

You crack me up. I know you've probably been busy with school, but I have missed seeing your witty posts! Congrats on your graduation!

[Willam]

if you let me wear the grey one, i'll help you move.
WILLAM