As I have watched TV tonight, on what is arguably the biggest night of TV in eons, there are many conflicting shows to watch. Don't have TiVo? Let me help align your priorities.
1) Start with "Dancing With The Stars." Uneventful at first; Nancy Grace looks like she's having fun and she's actually fine, but then David Arquette follows and he is surprisingly good. Who knew?
2) After David, switch to ABC Family. They're showing "Bring It On," featuring the adorable Jesse Metcalfe. Ah, I had SUCH a crush back in the day.
3) It's time for "Two And A Half Men." Ashton Kutcher can't act but the other guy is funny. And Ashton gets naked, like twice. Wowza.
4) When the credits roll, switch back to "Dancing." You've probably missed Carson Kressley perform, but he's just awful and spazzy and tries to save face by making jokes about how his own clothes are just as glittery as his ballroom dancing costume. Blah. But you will catch the end, when you will see Chaz Bono dance. And he's actually pretty good! His weight just gets in the way, he's a little heavy-footed but he can move nonetheless. I say the soldier with the burn scars will win, he's probably the best dancer so far.
5) And you can completely skip the entire Charlie Sheen "roast." You'll read all the good jokes on Facebook and Twitter.