Angry White Guy strikes again

My angry-white-guy, rockin-the-suburbs brother wrote another recap of Project Runway. If you haven't read the others, go here for the rest..

Read on:

~~~

Whoa. I want to say what happened right away but I won't. It's crazy, y'know? It's like...whoa. Hang on a sec.

Okay, so Andrae got cut last week, right? And they gave the winner immunity for this challenge, for some reason, I don't know why they did that, and Daniel V won it. So this week, Daniel V is all Ha ha, I could send my model down the runway in a thong and some bullshit and I ain't going nowhere, because I gots da i-mun-i-TAY, baby! and Nick is like Gotta step it up this week since he was in the final two last time, and Santino is doing his whole I'm Sizzle the Shizzle, I'm the best! thing again. Dude, they must have wanted to kill him.

Anyway--

So they all go to the runway, and Heidi is like Your next challenge is to design clothes for each other! And this will be the hardest of all! Because you are disgusting! Hässliche Kühe! and the designers are like No way! and Heidi gets out a bag with their names inside and draws names to see who will design for who. So Santino will design for Kara, Kara will design for Santino (weird how that worked out,) Nick will design for Daniel V, Chloe will design for Nick, and Daniel V will design for Chloe.

But then it was totally fucked up, because they have to do that model-picking thing, and they bring out Daniel V's model and Andrae's old model--and Andrae's girl is crying! And it wasn't cheesy boo hoo crying, she's just chillin, with big tears all over her face. And Heidi is like Daniel V do you want to switch models and Andrae's model looks at him and is like snif! just to rub it in, but of course Daniel V is like No but he says some nice things to her, and Heidi is like Then get the fuck out out of here bitch! and kicks her ass off the runway. I'm just kidding! Heidi really didn't do that. It was sad.

So then they all go to the sewing room and Tim is there and he's like Surprise surprise, lovies! You're not using the models this time! Because you're going to model the clothes yourselves! and all the designers are like Old man, you frontin'! and Nick is like Wheeeee! and is lighting himself on fire, he's so excited he gets to prance around like a runway model for real this time. Then Tim is like Make it work! and they all get together to say what they want to design for each other. So Santino tells Kara I'm gonna clean you up, you look like a dirty hippie and she's like Oh yeah? Well I'm gonna make you wear golf pants! and Nick tells Chloe I want you to make me look like Italian Eurotrash! which I don't think sounds good, but maybe Nick has a thing for ugly Italian guys, I dunno, and Daniel V tells Chloe he wants to make her look slutty so when she goes to the bar she won't have to buy her own drinks. And Chloe is like Score! cause she's all worn out after all this sewing, she just needs to have a drink and chill out.

So they go buy fabric, and of course Santino is totally bossing around Kara, like Buy this for me and buy that for me, I want to look supa fly! and Kara is like Uh, dude, I've picked out fabric before, leave me alone and they buy their stuff and go back to the sewing room. And right away Nick is, like, blowing up the sewing machine, totally kicking ass, and he's all You snooze you lose, fuckers! I got a secret weapon! I make men's clothes in my real job! and everyone's like No fair, Nick's already sewing! and Chloe is still trying to figure out which way her fabric goes on the mannequin, she's like Uh, I have no idea what I'm doing, I've never made men's clothes before, I'm so screwed and Santino isn't doing anything, he's just standing over Kara bossing her around, he's not even working on his own shit, like You better start cookin', cause the Sizzle needs to be SMOKIN' up on that runway! and Kara is like Please shut up! You're stressing me out and I'm going to start cutting myself again!

So Chloe figures out what she's doing, and she makes some pants for Nick and he tries them on and they look cool, and Santino can't handle someone looking better than him, so he's like Whatever, Nick, you still look like crap! You can't polish a turd! Seriously, he really said that. And of course Nick just gets all pissy and storms off to the sewing room and is like Santino is such a meanie! and Kara is like Nick, stop being such a queen and chill out! But then Nick goes back into the main room and is like I'll show him, I'll give him the silent treatment and then he'll really be sorry! and he goes and starts ironing his clothes and won't talk to Santino at all. And when Santino tries to talk to him, Nick takes the iron and shoots out steam, like it's his Iron Of Rage and he's using it to cuss him out. So Santino is like Nicky, don't be mad at me and Nick takes the iron and is like PSSSSSSSH! and Santino is like Come on Nicky, baby, let's be friends and Nick is like PSSSSSSSSH! and Santino is like Please talk to me and Nick is like PSSSSSFUCKYOUSANTINOSSSSH! so Santino is like Fine, if you're not going to talk to me, I won't tell you that suit you're making looks like shit! because it does.

That's when Tim comes in and he's like Nick, you've been talking big game, but this piece of crap you're making looks like girl clothes! because Nick is making Daniel V a whole suit, but he picked out this really girly purplish-gray fabric. So Nick is like Whatever, when Daniel V wears it he'll just have to butch it up! like that's so easy. That's like telling Chloe to be tall. It's not gonna happen. But Nick knows what he's doing, he'll figure it out.

So since they're the ones modeling they go to the makeup room, and they have this stylist who is like Damn, you are the ugliest bunch of motherfuckers I have ever seen! because they've all been locked in this sewing room with no windows like they're child laborers in China making sneakers for Nike, and they're all pale and greasy and fucked up. So everyone gets haircuts and makeup and stuff, and all of the sudden Santino comes out of the room--and they totally cleaned him up! Like, they cut his hair, and shaved most of that crap off his face...he looks alright. Who knew he was under there? And he's all I'm hot shit! I look like Brad Pitt! and Kara just about has a heart attack because she can't believe he looks like a human. Then they wash all that greasy crap out of Daniel V's hair and blow dry it out or something?...and he totally looks like a lesbian. Seriously, somewhere Chastity Bono is licking her lips, looking at Daniel V. But I don't think when Nick said he wanted Daniel V to butch it up that "look like a lesbian" was what he meant.

Then they're getting ready for the runway show and they're all trying the clothes on, and Daniel V's outfit for Chloe is a red dress with this weird leather body-armor vest thing that makes no sense. And Chloe is like Why don't I just roll around in some horse shit and call it clothes? because it's the dumbest thing any of the contestants have ever designed. Seriously, it's uglier than all of their ice skating costumes all rolled together. Then Santino makes Kara wear this weird Star Trek suit that's all one piece, and Daniel V is like That thing is ridiculous as if he has room to talk, but the Star Trek suit's not even finished because Santino spent too much time bossing around Kara about his own clothes. So he's like Stand still, bitch! I gotta tape this together! and he totally tapes the clothes to her body. Then Nick puts his clothes on, and it's black pants with a pink shirt and a black vest with a shiny pink back, and he's like Uh, I look like a flight attendant. And he totally does. But then the clothes Santino is wearing are pretty fly, Kara made these orange plaid pants and a cool shirt that matches his hat. And he's all I'm big pimpin! but it's like, duh, of course you look good, there were two people making them since you were helping Kara the whole time, and isn't she the competition, dumb ass?

So then they have the runway show, and the guest judge is some guy who is a stylist or something? Never heard of him. And everyone comes out for the show, and they all walk, and Nick walks like he took lessons at Barbizon. And then they all line up, and the judges are like Daniel V, Chloe looks like she got dressed by a blind person! What the hell were you thinking? and Michael Kors is like She looks like a reject from Knots Landing! and Daniel V is like I ain't hot about it! Say what you want, I gots da I-MUN-I-TAY! and he just sticks his nose up in the air. So then they look at the clothes Daniel V is wearing, and Michael Kors is like Nick, this suit looks like you bought it at Wal-Mart! It's all mushy! because the fabric is too flimsy to be used for a suit, I guess. It's all wrinkled and fucked up. And then Michael Kors is like It looks like something from The Golden Girls! since apparently he's on an 80's TV show kick today. And then they look at Kara, and she's standing there looking like she got lost on her way to the Trekkie convention, and the judges are like So, Kara, how do you like your outfit? and she just stands there and doesn't say a WORD. So Santino jumps in and is like She loves it! She told me so! but the look on her face is like I'm going to be cutting myself all night to get over this shit.

So they all go back stage and the judges are talking about the clothes, and Heidi is like That stupid dress Daniel V made is crap! Ich habe es gehasst! but it doesn't matter, they can't kick him out. And they all hate Santino's stupid outfit for Kara, except that guest judge stuck up for him and said at least he tried something new. But that's what they always say. Then they show the designers backstage, and Santino is pouting by himself because he knows he made stupid clothes yet again, and the other four are looking at the Star Trek suit, and Chloe is, like, pulling pieces of it off since the whole thing is held together with chewing gum. And Chloe is all pissed, like This is such bullshit! I made three pieces! because she made Nick an entire outfit and Santino should have had enough time, and she knows they'll let him stay just because he's Santino. And Kara is crying because she feels bad she didn't lie and say she liked it, but I don't blame her, she looks nuts in that thing.

So they bring them all out again, and Heidi is like Daniel V, you are so lucky you had immunity, you would have gone home today! and he was like Suck it, bitch! and they let him go backstage. And then they really liked Chloe's clothes for Nick, since they were made well, and they liked Kara's clothes for Santino. Chloe wins. So the final two are Santino and Nick--

AND THEY SEND NICK HOME.

Like, what the fuck? I thought he was going to be final three for sure! But his suit for Daniel V was crap. And that sucks. Dude, I don't know who's gonna be kicked out this next time. Kara is getting lucky all of the sudden, but if they've kept Santino around this long...hmm.

I am way too into this show, dude.

Comments

[Kel de Texas]

Ugly Cows! Love it.

Dude, you are way to into this show, I swear, you must be turning bi or something.

Daniel V was all "Suck it" when Heidi told him he was lucky not to be kicked off. I'm so sick of Kara's crying ass, I hope she goes next!

[Ben]

"So since they're the ones modeling they go to the makeup room, and they have this stylist who is like Damn, you are the ugliest bunch of motherfuckers I have ever seen! because they've all been locked in this sewing room with no windows like they're child laborers in China making sneakers for Nike, and they're all pale and greasy and fucked up."

There's always that one quote in the review that makes the whole thing worth reading...lol. I was itching to read this review - I check back religiously every day after the show airs to see if it's posted. Love me some rocking white guy from the suburbs!

~Ben

[Tippy Thomas]

"I'm going to be cutting myself all night to get over this shit."

THAT'S the quote.

[Janeye]

FINALLY.....I had to wait 2 whole days for this recap! These make my week and the quotes....too many, too funny! Thank you, thank you angry white guy rockin' the suburbs brother..the recaps are better than the show!

[Rudy!]

Let the truth be told: I don't watch that show anymore.

This is better. Kudos to you!

[char]

Who are you Dan's brother? Do you look anything like him?!! Wit runs in the family - that has got to be the funniest recap in history. Bravo

[Kim]

Smooches to you for putting this up today! I'd been checking!

[mary]

God. I was going to quote what I liked best about your recap but then I realized I'd be quoting so damn much it'd look like a re-post and shit. Iron of Rage... OMGGGGGGG. Too freaking funny. And Kara sho' has been getting lucky as hell lately. Who knew? I'm sick of all her crying!

[mags]

Nick was f-ing robbed. Santino should have gotten The Auf. Ridiculous.

[Randi]

Wanted to let you know I didn't fall off the face of the Earth. Got grounded for a month. Got off of it. Now I'm back. Whoo. That was a mouthful. Anyways, I'm going to go and read the rest of what I missed. Tootles.

Randi

[Hephaestion]

Nick. Wuz. Robbed.

I now call it "Project Pile of Crap," but unfortunately: "Project Runway I can't quit you!!!"

[Marie]

No effin' way peeps - Nick's stuff began sucking weeks ago. I even hated his Barbie outfit. I really like him as a person, but his stuff is not very original or pretty. Plus Dan's "little bro" was right, he was acting really prissy and immature. Yeah, pouting - that really sends a message, that really works (rolls eyes). Riiight. Good message to send to the students he teaches. Ay yi yi.

[Stephanie]

BOO! They showed the final 3 on tonight's Access Hollywood. They were showing Heidi at the runways shows during Fashion Week. Debra Messing is the guest judge. I did not want to know yet!

[Erica]

Nick's suit did suck, but Santino's outfit blew chunks. Plus, he was lying out his ass - she was NOT bouncing around backstage. I probably would have refused to wear it. The nicest thing they said about it - Kara has a nice body... well, Santino dude, you have nothing to do with that. If I had been Kara, I may have been chicken enough to say something, but I would have started scratching on my legs and complained that the glue was making me break out.

[Liz]

"Seriously, somewhere Chastity Bono is licking her lips"

LOL* How did Chas (pronounced Chaz with a Z) get brought into this? I like Chas though, she seems like a cool person.

Michael Kors was hysterical last week! I love him. His clothes are so gorgeous too. The best was when Santino, a while back told Michael his clothing was for an older client!!! LOL* I thought poor Michael was going faint dead away. Do you remember that Dan?

[Dub C]

Nick went bye-bye. I don't even know if I wanna watch it anymore. I'm sure my boyfriend would pleased but like Hephaestion said, Nick. wuz. robbed.
*tear*

Oh yeah, great recap! =)

[Hephaestion]

Didn't Kara's outfit for Santino look like she just popped into Target and bought a few random, cheap clothes?

I didn't see a damn thing wrong with Nick's suit for Dan. I thought it was the best look on the stage.

[Glenn C]

Hi:

Michael Kors is so-o boring!!! After weeks of his bitchiness, it is just old and tired. Get some new lines, Michael. When he hates an outfit he makes some snippy jab like,"It looks like Little Abner on crack". He's just one note. And he complains about Santino's over the topness. People in glass houses should not throw stones, Michael.

We get it. You're a fat old troll with a viscious sense of humor who is biter because you probably only gets laid once a year at gay pride! You should be happy because you're are on TV now and maybe you'll get some young boy toy to go out with you like Elton John did. And if you're lucky you can go to Canada or England and make it legal. So cheer up and quit the hateful comments. Life is too short.

[Chris]

Haha "roll around in some horse shit and call it an outfit" indeed. Your commentary is very funny, keep it up.

At the end of every show is a quicksilver bit of text that says something to the effect of "Project Runway judges consult with Bravo producers every episode when making decisions," so it's pretty clear that they kept Santino for shock value, and he is smart enough to know that he's the gay Omarosa. It'll get him through to the end of Project Runway, but is it going to be good for a long-term career in the fashion industry?

Also, it occurred to me that Santino might have grown that beard so that he could shave it off after the show and not be recognizable, cuz otherwise in a couple weeks he won't be able to walk down 8th Avenue without queens throwing garbage at his 7-foot-tall-Osama ass screaming about how Nick wuz robbed and shit.

[Jonathan Chang ~ Socialite Extraordinaire]

This is my new favorite blog! I'm laughing so hard, I think i pissed myself!