How was your day, Dan?

EMMYS

Let's discuss the Emmys.  I'm watching it right now. (updating as I go)

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First of all, Kim Kardashian and Cher are becoming the same person. They have had so much plastic surgery, they exchange facial parts, snapping them on and off like a Potato Head doll.  This is why they are never seen in the same place together.  Did Kim Kardashian learn nothing from Bruce Jenner's hideous face lift?  Plastic surgery is not the way to go.  Especially when you're still in your 30's.

That's off my chest now, I feel better.

--News from the red carpet: Javier Bardem is going to appear on an episode of Glee, playing Sue Sylvester's ex-boyfriend.  Let me tell you how much fun that sentence was to type.  I wish all blog posts were filled with good news like that.  I have such an inexplicable desire for Javier Bardem, I might actually see "Eat Pray Love" and sit through the whole thing, just to see his scenes at the end.  Although I am working up to committing to that experience, it will take lots of willpower.

--Neil Patrick Harris needs to stop wearing the taupe-gray tuxedos.

--Julia Louis Dreyfus needs to hire a stylist, and stop getting her dresses at the mall.

--Giuliana Rancic quote: "You'll never believe this--but Susan Sarandon LOVES ping pong."  Seriously.  Said, on television.

(let's move to the awards. shall we?)

--Eric Stonestreet deserves this win.  Sorry, Neil Patrick Harris, you're the favorite but seriously...Stonestreet is genius.  If Jane Lynch doesn't win, however, it negates the entire show.

--Okay, Jane wins, that's good.  Her speech, however, is not.

--Ryan Murphy just won for Best Director (Glee); as he stood, he kissed his beau.  So far, this entire show has been one big same-sex kiss after another. 

--Congratulations to Jim Parsons for winning Best Actor in a Comedy, The Big Bang Theory, a show most of America has seen while watching in-flight TV.

--Seriously, how many Oprah promos are there going to be in this Emmys broadcast?  She's not even closing her show, she's just moving to her own network.  It's like Cher giving seventeen "farewell" tours.  Oh cool, I've mentioned Cher twice in one post.

(this blog post will pause during the awards for drama series--what is plural for "series"?  serieses?--because I don't watch any of these shows except for "Mad Men."  We'll see if they win any big ones.)

--Wait—they're cutting of people's acceptance speeches so Jimmy Fallon can sing songs dressed up like Elton John?  Changing. The. Channel.

--George Clooney just won the Humanitarian award, for all his telethons to raise money for disasters.  And he mentioned how he is 49 years old.  If that's what 49 looks like, I cannot wait to get there.  Or maybe I would just like to meet his version up close and very personal.

--Let's take a break to discuss the worst gowns, shall we?  I already mentioned Julia Louis Dreyfus; January Jones looks like she was dressed by a Project Runway contestant; Anna Paquin looks like she is is ready to go into battle, that dress is the WORST.

--Back to the awards. I haven't seen any of the other nominees for Best Actress in a TV movie; but I can't believe any of them were as good as Claire Danes was in "Temple Grandin."  Flawless.

FAT PUPPY

Please don't be fooled by this photo.  That whitish-pink thing on the left is not actually a rare species of Pale Thigh Tree, that is my leg; and hanging onto it is not a even rarer species of Pudgy Marmoset, that is a rotund little foster puppy that is presently in my care.  He is all alone in the world, so he is a bit clingy.  I don't blame him.  It's not easy being a puppy.

Reasons I love this dog:

1) He knows what the newspaper on the floor is for.  God bless him.  However, he does not leave the paper on the floor where I place it; he moves it around the room, rearranging it in a manner more suitable for his tastes.  He doesn't shred it, he just redecorates.

2) When he gets upset, he is calmed by the sounds of Madonna's Greatest Hits.

3) He had some GI problems, so to make sure everything is healed and there are no intestinal injuries I'm feeding him a diet of premium puppy food, acidophilus, and aloe vera extract.  And he likes it.  He told me he wants to explore the possibilities of eating an all-organic diet, so I'm looking into that for him.

4) He is desperately dramatic, and often sits with a paw cocked up, a la a "limp wrist."  Just like his foster father.

I'll get a photo of the effete paw when I find my camera.  My next test: I'm going to play showtunes, and if he howls along, I'm forming the Miami Beach chapter of POLGA, Parents and Owners of Lesbian and Gay Animals.  It's super fun.  We'll wear cute outfits and trade grooming tips and let our pets sniff whoever they want to sniff without worrying about what's appropriate.

MOSQUE

Would it matter if a Christian group proposed going to the neighborhood near (not "at"!) the World Trade Center site, knocking down an old Burlington Coat Factory building, and building a church?  What if it were, say, a Hare Krishna group, or Tibetan monks?  What's the issue here?

I am reasonably certain if this mosque is built, a church will soon follow.  Although honestly I don't think that's really a bad thing; why not turn it into an area of religious expression?  Pile a bunch of churches and synagogues and mosques on top of each other and make everyone deal with each other.  It would be more interesting than the stripper bars and  Subway sandwich shops that are currently besmirching the sanctity of the area.

BOOKS FOR 5TH GRADE

Favorite books when you were a kid? Anywhere between 4th-6th grade. Discuss.

So far:

• Anything by Judy Blume
• Choose Your Own Adventure books
• Goosebumps books
• The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis

• Beezus and Ramona by Beverly Cleary (first of a series)
• Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
• Charlotte's Web by E.B. White
• The Cricket in Times Square by George Selden
• From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E.L. Konigsburg
• The Girl with the Silver Eyes by Willo Davis Roberts
• James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
• Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder
• Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
• Matilda by Roald Dahl
  
• Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh by Robert O'Brien
  
• The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster
• Salted Lemons by Doris Buchanan Smith
• Trumpet of the Swan by E.B. White
• The Secret Garden by Frances Burnett
• Witch of Blackbird Pond by Elizabeth George Speare
• A Wrinkle In Time by Madeleine L'Engle

GOOD MORNING

Hola.  'Tis Friday morning and the day is filled with unexpected adventures.  Actually I don't even know if it's sunny or raining, as I have all my curtains closed--for complicated reasons involving a series of tree sprouts on my window sills, backed with the lids of aluminum serving containers I picked up from a banquet.  Moving my curtains would disturb the intricate operation.  It looks ridiculous, but no more ridiculous than the drug addict who lives down the building and covers his windows with foil.  Welcome to Miami.

I am growing Banyan Trees, and when they're big enough I'm going to secretly plant them in places where they can grow and make the world a more beautiful place.  I shall sneak around in the middle of the night, ninja-style, digging holes and sticking trees into the ground, before making a high-speed escape.

I was walking on a path I often take, and stretches were very sunny and hot; I thought about the need for some trees to give walkers like moí some shade, and who is going to do it if not me?...Banyans are native to India, but they grow here very successfully thanks to the similar climates.  These trees are all over the place.  We'll see if someone gets mad and pulls mine out of the ground.  

Anyway—so I don't know what it's like outside today.  I'm guessing I will be greeted by a day that is a million degrees, sunny, and unrelentingly humid. That's the safe bet.  If not, I'll get rained on and curse my baby trees for leaving me unprepared. Just getting oneself out the front door is such an adventure.

PROBLEMS

The New Rule:

Unless you are capable of helping me solve one of my problems, and you actually take action to do so, you are no longer allowed to complain to me about what's wrong with your life.

I have more problems than anyone I know, and all I listen to is yap, yap, yap, what's wrong with everyone else.  I can't even watch "The Rachel Zoe Project" without listening to her lament about how hard it is to put together a fashion show.  Really?  Shut up!  When you have half the problems that I have, Rachel, the I'll lend you an ear.  Until then, I am a no complaint zone.  Take it somewhere else.  Or better yet, come over here and let's work out some of the drama in my sphere of clusterf#ckness, and once things are evened out a little bit we can take things from there.

(sigh)

Here's a photo of dolphins swimming in Biscayne Bay.  Perhaps it will lighten the mood. The photo itself is not spectacular but it was a thrilling moment.  (click to enlarge)

NURSING

Who can explain the nursing industry?  Specifically, how does one obtain a degree of Nurse Practitioner?  The more I read, the more I spiral into the abyss of confusion.

I have an undergraduate degree from Rutgers, a B.S. in a self-designed degree that is basically political science.  My biological science experience is limited.

However, I've worked here and there in health care--I was an HIV counselor, among other tidbits, which gave me a little clinical experience.

So do I get a BSN?  Do I just need an RN degree, before I go on to the NP program?  Do you need a BSN in order to go on to graduate study?

MY LATEST OBSESSION: DUAL SURVIVAL

My relationship with "Deadliest Catch" is over.  Once Captain Phil died, it just wasn't the same. 

After a brief rebound-affair with the Real Housewives—which was exciting at first, but grew tiresome and stressful quickly—I have moved on to my most recent love, which looks like it could be a promising relationship: Dual Survival, on The Discovery Channel.

Let's discuss.

I implore you to watch.  Unlike Man vs. Wild with Bear Grylls, which feels like he's always yelling at me through my television and telling me I will never be as cool as he is, Dual Survival is is more about helpful survival tips, should you ever find yourself stranded in the highlands of the Dominican Republic or a rainforest somewhere.  It's like Martha Stewart meets the Navy S.E.A.L.s, survival with a touch of craftiness.

Who would you rather be matched up with?  I can't decide.

Dave: Ex-military.  Could presumably kill you with his bare hands.  Fearless almost to a fault, except he's a little scared of scorpions.  But when he faces down a hive of Africanized killer bees, really he's doing it just to get some honey, which he wants to share with you and be friends.  Aw.

Cody: Barefoot hippie.  Braids in his hair.  Enjoys harvesting cactus flowers; can purify drinking water with just a plastic bag; knows what flowers to eat to make you horny. And he's somewhat skilled with a one-liner now and then, he's rather funny.

I am glued to my TV watching these men wander through the wilderness, eating bugs and drinking algae-filled stagnant water.  I actually make mental notes that when I am stranded on an island somewhere, using fresh bushes with lots of leaves will give me white smoke, the best to send a smoke signal for help.  Please keep in mind my idea of "wilderness" is "hiking" in the mangrove preserves of Key Biscayne—which means walking along a shady path that eventually leads to the Ritz-Carlton. 

I believe I found this show late; the season is almost over, perhaps?...that's bad news.  I'm certain Season 2 will come soon.  There is still so much I need to learn.

SUNDAY

Well hello.

It's Sunday night, and I'm sitting on my couch. Although most couch-sitting time involves TV entertainment of some sort, I'm trying to keep mine off tonight to see if I can survive without it.  Instead, I'm listening to my Italian neighbor jabber away excitedly on his phone; he doesn't get cell phone reception in his apartment, so he stands on the front doorstep to conduct his calls, all of which sound terribly exciting based on the way he speaks.  He is somewhat muffled by the rhythmic whirring of my washing machine, which runs via a hose attached to my kitchen sink; a present from my mother, that thing is the key to my happiness and survival.

Laundromats really are the most depressing places in modern society.  Funeral homes are more dramatic, with all the crying and the "Why?!"-ing, but there is at least a sense of closure inherent in their nature; laundromats offer no closure, but instead they give you a vision down a long, gray road of sub-standard lifestyle standards, perpetual reminders that your sad life has no hope of ever improving and you will forever lead an existence so meager you cannot afford your own washing machine.  That's it, your stuck.  Go get some more quarters, loser.

BAM.  Neighbor just went back inside.  Door is slammed, important conversation over.

Rain is falling in a slow-yet-persistent drizzle, which means the city has shut down and no one wants to go outside and play.  These are the days when a gentleman sits on the couch with a certain inamorato or lady-friend or whatever he may desire.  I have no such luck.  A lovely rainy day, wasted.  Just me, my neighbor, and my washing machine.  I would turn the TV on but I don't want to include any of the Real Housewives in my morose menage a troís.  They are tiresome and over.  Too much.

So I shall stay in. Rain or otherwise, I shouldn't go outside anyway; the world is a terrifying place, filled with peril. I'll leave you with this ESL lesson, should you ever decide to venture out into the world (you're so brave!) and find yourself in a life-threatening situation:

PROPOSITION 8

Since a majority of this blog's readership is heterosexual females, who have no plans of entering same-sex marriages, in an effort to educate I shall make a somewhat-informed comment on the Proposition 8 ruling in California.

• The backstory: Calfornia legalized same-sex marriage.  Some grumpy people with too much time on their hands campaigned for State Assembly members to create a law that would (a) make same-sex marriage illegal again, and (b) write "no same-sex marriage" into the state constitution.  In the 2008 election, the voters of California approved this new law, which is called Proposition 8.  The catch: any gay people who got married in that brief period of legality were still married.  There were no new marriages allowed.
• That loophole made absolutely no sense.  Is it legal?...is it not?...what's up?
• Some California citizens filed a lawsuit, saying the law is discriminatory because it singles out the gays. After lots of time was spent fighting it out in court, U.S. District Chief Judge Vaughn R. Walker agreed with the notion that it is discriminatory. 
• Alas! Foes of gay marriage have a LOT of money at their disposal, and they have promised to take the matter to the U.S. Supreme Court.
• Once that Supreme Court ruling happens, the issue will end for our lifetime.  Either gay marriage will be legalized or it won't.  Whatever their decision, it will take a U.S. Constitutional Amendment to change it; writing an amendment to the Constitution won't happen, so the Supreme Court ruling will stick.  End of discussion.  So obviously, if the Supreme Court says "gay marriage is illegal," that would be a sad thing for the pro-marriage equality side. :(
• The big gay organizations, like HRC and NGLTF and what-not, tried to gently dissuade people from filing that lawsuit, saying the risk is too great, and it would be better to fight Proposition 8 through the legislative process.  But those big organizations have become somewhat obsolete in recent years.  They have tens of millions of dollars at their disposal, thanks to donations from corporations that want to appear "gay-friendly,"  but they don't do much actual work.  They don't have any actual authority in Washington, D.C.; for example, the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell is happening because our military desperately needs soldiers, not because they care about the opinions of some gay people who work for gay groups.  (The gay political organizations keep themselves in the news, however, by issuing "proclamations" and "condemnations" and "statements" about the work other people are doing, so it looks like they have a hand in the action.)  As a result, their wishes to avoid a lawsuit were ignored.

So now we'll see what the Supreme Court says.  Because it is a partisan branch of government (it's not supposed to be), and Conservative justices outnumber Liberal justices, there's a slight probability the Supreme Court will make gay marriage illegal and that would suck.  But they also may keep it in the jurisdiction of each state, which would mean things won't change from what they are now—states define marriage independently, so it's legal some places and not others—which is better than nothing.  Maybe the lawsuit was a mistake, maybe not...fingers crossed.