How was your day, Dan?

'THE NEW NORMAL'

Dear Heterosexual America,

As a gay person living in this country, I give you permission to think "The New Normal" is not funny.

I certainly wanted it to be; and there are great moments, such as when the little girl impersonates of Little Edie from "Grey Gardens."  She is inspired. Although you won't get that joke unless you've seen this documentary.

However, the writing in this show is pathetic, preachy, and predictable (I love alliteration!), with lame jokes that aren't even interesting enough to be scandalous.  The show seemed to have promise when the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City (owned by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) banned it from air, due to "graphic content."  But that decision was just because one of the show's leads, Andrew Rannells, was awesome on Broadway in "The Book of Mormon" and they don't like how he made fun of their religion.  It was a total bitch move, LDS.  The show is not offensive, certainly no more offensive than "Will & Grace" was.  You're just bitter.

It seems that Ryan Murphy, the creator of "The New Normal," is to television as M. Night Shymalayan is to movies: he made some excellent work at first, but people keep giving him money for more based on faith, even though now he's out of ideas he's just making garbage. "American Horror Story" is alright...but do we need to discuss the travesty of "Glee"?

Sometimes people don't know whether or not they should laugh at a show, because they don't find it funny but perhaps they just don't "get" the joke and they don't want to be rude to people who like it.  But no, the reason you're not laughing is because the is nothing to laugh about.

WEEDS

I'm a little late--but I have finally succumbed to to the glory that is Weeds.

My friend bought the first 2 seasons on DVD, and we've become immediately obsessed with Nancy Botwin. Last night, I was at a dinner for work, and I found my dining companions to be incredibly boorish and obnoxious; I pushed back my chair before the main course was served, said I was going to the restroom, and ducked out of the restaurant and ran to my car and sped over to my friend's house to watch another episode.

It's like an addiction in itself. I can taste Nancy's pot brownies.

Some thoughts:

1) What happened to Doug Wilson's gay kid? The first episode, he's boffing the neighbor and encroaching on Nancy's business, and then he's gone. Does he come back?

2) Elizabeth Perkins as Celia Hodes = genius.

3) In episode, uh...2? 3? I forget...Silas is staring at the deaf girl who gives good head (it's a relevant detail!) as she is at her locker. And she is singing a song and dancing. SHE IS DEAF. How does she hear the music??? Was that a production error? Ha ha.

4) I haven't gotten to the Mary-Kate Olsen episodes yet, don't spoil it for me. I'm a fan of all things Olsen. It's embarrassing.

5) Andy Miller as Dean Hodes...when he gets his head shaved...and he has the red dots from his plugs...I seriously want to meet him in person and give him a hug.

And one more thing:
YOU DO NOT PUT WEED IN MY CORNBREAD.

I suggest you buy these DVDs, it's brilliant.

TV

It's Tuesday afternoon. I'm doing laundry.

It's very cleansing for the soul, doing laundry. I don't like having mine sent out, I need to wash my own stuff. And then realize I'm running late, pull them out of the dryer too early, and leave them in a pile to mildew until I wash them again next week.

So in these few minutes between cycles, let's talk about television. I would discuss the diaphragm spasms I am experiencing with the anticipation of Project Runway starting tomorrow--literally, my insides are TWITCHING as I think about it--but there's nothing to say until we all see it. So instead, let's discuss...

Heroes.

:(

Last season, I loved Heroes. But now...there are all these new characters, every scene they're jumping back-and-fourth three hundred years, Veronica Mars is running around shooting lightning out of her hands and what is up with the Mexican who leaks soy sauce out of her eyes? It's too much.

And Milo Ventimiglia was so cute, I wanted to smush him. So nerdy, so cute.

But that Milo...I'm glad to see he's been going to the gym, but his initial appeal was that he played the dorky brother, with the odd man-wedge haircut, and you rooted for him because he was the underdog. Now, he cut his hair and waxed his chest and he never smiles, he takes himself so seriously. I don't want to smush him anymore. And sorry, but an action hero just can't be a guy with bow legs like that.

The magic is gone.

Although watching Niki/Jessica do lines last night...was hot. We love Ali Larter.

That's all.

MY NEWEST TV OBSESSION

We have very important things to discuss.

Specifically, America's Most Smartest Model.

It may be the most significant program aired on television.

A modeling competition where contestants must answer trivia questions before they get their photos taken? Never before has there been such a collection of profound subject matter and intellectually-stimulating dialogue.

It's nice to have another modeling show on TV, since America's Next Top Model is now unapologetically becoming the next Miss America pageant.

I'm specifically interested in a few things:

1) Is it reasonable to say "If I had kids, I would never let them watch this pointless mind-rot," or am I just getting old and uptight?

2) Are the guys a lot hotter on this show than the girls, or am I just a gay homosexual?

3) Do I really really want to be on Season 2 of this show because it's absolutely hilarious, or because I'm a TV whore?

4) The inexplicably-crazy Russian dude is delicious and that photo of him choking the poor woman was beautiful; and we could fill an entire book discussing the MENSA-level intellect of Mandy Lynn. But let's chat about Brett Novak.

(photo from VH1)

`

AMERICAN IDOL

Okay, look. I know writing about American Idol is totally cliche' and lame.

That's NOT GOING TO STOP ME.

For your reference: the contestants are listed here.

~~~

Dear Blake Lewis,

I would very much like it if you would come to my apartment and sing Keane songs to me while we lay in bed together. It will need to be a fast romance, as you are probably going to start "beat-boxing" next week, and the year 1987 will take you back to where such artistry belongs. But until you leave me, we can have this one shining moment together, with you, and me, and your silly little face singing with that beautiful voice of melancholy. With all it's flaws, and pitch problems, and weird intonations, it was just lovely. Thank you very much.

Sincerely,

Dan Renzi, who thinks you are, for the time being, the bee's knees

~~~

Dear Sundance Head,

Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency

The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency premieres tomorrow night on Oxygen. (Right after Deadliest Catch!) God bless everyone who fell into that trap thinking they would be discovered and whisked off to a career in the modeling industry. At best, they're going to be making nightclub appearances along with Real World has-beens.

I got this email from a contestant on the show, back when filming started:

Dear Dan,

Well heres the low down. Im on a reality show thats about Janice Dickinson (first supermodel) and her agency. Well, it's kind of a hybrid show, I guess. But I just don't really know what to expect. I got another buddy to come with me whom was on Boy Meets Boy but he got tossed right out at the first round so there really wasn't much he could tell me.

Well on the first day after the auditon shoot, we had to go into the agency with a swimsuit and some athletic gear. Assuming it was just gonna be another test shoot we all went in and met with Janice and her trainer--who then proceeded to draw on us with markers and smiley or frowny stamps like we were in fat camp and about to get lypo done. And to add insult to injury she got me infront of the cameras and called me a "gay slob with the audacity to walk into her agency with love handles". Even that I took as bullshit for the cameras. But the fact that she got her fucken twiggy ass make up guy to look at me and say " You're gay? well then, there is NO excuse for you". I think i look damn good!

I have never been so jealous in my life. Janice Dickinson yelling at you? I want to do it! I have love handles, she could use me as her plaything. Although any makeup stylist who said anything would get punched, no question.

But rest assured, this will most likely be edited out, especially the makeup guy's quips. No one cares what he, or any other peripheral character, has to say. However, I feel bad that this nice young man was hoodwinked by the whole "Janice Dickinson was the first supermodel" line that she made up for herself, which is probably what drew him to the show. Like a moth to the flame, burned by the fire.

Speaking of Boy Meets Boy--those Bravo shows were the best. Whatever happened to Manhunt?

From The Hollywood Reporter: The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency