How was your day, Dan?

CONVERSATION WITH MOM

(ring)

Hello?

"Hi Danny!"

Hello.

"Hello?"

Hello...

"Hello?"

Yes, hello...

"Can you hear me?"

Yes I can hear you.

"Oh I couldn't tell, I thought you were saying 'hello' like 'HELLO?'"

Then I would've said "Hell-OOO?" not "Hello."

"Ok, so can you hear me now?"

(pause)

No.

"Really?"

I'm kidding.  If I couldn't hear you, how could I have answered the question?

"You're very funny."

What did people talk about before the invention of cell phones, when people could call each other and have entire conversations about whether or not they can hear each other?

"I don't know. I don't even remember what I called you now."

 

CONVERSATIONS WITH MOM

"What do you think about Donald Trump running for President?"

Ridiculous.

"Why? I like him."

I don't understand why the Republicans keep sending these circus performers to the elections.  Sarah Palin was bad enough, now Donald Trump?

"But he could be good for the country."

(pause)

How?!?  His companies have filed bankruptcy four times.

"But he always beats the odds and picks himself up and succeeds.  He could do that for the country, and pull us out of trouble."

But when you file bankruptcy, you do it to get out of debt, so you don't have to pay anyone back the money you owe them.  Think about all the people he owes money, without having to pay them back.

(pause)

"I never thought of it that way."

I don't think America should solve its problems by filing bankruptcy.

(pause)

Are you there?

"You really have a way of stopping a conversation, Dan."

 

 

CONVERSATIONS WITH MOM

(ring)

"Hello?"

Hi Mom, I saw you called.

"Hi Danny!"

How is your vacation?

"Fabulous. But can I call you back?"

Sure.  What are you doing?

"I'm on my way to the spa for my pedicure."

That is fabulous.

"Whatcha doin'?"

Driving to work. 

"Which job?"

My regular one.  My waiter job is only a few evenings each week.

"How's it going?"

It's fine. I--

"Oh wait, I need to call you back. I'm getting into the elevator."

Okay, just call me later.

"Were you able to memorize the menu?"

The menu, yes, but I still don't know the wine list.

"Are you making lots of money?"

Millions.  I'll be able to afford putting you in the nicest retirement village.

"Tell them to give you the best sections so you can make lots of money and buy a house and then your mother can come visit."

When I stop making mistakes, I'll try.

"Are you going to buy a house with a lanai, like on 'The Golden Girls'?"

That's my plan, yes.

"Okay, I gotta call you back, I'm walking into the spa."

Okay, call me later.

"Do you think you're going to like working there?"

Mom, if you're going to the spa, just call me later.

"Well fine, I was just asking you a question, but if you don't want to talk to your mother..."

 

SECURITY

How Mom gets through security at the airport:

Approach security ropes, which wind several times up to metal detector.

See guard positioned at first bend in the security ropes.  Wave "hello" to the guard, who does not reply.

Drop handle to wheelie-suitcase and throw arms around son in a bear hug.

Say goodbyes.  (Sob!)

Detach from son. Take deep breath. Throw arms around him again.  Detatch again, and pick up suitcase handle. Take deep breath.

Walk down path to guard.

Turn around half-way and wave to son.

Walk rest of way to guard, who mentions the maximum number of carry-ons allowed is 2.  Present bag count, with purse and gifts: 5.

Drop bags on floor, unzip, and proceed to rearrange/consolidate contents--while crouched in corner of security path.  Smile and wave other passengers past.

Take out shoes that would look cuter with present outfit. 

Sit down on suitcase; pull on socks and newly-chosen shoes.

Stand up, grab suitcases, and proceed down path.  At next turn, pause and start to cry again. Wave.

Continue walking.  Clip security stanchion with wheelie-suitcase, and drag rope down path.

Oops! Detach from ropes.  Turn around. Wave.

Walk up to X-ray machine. Place items on belt.  Turn around. Wave.

Walk through scanner. Turn around, successfully scanned. Wave.

Collect items from X-ray machine.  Stand on tippy-toes, to look above group of businessmen.  Wave.

Chat with group of businessmen.  Point at son, who is still watching.  Wave.

Walk around corner. Look through crowd, one last time.  Spot son, still standing there watching.  Start crying again. Wave.

Finally walk down concourse, slowly, waving. Pass corner, out of sight.

(pause)

Pop head back around corner, for one last encore look.  Of course.  Spot son still standing there, waiting for that encore.  Smile through the tears.  Wave.

CHICO'S

Hello?
"Hi Danny!"

Hi Mom.

"Hey, can I call you back in a little bit? I'm walking into Chico's."

(pause)

If you can't talk, then why did you just call me?

"I'm going into Chico's and I got excited so I didn't realize I can't talk. I'll call you back."

You need to call me back soon, I'm leaving in a little while.

"Where ya goin?"

I'm going to a party.

"You're always going to parties."

Not really...you usually call me on Friday and Saturday nights.

"Well I want to make sure you're going out and having fun!"

I am.

"If you're going to a party, who is going to take care of the puppies?"

They are fine on their own for a few hours.  They just sleep.

"But when you come home, do they wake up and think it's time to play?"

They always think it's time to play.  But today we ran around a lot so they're tired.  Now we're sitting on the couch watching television.

"That sounds like so much fun! I want to sit on the couch and watch television with the puppies."

Yes it's fun. I don't want to get up, I'd rather stay home.

"No, you need to go to your party. Do you have a date?"

No.

"Why not?"

(pause)

Weren't you hanging up? I thought you have to go to Chico's.

"Oh my gosh! You're right.  I have to go.  They're having a sale."

I'll talk to you later.  Happy shopping.

"Call me tomorrow. I want to hear about your party. Love you!"

CONVERSATION WITH MOM

(ring)

Hello?

"Hi honey!"

Hi Mom.

"Whatcha doin?"

I am eating carrots and hummus.

"Carrots and hummus, at 11:30 at night.  Sounds delicious."

It is delicious. 

"You're going to have nightmares."

I know.  But I forgot to eat dinner.

"I wish I could 'forget' to eat a meal."

I'm watching what I eat now, and I've lost 20 pounds, but I don't think I ate enough food today. So this is my dinner.

"Well if you're eating now, are you going out?"

No.

"Why not?"

I dunno. I went to see "Sex And The City" last night at the midnight screening, so I didn't get to bed until 4 in the morning. I'm tired.

"Oh.  Did you go with _____?"

Yes.

"How is she?"

She's good.  The same.

(pause)

"I think you need to find a new boyfriend."

(pause)

What?

"You shoud go out on a date. You need some excitement in your life."

What are you talking about?

"You're home all the time. Every time I call you, you're home."

That's because you call me at 11:30 at night, when it's 10:30 your time and you're going to bed.

"Yeah, well... You've been single long enough, I think you need to find a nice guy and go do something fun."

Well if you find a nice guy for me, let me know.  I've been on the lookout for many years, I haven't had much luck.

"If you moved back to Kansas City I'm sure you could—"

Mom.

"—just the other day, I met the nicest man who would be great for you—"

MOM.

"—okay, okay, never mind."

Why do you think I need excitement? I have plenty of excitement.

"I know you do, but you're always going out with your friends. Why aren't you dating anybody again?"

The next time I go out, I will keep my eyes open.

"Good.  Just make sure he's rich.  Then I can retire and you can buy me a house in Florida with a lanai."

CONVERSATION WITH MOM

(ring)

Hello?

"Hi honey!"

Hi Mom.

"Happy New Year! Dum duuuum da dum DA duuuuum da dum (to the tune of Auld Lang Syne)"

Happy New Year.

"Did you have a good New Year?"

No.

"Oh. Why not?"

I was supposed to interview Kellan Lutz at a party but I got there too late and they wouldn't let me talk to him.

"Those jerks."

I think maybe he just had a few drinks already so it wasn't a good time to be interviewed.  But technically the entire problem happened before midnight, so I'm leaving it in 2009.  It's in the past.

"Good. Did you make any resolutions?"

No.

"Well I have one for you."

What?

"I've decided you need to adopt so I can have some grandchildren."

You already have several.

"I know and they are wonderful but I want more."

I am single and I live in a studio apartment. Perhaps now is not the best time for me to adopt some kids.

"How is (T.L.)?"

He's fine.

"Are you sure you aren't getting back together?"

Mom, relationships are very complicated. I don't know.

(pause)

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Not really.

"Is he still in Mexico City?"

Yes but he's coming back.

"Do you think you're going to—"

MOM.

"M'kay."

(pause)

When I find a rich husband, you'll be the first to know, so you can start planning.

"Do whatever you need to do. I saw the cutest baby clothes yesterday and I thought, I need someone to buy those for."

Ask (my younger brother).

"I already did."

So what kind of kids should I get?  Did you see boy clothes or girl clothes?

"Both.  Oh my God! They were so precious."

I'm sure.

"You should have seen them, they were the cutest things.  When you adopt your kids I can come visit and I'll take you shopping."

Do you remember when you were in denial about me being gay and we never had these conversations about my personal life?

"I can't wait to retire so I can just watch TV and go shopping for my grandkids all day."

Maybe we can get you a puppy and you and buy clothes for it instead.

"Nice try.  No thanks."

I am going to regret taking you to that P-FLAG meeting for the rest of my life.

"Yeah well times change. Oh! And they had the cutest little shoes!"

CONVERSATION WITH MOM

My niece, P, is in third grade.

~

(ring)

Hello?

"Hi Uncle Dan."

Hi P. 

(voice of my mother in background: "Tell him where you are!")

"Uncle Dan, I'm at Grandma's house."

Yes, I see that from the caller ID.

(Mom: "Tell him what you're doing!")

What are you up to?

("Tell him you're baking cookies!")

"Grandma and I are baking cookies."

That sounds fun.

("Tell him what today was!")

"Um..." (confused pause)

So, P, what did you do today?

"Today was our first day of school."

I see.

("Tell him what else you did today!")

"Um..."

Do you know what Grandma wants you to tell me?

"No."

Are you confused with both me and Grandma talking at once?

("Tell him about your soccer game!")

"Well...a little."

("Tell him how you scored a goal!")

(pause)

Do you like school?

"It's okay."

("Tell him what else happened today!")

Do you like your teacher?

("Tell him you went for pizza!")

"She's alright.  But she's very strict."

Well, then don't make her mad.

"I won't."

("Tell him your sister got her new Hannah Montana scarf!")

What else is new?

("Okay, it's time to take out the cookies!")

"Um...I have to go."

Yes, I hear that.  Okay, I will talk to you later.  Can you put Grandma on the phone?

"Okay.  Bye."

(pause)

"Hi Danny!"

Mom, what are you doing?

"We're baking cookies, didn't P tell you?"

But I can barely get a sentence out of her with you telling her what to say!

"Well excuse me for wanting you to have a conversation with your own niece."

CONVERSATIONS WITH MOM

"Hello?"

Hi Mom.

"Hi Danny!"

What are you doing?

"Cleaning out my closet."

That sounds fun.

"I had a dream last night."

About what?

"I was wearing my blue jeans."

What happened?

"That was it!"

So?

"I never wear jeans."

Oh.

"And I looked super."

When?

"In my jeans.  In my dream."

Oh.

"Don't you understand?  It means I need to try something new."

Why?

"Because I was doing something I never do."

Ah.

"It's a sign.  I am going to have a change of life."

Who knew jeans could be so prophetic?

"I know!  What new thing should I do?"

Skydiving.

(pause)

"Nah."

What do you want to do?

"I don't know, but it's gonna be very exciting."

I'm sure.

"Maybe I'll find a rich international playboy and he'll whisk me away on his private jet."

What about Dad?

"He won't care. I'll make him a sandwich before I leave."

If you meet a millionaire, ask him if he has friends for me.

"I will.  So now, I am looking for my jeans.  I have some jeans in here somewhere I haven't worn in years.  I want to see if they fit."

Do you think they will?

"Probably not."

Too bad.

"But I have to try.  A new life is waiting for me and I'll be wearing my jeans.  It's my destiny."

CONVERSATIONS WITH MOM

(ring)

Hello?

"Hi Danny!"

Hi Mom.

"Whatcha doin?"

I'm getting ready to film a segment for a design show on ___.

"Oh cool."

Here are my lines, are you ready?

"Yeah."

Hi, welcome to Design Dilemma. I'm Dan Renzi.  A viewer emailed us and asked for a solution to give her interior spaces a fresh start...

"Don't say it like that."

Say what?

"You're going up too much.  You should say it more down. Hi, WELcome to deSIGN DI-lemma.  I'M dan renzi."

Okay.

"HI, WECOME to DE-sign DI-lemma.  I'm dan RENzi."

Mom, I have to go--

" ..heLLO, and WELCOME to deSIGN di-LEM-ma.  I'm (her name) RENzi. "

--they're calling me to come shoot--

"This is how you should say it.  Hello, and WELcome to de-SIGN DI-lemma.  I'm (her name) RENzi."

Okay.

"Oh!  But don't say my name, they'll know you talked to me."

Good point.

"Do they need another host for their show?"

I'll ask.

"Okay.  Hi, I'm (her name) RENzi, and WELcome to DE-sign di-LEM-ma.   You should say 'Hi' and not 'Hello,' it sounds better."

Got it.  I gotta go--

"What are they having you wear?"

Lederhosen and leather boots.

"Really?"

Mom, the sound guy is standing right in front of me holding my microphone, I have to go, okay?

"Call me when you're finished! I love you!"