I Want Your Big Red Lobster!

Project Runway re-cap. Thanks to my angry-white-guy, rockin'-the-suburbs brother.

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Okay, so last episode, Zulema got kicked off after she fucked over Nick and stole his model Tarah, right? So this episode starts with Nick going,

like Fuck that bitch, I'm glad she's gone, I hope she got hit by a bus on her way out of the building! and Chloe is like Zulema sucked, I don't care and Kara is like I'm just as surprised as everyone else that it wasn't me! Then they go to the runway to hear about their next challenge and Heidi is like You must make a dress for a garden party! But that's all she says, she's like I will tell you no more! Sonst nichts! You will find out more tomorrow! and everyone is like Damn, not this bullshit again.

And then Heidi asks Daniel V if he wants to change models since he won the last one and he's like Uh, no and that means Tarah the hottie is kicked off, since Zulema used her last. And as she leaves, I swear to God, Nick has a tear in his eye and is all I'm dead inside! She was the hottest! And she looked up to me!, whatever that means, and then he was like Oh my God I'm freaking out! I can't believe this! She's gone! as if the minute she walks off the runway they shoot her. But he can't pout much because then Heidi goes We are done here! Get out! Verschwinden sie schewin hoden! and Nick just drops it and they all go back to the apartments and get fucked up on the roof.

So the next morning, Tim comes to the guys' apartment and is all Knock knock, boys! We're going on a field trip! Everyone go potty before you leave! and he hangs out with them while they get ready to go. Tim is cool. Then he gets up to leave and he's like Okay, I need to go tell the girls now, and I was like, uh dude, you just did. Ha! Just kidding. Anyway, so he goes next door and tells Chloe to finish getting ready and he tells Kara to stop cutting herself with a razor blade and they all leave, and they walk down the street to a plant store and Tim is like For your next competition, you have to make your dress out of plants! and everyone is like What the hell? and Nick is all Motherfucker, this is so stupid! Why did I stick around for this punk-ass make a dress out of flowers bullshit? I should have quit when I wanted to last challenge! So they all go shopping, no one knows what to do, and Santino is buying poison ivy and venus flytraps and stuff and Chloe is buying lots and lots of the same plant that has tiny little leaves, and Kara is just picking up whatever she happens to walk by. But then Tim is like Where the fuck is Andrae? and Andrae is walking around outside with all his shit he bought, like Who's the A to the N to the DRAE, muthafucka? I used be a florist! You better recognize! and he's like I got this one DOWN! so at least he'll make a cool dress.

So they all start sewing, except they're not really sewing, they're just gluing all their leaves and stuff to fabric. But then Tim comes in out of nowhere and says Surprise surprise, my little cub scouts! Whoever wins this challenge gets immunity for the next round! which I don't get why they're doing that now, but whatever. Weird. And Santino is all Sizzle the Shizzle in da house! I'm a hustler, baby! I'm gonna win that immunity shit just to piss everyone off! and he starts licking his lips and flames shoot out of eyes and stuff. So we're back to cannibal-Santino, which is cool, he's better that way.

So Kara is braiding this stuff that looks like long grass, and Tim is like What the hell are you going to do with that? And she's all Fuck if I know! Maybe I can smoke it! which she says like she's kidding but you know she really wants to. And then he goes to Daniel V and he's like Are these purple flowers yours? and Daniel V is like Yes, they're so gorgeous, just like me! and Tim goes to Nick, who is gluing STEMS to his dress, and Tim is like Nick, the only person who would wear a dress made out of flower stems is Morticia Addams, and she's not a real person! Your dress is shit! and Nick is all I didn't buy enough stuff, so I have to use everything I got! and Tim is like You're an idiot.

But then Tim goes to Chloe, and she's picking every single tiny little leaf off the plant stems and gluing them on one-by-one so they look like they're scales, and Tim is like What the hell are you thinking? You'll never finish! and Chloe is like I know, I fucked myself with this but I have to do it now and Tim is like Sucks to be you, bitch and walks away.

So Chloe is stabbing her own eyes out with a sewing needle, she's going nuts from all the little leaves, and she's like Hey, boys, I'm bored, tell me a story. When did you come out? And Daniel V is like I grew up in the Bible Belt, people called me a fag, it sucked, I didn't totally come out until a year ago! and everyone was like How could you hide it? You're such a sissy! and Nick was all I can't believe people didn't know about me when I was a kid! I am so gay, I sweat glitter! and Chloe was like Please God, please please please don't let me ever date a guy who is gay but you know she does all the time.

So they're still gluing leaves, and Santino starts his fuckin' hilarious impression of Tim again, like he's pretending Tim is having an affair with Andrae, and they just had a big fight when they were eating out at Red Lobster. And Santino is talking in Tim's voice like Andrae, you're such a bitch, you ruined my Red Lobster dinner! and it was funny. It's not funny when you write it down, you have to hear it. But, like, is that some gay thing? Does Red Lobster mean something? Like, I want to eat your big, thick Red Lobster! or I'm gonna give you some of my creamy Red Lobster butter! Yeah! Suck it out! Whatever, I think it is. And Santino is all Andrae, I want your Red Lobster! We have to make it work between us! Make it work! like Tim always says. But Andrae was like Fuck Tim! The only red lobster I want is Daniel V's!

So the real Tim comes in and he's looking around at everyone's dresses and he's all These don't look like garden party dresses, they look like piles of dogshit in someone's back yard! and everyone is like We know, they hear this all the time now blah blah blah, and Chloe is crawling around on the ground looking for her eyeballs after they fell out from looking at all those little leaves, and Kara just shrugs because she doesn't care, she's just ready to smoke a bowl. But then Tim goes up to Santino and totally punks him, like Hey, dipshit, the camera crew told me you're making fun of me! You wanna say it to my face, bitch? and Santino is like Uh, I just pretended like I am you and you went on a date with Andrae to Red Lobster, and Tim was like Red Lobster? Who do I look like, Flavor Flav? Red Lobster is crap! I would rather eat my own left nut! but he laughed because it really is funny when Santino does that voice. You have to hear it.

So the next day, Andrae is all One of you shitheads better start packin, 'cause I ain't goin' NOWHERE, bitches! My dress kicks ass! It looks French! which I don't get but whatever. Then Chloe is like I gotta get my leaf-gluing on! and everyone is like Yeah you do because there is no way she's going to finish gluing ten million tiny little leaves. So they all go to the studio and they don't have much time, so Chloe is like Fuck this! and just dumps some glue on her dress and throws the leaves at it and wherever they land, they land. It still looks alright.

Then they have the runway show, and Kara's dress looks cool, it's like the body is a basket and the boobs are flowers in the basket, and then the dress is just green stuff. And Santino's is just like everything he designs, it's all jacked up but it's cool; Daniel V's is a bunch of ferns with purple flowers around the top. And the judge Nina is all Daniel V, fuck me right here on the runway! Your dress is gorgeous! and he's all Thank you, I am! I mean it is! and Nina is all Why didn't any of you idiots use flowers like Daniel V did? Daniel V is perfect! and everyone shrugs like Uh, we had, like, a dollar to spend and these shit leaves were all we could afford. Get this crap show to give us more money!

So the judges like Kara's dress, which is cool, she usually sucks, maybe she did smoke that grass to get this good idea. And they like Daniel V's, and they like Chloe's. But they chew out Nick, because the top of his looks like it was made out of popsicle sticks, and that judge Michael is all It's hard to make leaves look vulgar, but your leaves are vulgar and shitty! because he has some little white flowers right on top of where his model's cooch is, which makes it look like his dress lets some bush show. So Nick is like Uh oh. Then they don't like Andrae's, because he just glued a bunch of moss to his dress and that was about it. Michael is all, It looks like she's wearing a doormat! and Andrae is all Fuck you! My dress is awesome! It looks French! but Andrae's face looks really bummed when he says it. He knows he is out. I feel for the guy.

So the winner is Daniel V, because he put lots of flowers on his dress and no one else really did that much. And the final two are Nick and Andrae. Andrae gets cut. Nick goes to give him a hug and starts to cry, and Andrae is like Stop crying, bitch! and pushes him away. And of course he sounds British when he says it. Becuase he talks like he's British whenever he's upset.

~~~

For more of my brother's recaps on the show, click on this link.

Comments

[Laurie]

AWESOME!!

Make it Work!

[emanuela]

OMG!!! You crack me up .... I love you!!!!!

[melissa]

When I was watching the show last night, I found myself spending more time contemplating what the "angry white guy" recap would have to say about the episode than I did with what was actually occuring on the show. Well, except for the Tim and Andrea go to Red Lobster tale. For that, I was all ears.

The AWG PR recap is officially my favorite not-working-at-work Thursday morning diversion.

Thank you.

[Jess]

I've just seen bits and pieces of that show. My only conclusion so far is that the guy who looks like Rasputin is evil.

[Kel de Texas]

Dan - I want to take you to Red Lobster; let's make it work.

Oh, and I TOLD Y'ALL DANIEL V WAS THE SHIZZLE!

[erik]

dan, this is clearly your calling in life! i don't think i've laughed this hard since i watched christina aguilera play samantha jones and say, "weenie in a bottle."

[Ali]

i love the show, but i swear i'd rather read your recaps than watch the show. fabulous!

[Jerry]

So Dan, you know where the Austin Red Lobster is, right? Meet me there the next time you pass through town.

[A-Nonymous]

Santino probably takes his dates to Red Lobster for the first time. Being that I live in NYC, there is 1 Red Lobster in Times Square and I am appaled every time I walk by it. There in the middle of Times Sq. is a giant neon red lobster. Now because of Santino and Project Runway, I will crack up each time I walk by there. I dont think Tim Gunn is the type of person who eats at Red Lobster.

In other news I am voting for Daniel V. to win the show. He rocks!

[David]

I find it a little unnerving that AWG has such a command of German. Mach shnell!

[Mags]

"I am so gay, I sweat glitter!"

That has GOT to be the best. line. EVER.

[rio]

i look forward to these recaps as much as i look forward to the show.

[rio]

i look forward to these recaps as much as i look forward to the show.

[Hephaestion]

On behalf of the "We Sweat Glitter Society" I am still rooting for Nick to win. But Daniel V is a true sweetheart of a guy so by God I will be cheering for him, too, if he wins.

I was a little shocked when the judges started criticizing Nick's Plant dress. I thought it was the best one of all.

[.]

You're freaking brilliant.

That is all.

[The Aitch]

God, I love you. For real, Let's make babies.

[Mary]

You've been given a gift. Use it wisely. (Is that a good Tim impersonation?)

[Liz]

"I am so gay, I sweat glitter!"

Awesome as always Dan! The best synopsis on the web babe. Can you imagine what this show has done for Red Lobster?! Beautiful people everywhere will be flocking to the "Denny's of Seafood" as I like to call it.

[blondewahine]

classic, i look forward to you after everyshow. i look crazy laughing out loud and wiping the tears from my eyes but maybe i am crazy.

[Officer Friendly]

First time here. Love the recap! The only thing that bothered me from the show was Daniel V saying he was from the Bible belt. Last time I checked the belt ran from Texas to the Carolinas. Not Michigan. Love the site, I'll be back motherfucker!