Every year for my birthday, I choose a theme to help my mother pick out a gift for me. Despite my insistence that she stop buying me presents as if it is my 16th Birthday Extravaganza for the 22nd time, every year she drives herself crazy with anxiety as she tries to pick out something I will treasure and adore. Her panic stems from an unfortunate incident of which I do not remember, when I was 6 years old; I had comprised a list of desired birthday presents, but my mother--in a lapse of judgement--went rogue and bought something she thought I would like instead of something I specified I wanted. I don't remember the gift in question...but apparently I was, shall we say, underwhelmed. It left her traumatized and she has relived the horror every year since. Not that she uses that experience to make me feel guilty, oh no.
Past themes have been "Things That Are Shiny," "Polka Dot Party," and "Think Pink." All were big fun. My favorite was "Things You Can Buy From The SkyMall Catalog," which is my go-to source for all my shopping needs; the gifts didn't have to come directly from the catalog, but the items given had be seen on the pages of the catalog somewhere. That was a fun year.
This year's theme is "Things I Collect." But how do you know what I collect, you ask? Well let me give you some examples.
For instance, I need this for my Gay Movies 101 memorabilia collection.
It's the Mommie Dearest Doll. Price: $150, although the eBay resale prices will undoubtedly be much higher. If it came with a tiny container of Ajax, I would sell a kidney to raise the money to buy one of these myself. (more info here)
Next, I would like one of these for my shoe collection.
...and by "shoe collection," I really just mean I have a bunch of shoes, some of which I have never worn because I can't bring myself to risk scuffing them, I love them so much. But I promise I would wear these Donald J Pliner red Oxfords--because they are so fantastic, the world deserves to experience them on someone's feet. I volunteer to accept that responsibility.
For my "Kitchen Gadget Collection," I am obsessed with getting my own bread machine.
Now that I have discovered I can no longer handle eating wheat grown in America, because it has been "modified" to have absurd amounts of gluten in it not found in nature...and eating pasta or bread or English Muffins makes me immobile from pain, even though I grew up in an Italian family and ate pasta every Sunday dinner with no problems...ugh...it's so freaky to think our food is poisoning us because agriculture companies want to make more profit, even though the crops we grow aren't allowed in Europe because they are nervous about our science-experiment mutated plants, and what we call "organic," they just call "food."
This isn't supposed to be about agricultural policy.
So I am going to start making bread out of oat flour. And one of these awesome bread machines would make it more fun. And I'll leave it up to The New York Times to explain the wheat gluten drama.
For my Good Grammar collection, I want--no, need--this shirt.
Finally, for my "My Little Ponies Collection," I would like this.
I don't actually collect My Little Ponies. I just want this gift-wrapped, please.