How was your day, Dan?

PUMPKIN SPICE MYSTERY

"Thank you for calling 7-Eleven. My name is Mario. How may I be of service?"

Hi. I would like the ingredients for your Pumpkin Spice Latte.

(pause)

"Pumpkin Spice Latte?"

Yes.

"Is this a product 7-Eleven carries?"

(sigh) Yes.

"Thank you sir."

Am I your first caller about the Pumpkin Spice Latte? It is the most important product 7-Eleven carries. It is my reason for living. You guys sell it from a machine in all the stores.

(typing sounds heard in the background) "Okay sir, I will check the 7-Eleven web site for information."

I already did that, but I couldn't find a page that lists the ingredients in the drink.

"Thank you." (long pause)  "I am also checking Google to see if I can find any information."

Well yeah, obviously I did that too. I don't think it's there.

(speaks in slightly condescending tone) "Well, sir, actually I already found the information."

You did? Where?

"I have a page with directions of how you can make your own pumpkin spice latte."

Ah.  I don't need that. I need the ingredients for what is sold in the store.

"I can send you this information if you like."

But I am not making a pumpkin spice latte at home. I need to know the nutritional information and the specific ingredients of the drink sold in the store. It's required by law that you have to provide it. I realize you probably don't have it, since you don't know what a Pumpkin Spice Latte is, but this information is at 7-Eleven somewhere.

"I see sir."

It's too delicious to be just normal coffee. I want to know what special ingredients are in it.

"I can create a request for information for you, sir."

Do you really know what this drink is?

"No I do not sir."

It is seriously the best thing to happen to America. But I'm worried that I'm drinking a cup full of chemicals.

"This web page lists the ingredients, sir--"

It can't be the exact same as what you sell in your store! Your food comes in a box and sits on hot rollers all day without going bad. There is obviously something special in the Pumpkin Spice Latte.

"Would you like me to create a request for you sir?"

Sure, okay.

"Please tell me, where would you buy this product?"

Never mind. (click)

PETS

1) I wrote a news article about a proposal in Miami-Dade County--yes the name is confusing, it's the county that has Miami, Miami Beach, etc. in it--that would fund a program to give free spay/neuter procedures to dogs and cats. I am, unquestionably, 100% behind this idea, as I am tired of dead cats in the crawl space beneath my building.

The article is here: The Pets Trust

PS: There is a photo, attached to the post, of a cat; it's not Gurdy. HuffPo could only be so lucky to publish a photo of The Gurd.

~~~

2) I don't want any more cats, but I do want a pet walrus.

~~~

3) Gurdy has his own Twitter. He's really excited about it.

TORTURE

(ring)

 

Hello?

 

"Hi Danny!"

 

Hi Mom.

 

"Whatcha doin?"

 

As a matter of fact, I am polishing a Fiestaware plate with Bar Keeper's Friend to get some of the scratches out.

 

(pause)

 

"You got a Fiestaware plate?"

 

I got four of them.

 

"What color?"

 

Light blue.

 

(voice lowers) "They don't make that color anymore."

 

I know.

 

"I collect that color."

 

I know.

 

(pause)

 

"How much did you pay for them?"

 

Three bucks each.

 

"Oh wow."

 

Yeah, so cheap.

 

(pause)

 

"What are you going to do with them?"

 

Well, they're plates. I was thinking of eating off of them.

 

"I meant, are you going to keep them?… I didn't know you collect Fiestaware."

 

Well...I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I already have plates. Although these would look great in my kitchen with my light blue teapot.

 

"You got a Fiestaware TEAPOT TOO?"

 

Yes, and it's in perfect condition.  So adorable.

 

"Where did you get all of it?"

 

Some lady in Boca Raton.  She tried to sell me her green Fiestaware, but--

 

"What color green?"

 

Like, bright green, Kelly green. Ugly.

 

"That's from the '70's. It's a collectors color too."

 

Yeah but there's no point in collecting ugly stuff.

 

(sigh) "True."

 

So anyway...I have in my possession a light blue Fiestaware teapot, a light blue Fiestaware gravy boat--

 

"Oh, and you got a gravy boat..."

 

I did.  And then there are the four plates.  Although I don't think all of these scratches are all coming out.  They lady used them as her regular dishes.

 

"It doesn't matter.  They're light blue.  If they don't have chips, they're worth it."

 

Yes.  Well...they do look nice, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

I mean, maybe I won't keep them.

 

"I'll take them!"

 

You will?  But it's not Christmas yet.

 

"I'l send you bubble wrap. Do you want me to send you some bubble wrap?"

 

(pause)

 

Mom, you're not mailing me bubble wrap.  That's ridiculous.

 

"But you need it if you're going to send me the plates and the teapot."

 

...and the gravy boat.

 

"Oh! And the gravy boat. Yes."

 

But I can buy bubble wrap here.

 

"Are you sure?"

 

Of course!

 

"But how much will it cost you?"

 

Like two dollars! Mom, calm down, you're panicking.

(breathes) "Okay, well, if you want, you can send them to me..."

 

Mmmmm, I'll think about it.

"Are there any scratches on the gravy boat?"

 

Not a single one.

 

"Awesome."

 

But what if I want to keep it? I eat gravy.

 

"You wouldn't do that to your mother."

DIGITAL TV

I want to try getting a TV signal with an antenna.  Yes, America, you can still do this--and it's free!

Does anyone have suggestions for a super-good antenna?  I have an antenna and a digital converter box, but my signal is weak.  Living in South Beach with all these buildings sandwiched together, the channel signals can't find me in my little apartment. Neither can the pizza delivery guy but that's another issue.

If you can explain to me (and to everyone else on the internets!) what I should get, fire away please.  And yes I already read all the About.com sorts of web pages about what I should do but that's just a bunch of blah blah blaaaaaaah.

MIAMI SUCKS

From the "depravity of the human race" files:

My neighbor got his bicycle stolen after he locked it to a palm tree--and someone chopped the tree down to steal it.

From the looks of the single, clean cut, it appears to have been accomplished with a machete.

 

How horrendous.  This is probably where you're getting your bike from when you buy it on Craig's List, btw.

I could launch into a tirade about living in a place like Miami, where the main industry is tourism--similar to an island in the Caribbean, where the majority of the population live near "third world" status--and therefore poverty is a way of life, so people run amok with machetes just to make a few dollars.  But I'll save the economics lesson for another time, when I am not entirely disgusted.

 

I AM SO FAMOUS

Look at this photo on today's MiamiHerald.com:

~

 

 

~

Do you see the person standing behind the cameras, in the olive green shirt, with the hair that looks like a homeless person? That's me, after stumbling down the street to the Apple store on Lincoln Road, because I was woken up by the news helicopter hovering overhead filming the line of people waiting for the new iPhone.

I'm surprised they didn't include my name in the caption. "Gabriel Farha excitedly shows off his new iPhone, after waiting all night in line at the Apple Store, as Dan Renzi stands in the background trying to comprehend the scene because he just woke up and has not had any coffee yet."

Of the 300+ people in line waiting for the phone, I saw two people speaking to other actual humans.  Everyone else was staring into his/her (soon to be replaced) phone.  Doesn't anyone have friends anymore? Whatever.

The new phone is pretty nice, although it's too big to put into your pocket.  I miss the days of flip phones.

 

'THE NEW NORMAL'

Dear Heterosexual America,

As a gay person living in this country, I give you permission to think "The New Normal" is not funny.

I certainly wanted it to be; and there are great moments, such as when the little girl impersonates of Little Edie from "Grey Gardens."  She is inspired. Although you won't get that joke unless you've seen this documentary.

However, the writing in this show is pathetic, preachy, and predictable (I love alliteration!), with lame jokes that aren't even interesting enough to be scandalous.  The show seemed to have promise when the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City (owned by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) banned it from air, due to "graphic content."  But that decision was just because one of the show's leads, Andrew Rannells, was awesome on Broadway in "The Book of Mormon" and they don't like how he made fun of their religion.  It was a total bitch move, LDS.  The show is not offensive, certainly no more offensive than "Will & Grace" was.  You're just bitter.

It seems that Ryan Murphy, the creator of "The New Normal," is to television as M. Night Shymalayan is to movies: he made some excellent work at first, but people keep giving him money for more based on faith, even though now he's out of ideas he's just making garbage. "American Horror Story" is alright...but do we need to discuss the travesty of "Glee"?

Sometimes people don't know whether or not they should laugh at a show, because they don't find it funny but perhaps they just don't "get" the joke and they don't want to be rude to people who like it.  But no, the reason you're not laughing is because the is nothing to laugh about.

GURDY

This is Gurdy.

He is my cat.

I found him in a car tow lot, covered in grease, as a wee kitten.

His health issues are many. 

He has a heart murmur.

His eyes are slightly crossed.

His right eye is oddly cloudy--increasingly so over the past few weeks, sadly--which is somewhat visible in the above photo ($200 of vet bills and eye drops may help fix, but we'll see).

He sneezes constantly.  Allergies.

He has irritable bowel syndrome.

He has gas.

But don't let his shortcomings fool you.

He wrestles like a boss.

Love.

 

KEY WEST

I have been a busy bee, writing articles in other places.  Here is a travel posting about the dos-and-don'ts of visiting Key West.

Please feel free to add your own thoughts to the comments section (on the story itself, not here where no one will see them).

My next goal is to write about the eco-tourism options around the island. 

ISAAC

As was reported in the news last week, Florida's fine folks braced themselves (ourselves, I should say) for the wrath of Tropical Storm Isaac; hurricane shutters were pulled, outdoor furniture was relocated to the refuge of indoors, and I dismantled the various planters I've constructed in our building's front yard so I could stash the plants in our front entryway.  Among the plants were some pots of milkweed, which are vociferously eaten by the hordes of Monarch caterpillars living on them. Seriously, there are always so many caterpillars on them, I've never seen one plant sprout a single flower.

The storm passed with just some rain, so I moved everything back outside again.  Time marched on.  Then that brings us to today, much to my delight, which is the day another round of butterflies has hatched.  I spotted three outside, including this lady drying her wings:

It's all very exciting. Hello, ma'am. Best of luck to you on your travels and subsequent repopulating of your almost-endangered species.

I walked back inside, and what's this?  Apparently a caterpillar crawled off one of the plants during the hurricane interlude and made a cocoon somewhere in the entryway--which means she hatched right there.

I might have gasped and oooed and ahhed a little bit but no one was there to hear it so I wasn't embarrassed about my lapse in masculinity.  I scooped her onto my phone and tossed her out the door.  She flew away, at first a little herkily-jerkily but then she got the hang of it, sort of like the buttefly version of throwing a kid into the deep end of the pool and calling it swimming lessons.

I say "she," btw, because the orange/black ones are female.  Males are more orange.

Am I such a nerd that I am blogging about butterflies?  I guess so.  I'm pretty proud of myself for adding a few more butterflies to the world, thanks to my plants.  Next: I'm going to get some torchwood plants, so I can attract Swallowtails. Do you think Mariah Carey will come visit me and see my yard?