ROCKIN' THE SUBURBS--PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE 4

My angry-white-guy, Rockin' The Suburbs brother just can't get enough! Read below.

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Okay, so last week they had to design clothes based on trends that used to be cool but really are ugly, right? It was total bullshit. Chris the theater guy got cut even though Ricky's was the ugliest, but Ricky is good for drama and Chris is too nice to be on reality TV.

So this week starts and everyone is totally bummed that Chris is gone, like Sweet P is sitting on her bed cutting herself and crying, like I can't believe Chris is gone, I miss him so much although she probably cries like that every day. Then they go to Jack, and he's holding a pack of ice on his face?...and he's all like There's something wrong with my face and his lip is all swollen, and he starts telling this story about how he gets fucking staph infections in his skin sometimes?!?... And he's not going to the doctor or anything. WTF, there is definitely something wrong there, buddy...but he's just sitting there with ice on it, like that will do anything. It's like when those girls on Maury Povich are pregnant but they didn't know, and then one day they thought they had to shit and BOOP a baby comes out and they're like Maybe I should have gone to the doctor! But Jack is like It's not because I have HIV, I just get these deadly infections in my face sometimes, no big deal. I dunno about that. But he's holding the ice, and he's like Do you think I can sew with one hand?...and y'know, when I'm on the internet I type with one hand all the time, you get used to it.

So they go to the runway and there's Heidi, and she looks totally hot, she has this little skirt and you can see that body. Dang. And she's like We will discuss your new challenge now! Bring out the models! Schnell gehen! but instead of their normal girls, all these older ladies walk out, they look like the moms who live on my street. And they're all wearing these huge baggy clothes, right? And Heidi is like You will listen to me now! Look at your models! They are dressed in filth! This is because they used to be fat! and apparently all the people on the stage just lost, like, a hundred pounds or whatever. So you know Heidi dressed extra-hot on purpose, just to be like Good work on losing the weight, why don't you go eat a sandwich, you never look like this. But then she is like These women are wearing the clothes they wore before they lost their weight! You must use the fat clothes to make something new for them to wear! and everyone is like Cool except Christian who is like Fuck this, I don't design for fat people. I want to crush that Christian kid like a grape.

So then Heidi chooses names out of her back to assign designers to each of the women. Except one of the women is this lady in this huge wedding dress, and all the designers are like Please please don't let me get Bridezilla because this dress has all these ruffles and plastic beads and stuff and it is huge. And Heidi chooses a name for her, and it's Steve, that guy who makes all the bad jokes. And he's like I'm screwed, there's no way. Sucks to be Steve I guess.

So then they all go to the fabric store and they get $10 to buy extra fabric if they want, and everyone is buying little shit to add to their clothes, except Steve buys a bunch of black fabric and is like Fuck it, I can't sew with polyester, I'm doing something else which obviously means he's going to lose. So this episode is over already. Dummy. And I'm pretty sure that the $10 shit fabric he bought isn't much nicer than the lady's wedding polyester.

But then they go back to Jack, and seriously, his lip is all swollen. His lip is about twice the normal size, there is totally something wrong with him. And Sweet P is like Jack, what the FUCK is wrong with your face? and Jack is like I dunno and Sweet P is like You look like you're on 'Dr. 90210,' I think you're on the wrong show and Jack is like But if I'm sick I'll have to quit, and this is my dream and Sweet P is like If being on this cable TV show is your dream then you gotta dream bigger, sicko! Call your doctor! and Jack is like Damn, I gotta call my doctor and he leaves to get on the phone. And surprise surprise, his doctor is like Jack, your face isn't supposed to be falling off, I think you need to go to the hospital so Jack comes back to Tim and is like I gotta step. And Tim is like Word. And Jack goes to the group and is like Thanks for being cool, I'm out. And everyone is really sad. Jack was pretty cool. Except Christian is like Don't trip on your own face when you leave, bitch. Better you than me.

So Jack leaves, and they go back to sewing, but everyone's sewing sad clothes, they're all bummed out that Jack had a problem. And then that douche Ricky The World's Best Designer walks over to the mirror, right? And he's making his lady a tight pair of jeans. So he puts the fucking jeans on himself and slaps on a gold pair of hooker heels and is like Muy caliente! and starts posing in front of the mirror. Except his belly is hanging over the jeans and his feet are hangong over the shoes. It's pretty funny. And he's like I just want to see how everything fits and everyone is like Well if this were a fashion show for ugly bitches, you'd be a star, fancy boy and it makes everyone laugh a little.

Then Tim comes in, and he's like Hello children! Have you been naughty or nice? Because Christmas is coming early this year, I have a surprise for you! and everyone is like What is it Uncle Tim? and Tim is like Look over by the door and the door opens, and in walks Chris the theater guy! He's pretty cool. And Tim goes Since Jack left, we brought back the last person to get cut! and I guess Chris lives in New York so he could just drive down the street and come back to the show, no big deal. And everyone is freaking out, like No way! and Rami is like Yea! and Sweet P is like Yippie! and Christian is like, Great, one more person I can destroy on my quest for world domination. You know what? Christian reminds me of Stewie from Family Guy. Stewie: Evil gay baby with a weird speaking voice who wants to destroy everybody. Christian: Evil gay baby with weird speaking voice who wants to destroy everybody. Except Stewie doesn't have a haircut that looks like a his head is on backwards.

So they tell Chris how the challenge is making clothes for people who lost weight, and Chris is like Making clothes for big girls is easy! I make myself dresses all the time! And then they tell Chris when everyone leaves at the end of the day, he can stay and work all night, to catch up. So Chris starts making his dress, and he's in a hurry so he's just slapping his shit together. And Tim comes in and is like Hold on there, we didn't bring you back to make crap! What the fuck is this? And Chris is like I dunno and Tim is like You better figure it out now, before it's 3 in the morning and you can't think straight and Chris is like I never do! and Tim is like Just be careful, at 3 AM you might make some bad decisions, I have made more mistakes at 3 AM than I can count. Hello! Yeah, you and me both, buddy. I guess Versace makes beer goggles too for guys like Tim. Boo-ya, Tim is a baller, yo. And everyone is like Word up! Tim's got game! and he's like Yeah I do and he leaves, lookin' pimp.

But then the show goes back to Stewie, and his clothes look good I guess. He re-sewed the lady's jeans to make them fit and he made a black shirt with those fuckin' poofy sleeves he always makes. And he's talking smack again, he's like My clothes are the shit! I am da bomb! These bitches better recognize I'm the man! Blah blah blah. And Sweet P is like That's it, Stewie is dead, I'm killing him and everyone is like Don't do it, there are cameras here and Sweet P is like Sleep with one eye open, punk. Ha, Sweet P is through with Stewie. That makes two of us. And then they all leave for the night, and leave Chris behind to sew his ass off all night.

So the next day comes, and they go to the workroom and Chris is asleep on the couch in a puddle of his own drool, and they wake him up and he's like Where am I? and they're like You're on Project Runway, fool and he's like Again?? Didn't I leave already? This is like Groundhog Day, I can't get away and they all go back to work. And everyone is just sewing, and the models come in, and everyone's clothes are fine, everyone is chillin. Except Ricky looks at his lady in his jeans, he made her clothes really tight 'cause she's got all sorts of ass and he's like Back dat ass up! and she's like 'Aight and she puts it all on and she looks pretty good. And he's like THIS IS WHY I AM A FASHION DESIGNER YOU LOOK AMAZING FASHION IS SO IMPORTANT and he starts to cry because he's so proud of himself. But I think he's really crying because he's so happy he's not going to be in the final 2 again, for like the first time ever. Dumbass.

So Kevin finishes his clothes, he makes this yellow dress out of his lady's jacket, and she looks good, and Kevin is like Yeah boyee! Kevin in da house! How you like me now? I got dis shit! because he thinks he's going to win. And he goes over to Steve and is like You need some help, my man because Steve is starting to panic, since for some reason turning a white polyester wedding dress into a black skirt isn't working out too well for him. Hmm, I wonder why. And Victorya finishes hers and starts to help Steve out too. So you know he's in trouble if they'll help him out even though he's the competition. But you know he's going home, so there's no point.

Then the fashion show starts, and everyone looks pretty good except Steve's, and Elisa's is weird too but it's no big deal. And when they're giving critiques, they look at Steve's ugly black dress, and Michael Kors is like This is so ugly I'm speechless and Steve is like Well then shut the fuck up old man! You try making a dress out of white polyester! and everyone is like Tough shit, there's no excuse. So the final two is Elisa and Steve, but of course Steve gets cut.

And the winner is Stewie but it pisses me off a little bit. Kevin should have won.

Comments

[Matthew]

Jack comes back to Tim and is like I gotta step. And Tim is like Word.

This was the best line...looking forward to next week.

[Bill H]

Brilliant, absolutely brilliant! Another great recap from your brother, Dan. Best line was "...and he leaves, lookin' pimp." Tim was TOTALLY pimp last week. Can't wait for tomorrow's episode. Frankly, I think that girl with the red dress should have gotten the axe as she didn't even use the damn clothes. Yeah, Steve's was horrible, but at least he included some fabric from the wedding dress. And, Kevin should have won simply because he's the hottest guy on there. His dress was pretty fly, too.

[erik]

ha ha ha, the PR listserv i'm on decided that it's sad to see stephen leave, because he was a little like charlie brown. and then someone said that they could see sweet pea holding a football for him to kick, only to pull it away at the last second. then stephen would say, "good grief." and christian (woodstock) would flutter by.

[Krista]

I don't even watch the actual show anymore, I just come here & read your lil bro's recaps - he has found his calling. Love him.

[MisAnthrope]

ROFL - thanks for the great recap. I can't stop laughing!

[Joan]

Are your parents funny, too? That was hilarious.

Stewie = Perfect

Stewie's Hair = Rosie O'Donnell's unfortunate choice of a Flock-of-Seagulls like hairdoo.

[Sephora420]

> And everyone is like Word up! Tim's got game!
> and he's like Yeah I do and he leaves, lookin' pimp.

OMG finally i've stopped laughing long enough to type this.

[magickat]

This is the most kick-ass recap of any reality show episode ever. There are so many quotables I wouldn't even know where to start.

I can't stop laughing!

[cyn]

I look so forward to these each week... and the Stewie reference-LOVE IT! Thanks bunches

[smaile]

whats up with the red dress. she used 2 strips of the original material down the front of the dress and made her own design. the dress was great, but she didn't even use the material. but steve was lame to not use any of the wedding stuff. he could have made a wicked boustiea (sp) and had it hiding under a black wrap. like a sexy pekaboo thing. oh well. i like the yellow strapless also. that lady looked great.

[Hephaestion]

I think Christian deserved to win. Kevin's was nice, too, but I thought lil' Christian's outfit was incredibly impressive.

I just wish Elisa had been eliminated instead of Steve. Her outfit was ridiculous and ugly, and Steve's design at least looked decent even if he didn't get it properly finished.

I hope that Jack is OK. A teacher here in the DC area recently DIED of a MRSA infection, which is what Jack had. So thank God he left to get proper treatment.

[meg]

cindy, steve is so totally french stewart!!

I think Christian is a combo of Mango and Stewie though (crazy hair, wants to rule the world).

I'm sad that Jack got sick and sad that he also had to leave... but I am happy that they brought Chris back - I definitely think he got the boot too soon.

and Kevin TOTALLY should have won - I WANT THAT YELLOW TOP!!

[Stephen]

Your brother is the best.

[Anna]

Mexican Hobbit, that brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

Hilarious

[Kristen S.]

These are the greatest.. every time I watch the show I think about how you will summarize it!

[Nino Noir]

ROFL!

This had to be my favorite part: "Boo-ya, Tim is a baller, yo. And everyone is like Word up! Tim's got game! and he's like Yeah I do and he leaves, lookin' pimp."

And WTF is up with Rami always getting the shaft? He's definitely the hottest. And Kit makes cool stuff, just nobody ever notices because Stewie is acting like a douchebag and Jack is hogging the limelight (so gay).

Lovin' it!

[cindy]

That was hilarious!! Great job. Although to me, Christian is more Mango from Saturday Night Live than Stewie and poor departed Steve is really French Stewart.

Cheers!
cindy

[Dean]

"...and he leaves, lookin' pimp."

Genius.

[Jeff M]

This has got to be the best summary your brother has written! I can barely stop laughing long enough to type this. Look forward to more of his "insight".