Auf Wiedersehen, Playa!

I'm so darned busy! I don't have time to write. So my angsty-white-guy, rockin'-the-suburbs brother is taking over once again.**

For last week's Project Runway recap by read here. For this week's recap, read on.

~~~

Okay, so this episode wasn't as cool because there was no fighting and the main point was only that no one knew how to use the magical sewing machines. Big fuckin' deal. But it was still alright.

When it starts they're all sitting there waiting to find out what their next competition is going to be, and Heidi is all, I'm not telling you shit today! You'll find out tomorrow! Get out of my face! Verpiss dich drecksauen! and they're all like, Whoa that's so weird, and they all go back to their apartments. And the next day there's this knock on the door, right? And it's some dude from last season, dressed up in a post office uniform. I guess that has something to do with something they made back then?...whatever. And he's carrying packages for everyone with clues about their next mission, and he's all, I'm from last season! You wish you were as famous as me! Whoop de doo! and they're all like Wow you are so cool! Can I have your autograph? Except he goes up to that dude Emmett, and Emmett looks at him like he just smelled a big turd, and the guy is all Oh my God, don't you know who I am? and Emmett is like Uh, no, and I don't give a flying fuck who you are, I'm not into celebrity post office workers, give me my package asswipe and go be famous someplace else! Emmett is cool.

So they open their packages and there are all these ugly costumes inside, the girls all get neon-colored leotards and the guys get shiny shirts that look like pajamas. And they're all like Damn, what do these weird clothes mean? and there's a note saying they have to put the costumes on, and Nick pulls out his shirt and it's purple and he's all Eww, this shirt is too gay for me, I would never wear this fabric! But he's, like, the gayest person I have ever seen. He's gayer than that Steven Cojocaru guy. He could be the Fab Five all by himself. So I don't get why he said that. And you can tell Nick really is excited about putting that shirt on, he probably has underwear made out of that same fabric too. Dude, they even show them changing clothes--and they show Nick in the shirt without his pants, and his underwear is black with red stripes! And everyone is like, Uh, Nick, don't pretend you don't like that ruffly shirt. You're all about it, gay boy.

Then Zulema puts on a bunch of gold eye makeup with her costume. What's that scary chick from Boomerang with the steel vagina? Grace Jones. She looks like Grace Jones. FUCK, Zulema is scary. She could kick your ass, man. I'm tellin' you.

So then they all laugh at Emmett because his shirt is bright pink and he looks seriously stupid and he's all I can't believe I am embarrassing myself on TV, I'm an asshole in this shirt! Sucks to be Emmett. And they all get in a van and drive to a skating rink, and when they go in they see that hot ice skating chick Sasha Cohen spinning around on the ice. And she's all, You have to design an outfit for ME! and Nick freaks out. It's like he forgot he was trying to be chill, because everyone else was like Okay, this is pretty cool I guess, but Nick starts flaming so hard he's melting all the ice, and he's all OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DESIGN ICE SKATING CLOTHES FOR SASHA COHEN, THIS IS SO FABULOUS, I'M GONNA CREAM MYSELF! and I thought he was going to cry. Someone get him a job making costumes for Disney On Ice, he'll be the happiest dude ever.

And then Andrae is all But this is serious, these outfits have to be really tough because these skaters do mad tricks! and right when he says that, I swear to God, they show this picture of Sasha Cohen skating on one leg and holding her other leg in the air. And the picture is a shot right up between her legs. Seriously. And she has on this bright red leotard which looks like red panties. So it's like Look right there! Look at the bright red panties! And you can't look at anything else. I know she's doing this bad-ass trick and stuff but it was totally hot. Gimme summa DAT.

Then for fun they all ice skate together, and Tim Gunn the guy who works there is a terrible skater, and Sasha teaches them how to do the "shoot the duck" move, which I can do by the way, I'm cool like that, and then Nick starts busting out some ice skating moves and is all Look at me, I'm Sasha Cohen! and everyone looks at him like, Uh, no you're not, you're a gay dude in purple pajamas.

So they start sewing, and Santino is all, I'm cookin' up something tasty! Listen to the Sizzle! and his outfit has all these feathers and pieces of red fabric hanging from it, and he's like I'm gonna make Sasha look like a flaming bird! but really it looks crap-ass. And Nick is all Check it! Santino is busted! Who's the man now, bitch? because Santino's outfit is so lame. It looks like a bird that got run over by a car and its guts are spilling out. Seriously.

But then everyone starts freaking out because they have these special machines that you need for sewing the stretchy fabric they are using, and no one knows how to use them. So Andrae is all Move outta the way bitches I'll figure out the magical machines and he spends the rest of the night screwing around with them. And he makes them work, and he's all The magic machines work! Ta da! Bust those machines again and I will bust yo' ass! but then Kara gets on it and fucks it up again in, like, five seconds. So he gets all pissy, and whenever Andrae gets mad he talks like he's British. Why? No one knows. So he's all walking around looking angry, like Heretofore, if thou everest breaketh the magical sewing machineisth, I'm not fixing it because I gotta maketh my own shit! And Kara beith an idiot! Huzzah! but he's just jealous because she's British for real. And then Daniel V starts talking mad shit about Kara too, he's all Kara sucks my nuts! I'm the number one contenda! Her costume looks like it came from JC Penny's! And that's just cold. Poor Kara. I thought her outfit was alright.

So they all just decide to sew everything by hand, and Santino is like I don't need no machine! I'll still win this shit! Gimme da glue! and he starts walking around picking up trash off the floor and gluing it onto his outfit. I think Santino lost his mind, I really do. And Tim Gunn looks at Santino's stuff and is all Uh, Santino, I've puked prettier stuff than this! You are a fucking idiot and all the judges hate you! and Santino doesn't shout back! Which means he knows his outfit is ass. And when his model tries it on, she's all This is so fucking stupid! I look like roadkill! and Santino is all Shut the fuck up bitch and pretend you like it! Word.

So the runway show comes up. And Zulema's outfit is all fabric the color of your skin so it looks like you are naked, with some white squiggles of sequins over the titties, and Zulema is all Bitch look like she ain't got no clothes on! I'm diggin' it! And Sasha is all Oooo, white looks so good on me! I would look so hot in that! Michelle Kwan can suck my ass! but really you know she just wants to get her freak on and skate around like she's naked and split her legs open again and let people take pictures of all her bizness. Dirty chick.

Then the judges ask Santino why he made his so ugly, and he's all It's a great concept but I just needed more time, which in Sizzle-speak is I know I fucked up! Please don't cut me! And when the judges chew him out, he just stands there and takes it like a man. Which is cool. Then the winner is Zulema. The final two are Santino and Emmett, and Heidi is all Let's cut that fucker Santino, I'm sick of his shit! Auf Wiedersehen, playa! but they cut Emmett because his just looks like a boring outfit that every ice skater has ever worn. Too bad for Emmett, they were all still wearing those costumes, so my boy got cut while standing up there in a bright pink leotard like an asshole. Sucks to be Emmett.

*This isn't really my brother. Please stop emailing him with questions, it's getting on his nerves.

Comments

[sydney]

hil-fucking-larious.
i sorta kinda loveyou.

[Hephaestion]

I'm trying to decide:

Did I cry more reading Dan Renzi's re-caps of "Project Runway" (tears of laughter) or did I cry more from watching "Brokeback Mountain" 6 times?

Not sure. 'At's a lotta tears, too.