How was your day, Dan?

DEAR DAN, WHAT TO DO IN MIAMI?

I received a "Dear Dan" email that is good to share on these here Internets. It's all about travel advice for Miami.  Are ya interested in reading it?  Click below, if you wish:

DEAR DAN

Dear Dan,

I need your help. I want to get out of the Midwest, and what better way to start than to get advice from someone who's done it, and you are the only person I "know".

I am 32, I have lived here for about 12 years and up until now I have been mostly happy living here. Growing up my family moved all over; this is the longest I have ever lived in one place. 

I recently ended a 9 year long relationship, moved into a crappy one bedroom and spent 3 1/2 months wallowing in self pity. Then a friend of mine who lives in D.C. convinced me to come for a visit. It was just what I needed. I feel like a completely new person. I really want to move to D.C. when my lease is up in July. I have never moved away from my family or across the country on my own before and I was wondering what kind of advice you might have. Do I only go once I have a job, do I go and spend my savings til I get a job?...

My family does live here and they are not supportive of this and have made it very clear that if this is what I am going to do, I will do it alone. Fine. I think I can do it alone. My friends are wonderful and they will help but I honestly do not even know where to begin.

I feel like I can't take one more minute, but I will do the responsible thing and wait out my lease. In the mean time my eyes and ears are open.

~~~

When I moved to Miami four years ago, I took only what would fit in my car.  That included clothes, shoes, and my expensive kitchen gadgets; I shipped a few boxes of baby photos and birth certificates, etc. to my mother.  Everything else was sold.  I had a reasonable chunk of money in my bank account and zero plans for what to do.  So when I arrived, I hooked up with guys for a place to stay until I found an apartment slept in cheap hotels by the airport and limped along for a few months.  Luckily I had work as a freelance writer, so I had money coming in.

Being homeless, ironically, can be very expensive.  On days I didn't pay for a hotel, I showered at the showers on the beach, I changed clothes in my car.  I walked through the big hotels and looked for banquets that had just finished, and snuck in to eat the food.  Seriously it was so much fun.  I wasn't really "homeless," of course.  When I got tired of being a bum I found a furnished apartment to rent temporarily, and then the rest worked itself out.

But you probably don't have my sense of adventure.  So a few pointers for you:

1) Yes, wait out your lease.  Breaking your lease can show up on your credit rating, and that will torment you for seven years.

2) You didn't tell me what work you do professionally, so I don't know how you'd be able to find a job.  But generally applicants from out-of-town are only considered when it is an executive position;  yes, you need to go there first.  Save enough money to plop down in the city and live off your bank account for a while.  Plan on three months; you want to have enough money to allow yourself to fall on your face a few times with bad jobs, etc., and not go hungry or be homeless.  Even with the most frugal budget, that is a few thousand dollars at least.  

Please understand, having money will allow you to not rush into doing something stupid because you're desperate.  It sounds like you're desperate now, so this is good practice for you to chill and make plans for your life.

3) More importantly: you are 32, and you're still living under your family's thumb?  Maybe you really do need to move away for a while.  What kind of parents would give their (adult) daughter such a nasty ultimatum?

4) If you move to D.C. and you decide it's not for you, there is no failure in you moving back "home."  It's just geography.  

5) Can you stay with your friend for a month?  Offer him/her some money for rent; s/he will probably turn it down.  So instead, fill the refrigerator with food and pay the electric bill.  And don't stay the whole month.  

6) Find a job waiting tables.  You will meet the most people that way.  That's how you find a job, not through sending resumes.

DEAR DAN

Dan-
According to Madeline's hair...

...Christian is going to win Project Runway. I'm sad because I like Jillian, but the hair cannot be denied.

D in C

Dear D in C,
Your child's hair is a compelling oracle. And considering the fact that "hair" is a big theme in this year's finale, with Chris' disturbing-yet-surprisingly-effective choice to use human hair for his garments, it is clear that this is a sign from above. Much like the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese, when the higher powers send us these signs, we have no choice but to submit to their will and recognize them as legitimate and true.

How psyched you must be to know that the powers of fashion trend predictions were spawned from your own womb.

DEAR DAN

I am writing to inquire about modeling with your agency. At least the process of applying, sending my pictures, and learning more about your agency. I will attach some pictures for your review. (not sure if this is typically accepted but I am very passionate about this and believe in my abilities.)

My name is XXXXXX XXXXXX
My height: 5'11
My weight: 180lbs
My age: 29
My phone number: XXXXXXXXXX
My address: XXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXX

~~~

Dear XXXXXXXX:

I have no idea why you sent me these but I am happy to publish them for the world to see. But sometimes my blog brings me good things, and in this case it brought me half-nekkid picks of a dude. Love it. Best of luck in your pursuit of the beautiful life. Give your biceps a kiss for me.

DEAR DAN

A selection from the mailbag over the last month.

~~~

Hey Dan! How's your day?

Have you seen any great Broadway shows lately? I'm headed to NYC soon and was wondering if you have any recommendations.

Have a great day!

L

I haven't seen any shows lately--but I can tell you what I've heard. My brother recently saw Jersey Boys, and he's been playing the soundtrack for his daughters and teaching them to sing and dance, he loved it so much. He raves about this show; but it's all about the music.

Avenue Q has a little bit more of an edge, if you like politically-incorrect humor. Of course, Hairspray is always a winner. I've heard mixed reviews about both Xanadu and Legally Blonde--leaning to the negative side, sadly, apparently they are (gasp!) b-o-r-i-n-g.

BUT--whilst in Denver I met several people who saw The Little Mermaid's pre-Broadway run, and they liked it--good news, as I am a huge fan of that soundtrack--so if you're going to NYC in November, you can catch that show. Fun Fact: to play the under-sea scenes, the actors wear shoes with rollers in the heels, like the little kids zip around with in the mall. Pretty cool. But no Peter Pan-style cables and pullies, no flying around.

Other recommendations, anyone?

~~~

Dear Dan,

I was dating a guy for about a month, we were together almost nightly from the day we met, everything was going amazing even though neither of us had expected to meet someone we clicked so well with. Then one night, he had a party and a girl at the party came up to me, claiming to be his girlfriend. I got upset and left, but the more I thought (and talked to friends), the more sure I am that she was a friend that he got to pretend.

Why would a guy pretend to cheat on a girl he was so invested in only hours beforehand? I've asked a couple people and they say guys do this sometimes. I'm hoping you can share some insight as to why guys do this and whether it's all guys or just heteros.

Thanks.

B

These days I am very interested in the topic of men and their commitment issues--I just read The Nanny Diaries, in lieu of seeing the (apparently wretched) film, and it has my brain spinning. Why are men so scared of commitment? What would compel a man to go through alllllllll this effort, instead of just giving it a shot? And then they feel "trapped," which I don't get. We'll talk about this issue later. The book, I mean, as well as the men it profiles. Not the movie.

Oh yeah, and B--this guy of yours is a total douchebag and if he's going to make up stupid stories like this I can't imagine what redeeming qualities he would have to compel you to speak to him in the first place.

**
ADDENDUM: This writer sent me a photo of the guy in question, with the request to not publish the image. And I have to say that request is killing me, because he is a slice of deliciousness--and in the photo he is almost naked, you would enjoy gazing at it for hours on end. With this photo in mind, the writer is forgiven for her temporary lack of judgement. All readers are encouraged to send in photos of almost-naked men thank you very much.
**

~~~

Dear Dan,

I've been strangely affected by the entries from the Overeater's Diary you found. Are you going to publish any more of her entries?

Yup. And I got another diary mailed to me, too, by someone who wants me to share hers as well. Tough to read.

DEAR DAN

You post arrived at a very interesting point. Earlier in the day my brother told me that my nephew--a beautiful, happy, amazing 4 year-old--might have lymphoma. Needless to say I've sat in my office most the day in shock, or treating my staff slightly more bitchy than the norm.

He is just the sweetest child. He tells anyone who asks that he has 2 Daddies: he thinks of me, his uncle, as his Uncle Daddy. This is a little boy who in preschool, as a prize for good behavior, choose a pair of purple plastic heels because he loves to dance. No comment.

Thank you for caring, your post allowed me to contribute and actually take action against something that might attack my family. I gave up [number withheld] drinks in South Beach, and you're right--it feels much better.

Please keep my nephew in your best thoughts in prayers.

Thanks Again.

Sad.

But not sad is the fact that people are donating! Love that. The info is here: Dan Renzi

DEAR DAN

I present a collection of emails in my inbox. My challenge: to answer them in three sentences. Short and sweet, that's me. Actually I'm neither but I can pretend for today.

DANG IT! Already going on tangents. Okay here we go:

Dear Dan,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend on March 15th. Since then he's continually tried to convince me to go back into the relationship. I dated him for seven months and i was so into him I didn't see the red flags. He wanted me over his apartment every night so i stayed with him; after three weeks he wanted me to move in. I almost did but changed my mind. Since our breakup I have met him maybe 3 times to reiterate I don't want a relationship with him but only friendship.

In the last month a number of events have happened. First my car window is smashed and the inside is damaged. Nothing stolen. The next week he called and threatened suicide and told me to come over or he would kill himself and I was the only one that could save him. (I called 911.)

The next week I had my locker broken into at the gym. All my information was stolen. My wallet had my social security card, license and credit cards. My clothes that i wore to the gym were taken. My ex is a member at the gym and he new my combination but i can't blame him because i didn't see him. I got home and there was an email from him saying he was at the park and it was as beautiful as i am and he loves me and misses me.

The next week my car is fixed and I discover that the windshield is smashed and the ignition is jammed by a screw driver. More interior damage, but nothing missing.

I have been recieving messages from him, email, text and voicemails. Disturbing messages so I stop talking to him all together.

I was leaving a therapist appointment this week and he was outside waiting for me when i left the building. My therapist said he might be outside and i should keep walking and ignore him. I did and it pissed him off. He had never touch me until this day. He shoved me against the wall at and the doorman called security and then the police. He gives me a gift bag and takes off.

Although all of this has been happening (I filed a harassment report, i got an assault report and a grand larceny report for the locker break in and a vandalism report for my car) the cops say they can't do anything because they don't have enough proof that all of it is him. I can't get an order of protection until he is arrested. They asked me when i filed the assault report if i want him arrested and i said yes. But i guess they haven't got him yet.

G

Dear G,
1) You still took the gift bag. 2) That's what he wanted. 3) You need to get angry.

Sincerely, Dan

Dear Dan, I know you are a big fan of the "Deadliest Catch" as am I. Did you see that rescue by the Time Bandit (on the Apr. 24th episode)? Man! I was shaking right along with Jonathan. I'm all girlie but I get a huge kick out of watching these stinky, gruffy, hard working men on that show.

J

Dear J,
1) Step back, bitch. 2) Edgar Hansen is mine. 3) RELEASE THE POTS!

Sincerely, Dan

Dear Dan,
The guy (bf) you were carrying on your shoulders at the Gay Pride festivies. I would like to know if he is cut or uncut. I have been curious about him since he had the earlier TV show. I know his relatives are from Peru. I really would like to know.

B

Dear B,
1) What 2) the 3) f%#&?

Sincerely, Dan

DEAR DAN--THURSDAY

"Readers' questions" week continues. Are you ready for this one? (All personal details omitted for privacy.)

DEAR DAN--WEDNESDAY

Dear Dan,

Dear Dan

Dear Dan:

Why don't you write for Queerty anymore?

Queerty is not a traditional blog; there are several editors who write for the site, and no one has any control over the other. I hate them all and think they suck my lovely friend Bradford hasn't written a post in months, and the rest of the staff and I had "artistic differences." Best of luck to them.

But my contract states I can't write about the same subject matter for six months. Which is fine, I'm sick of talking about gay stuff. The world is a big place, I'd rather do something else. So instead, I am starting a new series of blogs for a real estate developer here in Miami. How cool, I'm a consultant! (And I'm getting paid a lot more.) I'll promote the living hell out of the new blog when it's got some meat on it. Seriously, it's cool as hell. Very sexy.

~~

Dear Dan:

I read blogs because I'm sick of the news. I don't understand any of it anymore, or it's about Brad and Angelina. I feel really stupid but I don't even know the difference between Shiite Muslims and Sunni Muslims.

Sunni Muslims used to be in power in Iraq, but with the new "democracy" that the US set up for them, now the Shiites have control. And Shiites are the main ethnic group and ruling party of Iran. In Saddam Hussein's day, he balanced the power between the Sunnis (he was Sunni) and the Shiites of Iran, as in that part of the world national boundaries take a backseat to ethnic identity. So it goes without saying that the Shiites of Iraq are going to side with Iran now, and how convenient that Iran now knows how to make nuclear weapons? Fabulous.

I think I have that right.

Although Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie flying off to the wilds of Africa to give birth amidst the protection of wild lions...is fucking hilarious. Bravo, well done. Just a thought: they say they did it to avoid paparazzi, but all that just makes everyone want to take their picture even more. Duh.

~~

Dear Dan:

This is just a short note saying how proud of you I am for getting actual jobs, and not supporting yourself for the last ten years by being on mtv reality game shows. If you still see some of those people remind them that once you sell your soul you CAN'T get it back.

Actually, I've sold my soul three times: I did the Extreme Challenge 2000, which was the last traveling Challenge (we went to Northeast USA, Quebec, England, Czech Republic, East Germany, and then California); I did Battle Of The Sexes, in Jamaica, 2002; and then I just did The Inferno II, on the Pacific coast of Mexico, in 2005. So yeah, I'm one of those people too. But thanks for the note anyway! Hugs and sloppy kisses.