1) Valet. It's hard to walk through parking lots in heels.
2) If you have the money to go to a strip club, you have the money to buy her flowers.
3) When they go to the bathroom together, they are talking about you less than you think.
4) ...and that's because they get to the most embarrassing (for YOU) details right away and get it over with.
5) She would never tell you to trim your pubic hair. But you need to. It grosses her out a little bit.
6) She will, however, tell you when it's time to pluck your eyebrows; and no man should touch them without a woman's say-so.
7) Even the staunchest feminist has flipped through a bridal magazine, at least once.
8) Saying a woman is hot is not the same as saying a woman is beautiful.
9) If she uses her vibrator too much it desensitizes her, and she won't be able to have an orgasm any other way. So make sure you she's not tempted to use it too much.
10) Rhythm is more important than speed. If you need to pause constantly, you're going too fast.
11) Those women who act obnoxious when they're drunk? They do it because they know they can. You will still have sex with them. It's a power thing.
12) She doesn't want you to kill the bug because she is THAT scared, stupid. It's all about "coming to the rescue" and all that. Never pass up a chance to kill the bug.
13) She obsesses about what you are thinking because she cannot believe you are thinking so little.
14) Her gay friends are like her dog: be nice to them, and she'll definitely have sex with you.
well said.
Posted by: blackbird | January 24, 2006 at 04:34 AM
I am so printing this out. My guy knows most of this stuff, he just needs a reminder every once in a while.
Posted by: Dub C | January 24, 2006 at 05:59 AM
Do you give classes?
Posted by: Redpepr | January 24, 2006 at 06:47 AM
Bravo! You should give classes. You ROCK!
Posted by: sunshine | January 24, 2006 at 06:54 AM
hm.. words to live by I'd venture.
Posted by: jjd | January 24, 2006 at 07:07 AM
Dan, If I didn't adore you before,I most definitly do now.
Posted by: Rita Davoli | January 24, 2006 at 07:26 AM
You SHOULD teach a class!!! I'm forwarding this to my male friends--at least ONE man understands women! :) heehee
Have a great day
Posted by: Emily | January 24, 2006 at 07:33 AM
Wow. Makes me wish I was straight. When's the gay version coming out? Or is that too much to ask?
Posted by: David | January 24, 2006 at 07:54 AM
I am so linking to this entry; you are brilliant!
Posted by: misscrankypants | January 24, 2006 at 09:53 AM
Jeez-Louise!
How in the heck do you know this stuff?
Posted by: jason | January 24, 2006 at 10:30 AM
Dan, that is PERFECTION. Nuff said.
Posted by: Debbie | January 24, 2006 at 12:03 PM
Fabulous.
Except that I'll tell a guy when he needs to trim that shit down. Most guys don't have any problem with telling a woman that they prefer the shaved over the bushwhacked. I have no qualms about returning the favour.
(And guys--trimming/shaving makes you look bigger. Something to think about, as size really DOES matter.)
Posted by: Ms. Pants | January 24, 2006 at 12:48 PM
Thank you about the Valet comment - they do not understand that 4 inch Christian Louboutin stilettos are meant for fashion - not function.
Love the list!
Posted by: Kaia | January 24, 2006 at 03:01 PM
Brilliant! One of your best posts.
Posted by: Bon | January 24, 2006 at 05:00 PM
Yes on the valet parking!
But if you don't live in L.A., valet is hard to come by.
But still. Thank you for understanding that our hot and sexy shoes are a painful bitch to wear.
At least, on my feet.
Posted by: Mags | January 24, 2006 at 07:27 PM
Just so that dibs have been officially established;
if somehow we discover that being gay is a choice and if somehow you get done dating all the hott men and if somehow you are super bored one day and if somehow you are in Ohio,
I CALL FIRST DIBS ON DAN!!!
Posted by: kryss | January 24, 2006 at 08:50 PM
#12...amen. How did you know? You are wise beyond your years :)
Posted by: Rachel | January 25, 2006 at 07:32 AM
It's sad to note that the overwhelming number of comments here are from women. Preaching to the choir.
Posted by: David | January 25, 2006 at 09:17 AM
Well, I'm as straight as the day is long...and well...
I'd like to take issue with some of this. Some of it is right, but some of it is WRONG...
I'll distinguish between both at a later date...
Hal
Posted by: Hal | January 25, 2006 at 09:36 AM
Dan, I have to tell you I was always a fan of yours from the Real World days, always thought you funny as hell. Then I find this blog (can't for the life of me remember how), and again, find myself laughing at your entries. And now this? FANTASTIC, you should write a dating book for straight men, they can certainly use the help!
Posted by: Karina | January 25, 2006 at 11:16 AM