Hello, and welcome to your Monday. I hope today you make this the first day of the rest of your life. You know why most people never reach their dreams? It's not because they're lazy. It's because they have too many and they don't know where to start. So tell you what: write all your dreams down on pieces of paper, put them in a hat, and then pick one. Start with that. And keep at it. The rest of your dreams will come along, once you get in a little practice.
Things you need to know before you continue to exist for one more moment:
1) Miss America
2) Roller Derby
3) Angelina Jolie
~~~
1) Stop reading this weblog entry right now and please go read the Miss America Contestants tips on beauty and fashion. How have we survived for so long without knowing these things?!? My favorite: Mix Coca-Cola with your sunscreen to make "I'm already tan!" bronzer. Thanks, Miss Rhode Island.
Miss Oklahoma snagged the 2006 Miss America crown at this year's pageant. If you have it TiVo'd, skip the first hour of garbage and go straight to the swimsuit competition (if you like bikinis and boobies), or the talent competition to witness Miss Alabama dance ballet to techno-flamenco music. Dear God. Miss South Carolina made it to Top Ten, but she stumbled going down the stairs in her evening gown. She might as well have squatted down and taken a dump right there on the stage after that stumble, she was so finished.
First runner-up Miss Georgia had it in the bag, being bi-racial (Asian dad, Caucasian mom--it's hard to beat bi-racialness these days) and possessing a legitimate skill (excellent piano player). But she flubbed the final interview when she stuttered in her answer a little bit. Damn it. The award for Miss Congeniality? Miss Hawaii, who cried when she was named. Of course.
2) As of today, you are reading the weblog of a very proud official member of The Flamers cheerleading squad for the Texas Roller Derby. All the skaters are women; the cheerleaders are gay men. My first match will be this Sunday at the Texas Thunderdome. I need to come up with a special name; sadly, "Punky Bruiser," "Blanch Davidian," and "Helena Handbasket" are already taken actual skaters. Dang it! So I'm stumped. Your suggestions would be appreciated.
3) Want to see the movie that made Angelina Jolie a star? Watch Gia on Oxygen on Friday. Set your TiVo. Ingenious performance.
How about something very trendy... Brangelina, or Brangie!
Posted by: Erica | January 24, 2006 at 07:32 PM
Patty O'Furniture.
It's the name my drag alter-ego has been using for almost seven years now....and I wouldn't change it.
Posted by: RyanPBratt | January 24, 2006 at 10:54 AM
duh!
BIG GAY DAN is your name!
Posted by: The Aitch | January 24, 2006 at 09:23 AM
Hi:
Do you have to dress in drag as part of the cheerleading thing? I'd like to see pics of Dan in drag.
I saw some pageant on WE (I think it was Miss Universe) where Amarosa was hosting. I have a love-hate relationship with her but I only watched ten seconds of it and switched the channel.
God, American Idol auditions are here already? I liked the one girl with the bad tan. Simon requested her mother to come in and explain the girl's look. And the guy Simon told to shave his face and become a drag queen and the Russian girl who almost stripped for them. Too funny!
Ace got booted off the Gauntlet to Derrick. When I guy who is over 6 feet tall can't toss a guy who is 5'6", he deserves to lose. And Ace was so happy after it he took pictures. Some people deserve to stay in the Midwest forever and never leave.
Posted by: Glenn C | January 24, 2006 at 01:59 AM
Some of these I came up with, some are from other sources:
Charity Tellathaun
Polly Esther Blende
Fantasia Febreeze
Donna Thidedd
Amanda Steele
Miss Plaist-Trust
Amber Alert
Barbie Churette
Anna Stezia
LaVonda Runn
Liza Lott
Lisa Mercedes
Wanda Bette Awnett
Sue Nommy
Posted by: starstattoo | January 23, 2006 at 11:57 PM
How about Idoneta Fajina?
Posted by: David7118 | January 23, 2006 at 09:59 PM
Ok... lots of random thoughts...
the allergies are kicking up a little so I actually snorted when I laughed at Helvetica Bold. Thank goodness its only me, the cat, and a glass of wine.
Do leave Arkansas alone...Arkansas not only had a president, but Johnny Cash (I just saw Walk the Line... great!) I bet Johnny did some meditative prayer at least...
A college buddy swore that her mother went to school with a girl named "Ima Ho"
My porn name would be either Coco Martin or Coco Cherry (First street I remember is Martin, but I know I also lived on Cherry Street at a young age).
And, TOTALLY off topic... I'm sorry, I don't necessarily think that at least Randy Jackson of American Idol is homophobic... I was wondering if that person was a girl or boy too!!! I'm glad he asked!
Posted by: Erica | January 23, 2006 at 07:32 PM
Shouldn't it be "Helluva Bottom Parter"?
Posted by: bt | January 23, 2006 at 05:01 PM
Dantastic! Congrats on the cheerleading gig.
Posted by: Amanda | January 23, 2006 at 02:55 PM
ken: Gurl I love you,
Straight up Fo'Sho.
Or I wouldna told dem ova girls
not to call me no mo
I knewed it was true,
da first day I seen you.
Why you thank I do,
the thangs I do?
Ramemba ha I use ta wine and dine you,
Schlits Malt Liquor and Bar-Ba-Q.
I gave you a bubble baffs and fed you grapes.
Dey was on sale that week a dolla niney-eight.
Romanic eenins afta dark,
Skreet light walks around da park.
Like the very first time,
you came ova my crib.
And you got all scared,
cause that roach was on yo Timb.
I was right therre,
with a can o' spray.
To be yo Super Man,
and save da day.
I ain't even pay my light bill,
so I can take you to da club.....
Don't knock ova does candles
and bu
ken: Don't knock ova does candles
and burn up my rug!
And dat nite we made luv,
for a long liddle bit of time.
I hope you got yours,
cause I Sho'nuff got mine.
I woke up early and made you breffix in bed.
Sep fo I ain't have no juice, no grits, and no eggs.
Didn't have no cereals and was fresh outta milk,
so we had some toast and some potada chips.
I use to rub lotion on yo feets,
and massage yo back.
I found you some glue,
when you lost one of yo tracks.
Now what man you knowded,
ever loved you like dis.
Gurl please just take my name
off dat child support list.
.
ken: .
you there
ken: can you se emy picture
ken: you ain't shit I'd tell yo mama you aint shit
Posted by: Patrick | January 23, 2006 at 01:35 PM
Dan, here are my new favorites.
Iona Traylor
Shelia Noya
Posted by: Bill Skaggs | January 23, 2006 at 01:31 PM
What about Winnie Bago?
Posted by: Ben | January 23, 2006 at 12:56 PM
on the same line as Skatie Holmes ..how about Skatie Homos .
Posted by: J | January 23, 2006 at 11:26 AM
HEY Leave Arkansas alone! We did have a president come from here ya know!
Posted by: Jen | January 23, 2006 at 10:53 AM
Okay, think Wonder Years ...
Perfect, perfect, name ..
DANica McKiller!!!!
Posted by: Tara G | January 23, 2006 at 08:53 AM
Did Miss Arkansas really suggest meditating, don't they kick you out of state like Arkansas for that? Miss Hawaii/Congeniality recommended getting your fashion from the mannequins, there's got to be a joke in there somewhere. Well if you're part of The Flamers, Hot Tamale or something like that would be appropriate. Gia is a great movie.
Posted by: Amber | January 23, 2006 at 08:50 AM
I stole these from a discussion thread off of mytribe.com:
Carlotta Tendent
Rachel Tension
Anesta Roachez
Sue Veneer
Donna Matrix
Posted by: David | January 23, 2006 at 08:11 AM
I like Skaite Holmes!
Posted by: Kel | January 23, 2006 at 07:15 AM
Helvetica Bold! Love it.
Posted by: Arvid | January 23, 2006 at 05:49 AM
DAN.
the perfect name is
Hellofa Bottom Carter.
classy, yet spunky.
sorta a just-stick-the-head-in vibe to it, n'est-pas?
WILLAM
Posted by: willam | January 23, 2006 at 02:54 AM