How was your day, Dan?

SLIDESHOW

If I were to put some of these pics--

http://danrenzi.typepad.com/stuff/2006/02/i_went_to_the_m.html

--into a slideshow, where the pics fade in and out in a peaceful manner, how do I do this?  I tried to find an html tutorial online but none of them work.

OBAMA AND OIL

Dear President Obama,

As one of your biggest cheerleaders, I would like you to know that if you do not step into this BP oil well disaster and get it under control, all your future political prospects will rapidly come to an end.  Seriously, what else is so important that could possibly take priority over you working on this?  I'm telling you, if you don't figure out something in about a week, your career will be deader than an oil-soaked Louisiana bayou.

Please.  I want to vote for you in 2012 but my vote may not make a difference, you'll lose so bad.  I suggest you drop everything you are doing, and call the Army Corps of Engineers.

That's all.

Sincerely,

Dan Renzi

SCRUB BRUSH

Code red, everybody.  I need this kitchen scrub brush and it is sold only in Britain.

Please don't brush this off like it is a trivial request.  This is a Michael Graves scrub brush, which will replace my current Michael Graves scrub brush that I've owned for four years and used almost daily.  The bristles are the perfect tension between pliable and stiff, for maximum scrubbing action, and the head fits perfectly inside my glassware and can properly clean the bottom of each glass.

I cannot find my kitchen brush for sale in the US anywhere, but this new model is almost the same thing except for the fancy new soap dispenser button that makes it even better AND I MUST HAVE IT.

This store doesn't sell to the US. 

There is an episode of "Absolutely Fabulous" when Edina is contemplating remodeling her kitchen, and she knows exactly which door handle she wants to buy.  The door handle is in New York.  So she flies there, with Patsy in tow, just to take a photo of it.  And then she flies back home. 

I understand this obsessiveness. 

CONVERSATION WITH MOM

(ring)

Hello?

"Hi honey!"

Hi Mom.

"Whatcha doin?"

I am eating carrots and hummus.

"Carrots and hummus, at 11:30 at night.  Sounds delicious."

It is delicious. 

"You're going to have nightmares."

I know.  But I forgot to eat dinner.

"I wish I could 'forget' to eat a meal."

I'm watching what I eat now, and I've lost 20 pounds, but I don't think I ate enough food today. So this is my dinner.

"Well if you're eating now, are you going out?"

No.

"Why not?"

I dunno. I went to see "Sex And The City" last night at the midnight screening, so I didn't get to bed until 4 in the morning. I'm tired.

"Oh.  Did you go with _____?"

Yes.

"How is she?"

She's good.  The same.

(pause)

"I think you need to find a new boyfriend."

(pause)

What?

"You shoud go out on a date. You need some excitement in your life."

What are you talking about?

"You're home all the time. Every time I call you, you're home."

That's because you call me at 11:30 at night, when it's 10:30 your time and you're going to bed.

"Yeah, well... You've been single long enough, I think you need to find a nice guy and go do something fun."

Well if you find a nice guy for me, let me know.  I've been on the lookout for many years, I haven't had much luck.

"If you moved back to Kansas City I'm sure you could—"

Mom.

"—just the other day, I met the nicest man who would be great for you—"

MOM.

"—okay, okay, never mind."

Why do you think I need excitement? I have plenty of excitement.

"I know you do, but you're always going out with your friends. Why aren't you dating anybody again?"

The next time I go out, I will keep my eyes open.

"Good.  Just make sure he's rich.  Then I can retire and you can buy me a house in Florida with a lanai."

MOVIE CLUB: SEX AND THE CITY 2

If you haven't seen "Sex And The City 2" and you don't want to know what happens, don't read this post yet.

Let's discuss "Sex And The City 2."

1) Loved this movie.  I don't understand why so many people are trashing it?...movie critics need to lighten up!  It's just a fun story.  And it was a well-written, well-acted fun story.  This movie is for fans of the show; these are the characters we love, the clothes we love, the funny one-liners and gay friends and obsessive dramas about men that we love.  If you don't like the TV show, then you're not going to like the movie, so why bother seeing it? 

2) Yes, it's cliché, and yes it gets silly once in a while.  The end scene, when they're running through the souk hiding in the veils, it seemed like it was pulled from a script of "Scooby Doo."  But those moments were brief, no big deal.

3) Towards the end of the TV series, the acting fell into a caricature rut—Carrie constantly waxed-poetic about New York, fabulous New York, blah blah blah no one cares.  And Charlotte never went an episode without prudishly pursing her lips and wrinkling her cute little nose to show how she is the prissy character.  But in this movie, they're back to their true selves, and at times they're all very funny. 

4) Miranda is perhaps a little underutilized, but if they gave her any more story, the movie would have run even longer (it's already 2 1/2 hours!) and there's no need for that.

5) I would love to know—how did they get Charlotte's kid to cry constantly?

6) Best cameo role: (a) Liza Minnelli? (b) "Paula" Abdul? (c) Smith Jerrod when he takes of his shirt completely gratuitously? (Thank you!)

7) I'm voting for Paula.  But I do hope Liza records a full-length cover of "Single Ladies."

8) I have mentioned a few times my trip to Dubai—another city in the United Arab Emirates—and I'd say everything the movie references about the culture is spot-on.  That includes Samantha's legal troubles, there have been several stories about tourists getting arrested for rolling around on the beach and smooching; that's a big no-no, regardless of whether or not you have sex.  And yes, the hotel will treat you like an outcast if you do anything they don't like.  Although I never saw a veiled woman eating anything, but I would have stared at her if she ate french fries beneath her veil.

BP

Getting angry at the petroleum companies is tricky business.  Where can you turn to find an innocent party?

Let's discuss Shell.  The company is a major presence in the Niger Delta area of Africa, where thousands of people have become sick from untreated pollution.  Shell is based in the UK, and obviously has no reason to enact environmental standards in Africa; it's much cheaper to pay bribes to government officials.  

When a Nigerian writer named Ken Saro-Wiwa protested Shell's actions, executives with the company *allegedly* bribed the government to arrest him for fake charges.  In exchange for testifying against Saro-Wiwa, Shell offered these "witnesses" jobs with the company.  He was of course found guilty of whatever they made up, and he was hanged in 2005.  

In 2009, Shell agreed to pay $15.5 million in a legal settlement to dismiss its human rights violations.  

So we can't buy gas at Shell.  NEXT:

Let's discuss ExxonMobil.  Never mind when Exxon and Mobil merged, the company revoked its non-discrimination policy for gay employees, as well as domestic partnership benefits, that were previously in place with Mobil.  That's enough for me to be pissed.  But the Exxon Valdez oil spill is still polluting Prince William Sound, that oil hasn't been cleaned up yet.  But ExxonMobil doesn't need to pay for the clean-up, yet they are one of the most profitable companies in the world?  Fine.  

Okay, we're not buying gas at ExxonMobil either. MOVING ON:

Let's discuss BP.  Mother Jones Magazine, an environmental and social justice publication, has repeatedly named BP on the Top 10 Worst Comapnies in the US for pollution problems and human rights abuses.  The problem with the current oil well spill (the well is called Deepwater Horizon) isn't that there was an accident; the problem is in BP knowing there were safety flaws in the rig, but instead of fixing them, they bribed inspectors to not require changes.  And to put this in perspective: the amount coming out of the pipe is equivalent to an entire Exxon Valdez spill approximately every three days.  It's been spilling for a month.  Oh, and 11 people were killed in the explosion, we shouldn't forget them.

Where can you buy your gas?  I guess Texaco hasn't messed up yet, or not that I know.  My only solace is that we will soon run out of petroleum anyway, although these companies are already jockeying to control production of the chemicals needed for the "batteries" in electric cars.  And of course, those are mined in undeveloped countries as well, so the people are all being kicked off their lands there too, but that's another story for another time.

CLEANING OUT THE CAMERA

Let's take a look at some of my recent photos, shall we?  Here we go:

 

I took a cruise to The Bahamas. If you go to Nassau, hop in a car/on a scooter and take Bay Road all the way west to Clifton Heritage Park, a former slave plantation that is now a historical site.  A walkway is carved into a cliff wall, called the Pirate Steps, which lead down to this little cove.  I think it looks like a hiding spot for one of Voldemort's horcruxes.  Getting down those steps is about as dangerous as battling a horcrux's curses, I wouldn't recommend trying to get down there.

June is the traditional Gay Pride celebration month—the Stonewall riots erupted June 27, 1969 in New York, and Pride events generally celebrate this occasion—but Miami Beach hosts Gay Pride much earlier, in April when the weather is still manageable.  Tens of thousands of people crowded South Beach for this festival, including the gorgeous butterfly pictured above, who flitted 'round the party spreading the love.  Who says South Beach doesn't have class?

 

Speedboating near Key Biscayne.  Our top speed: 94 mph.  Super fast.

 

For my Tour Guide Certification course—I'm studying to be a guide for the Miami metro area—we must research and create a tour.  My topic: the history of the city as told through its historical churches.  We'll jump around the city, visiting some large churches and some tiny cute little churches, all with many many stories to tell.  The mosaic pictured above is in the apse (the front) in Trinity Episcopal, the oldest church in Miami.  I could tell you all sorts of cool stuff about Trinity Episcopal, but you'll just have to come on my tour instead.

ALCOHOL RANT

I'm not going to drink alcohol anymore.  I don't like the way it tastes, and I become drunk immediately and pass out.  My friends call me "Two Drink Dan" because I can't hold my liquor.  99% of the time I drink, I'm doing so only because I feel like I "should," not because I want to do so.

Wine makes me sleepy; liquor all tastes bitter; beer makes me feel like I just ate a loaf of white bread.  I like Bailey's Irish Cream, but that's basically an ice cream shake so I don't think it counts.  You'll die of clogged arteries before you get drunk from drinking too much of that.

Who really cares if I have a drink?  Why are people so insistent about getting me a drink?  Some people get nervous in social situations when I'm standing in front of them, without a drink in my hands.  Do you want a drink?  Why don't you want a drink?  Have a drink.  Have a drink.  Have a drink.  

What if I didn't want to drink because I was going to drive soon?  I don't care if you've driven a little tipsy and not killed anyone, I'd rather not do it.

What if I am an alcoholic?  Pushing me to drink isn't helping me, or anyone in the room.  Either I would have to summon some massive willpower to repeatedly turn you down, or I'd have to blurt out my business.  Nothing says "fun" like introducing yourself as a walking addiction.  And I'm not an alcoholic anyway!  I just don't like it.  This is not such a shocking concept.

I will hold a glass sometimes, just so people will leave me alone, but it just goes to waste. I don't want to suck down glasses of soda, gross; and I have a moral objection to bottled water—plastic never biodegrades, it just turns into plastic "sand" on a molecular level and doesn't go away—so I don't want to stand there and hold a water bottle for no reason.  I am there to actually talk to people.  I don't need a crutch in my hand, like "It's okay, you don't have to try too hard to be interesting.  I'm not really here to talk to you anyway.  I'm just here because I'm so extraordinarily thirsty."

I went through most of my college experience without drinking anything.  I would take the train from Rutgers into NYC, and would stay out until the first train back at 5 a.m., and then go to class.  If I fell asleep on that train, I would be on my way to Philadelphia.  So I had to be sober.  I couldn't afford cocktails anyway.  I guess that habit stuck with me.

So that's that.  I've done this before, I've gone years without touching alcohol, but I would start drinking just because my friends wanted me to join in their fun.  But I can have fun anyway.

JUST WOKE UP

I woke up at 11 p.m.  Watch reruns or watch "The Devil Wears Prada" again?  These are the decision I face, desperate for resolution.

Tonight I'm taking a break from my latest exciting mission: there is a guy living here in South Beach I have seen around town, and I must meet him.  Every time I see him, he is wearing a black fedora, he's holding a bag over his shoulder, and he is pretending to talk on his phone.  Sitting in a noisy bar, he's nodding in agreement with his imaginary friend, engaged in quiet pleasant conversation.  At the movie theater, he stands in the lobby and discusses what movies are showing and the times they start.  I have no idea why he does this.  Although I also don't have any ideas why anyone would wear a fedora, so he is just a big mystery.

Is this a case of fake texting to create the illusion you're terribly popular?  I've pulled out my phone and sent messages to make people stop talking to me, to send a message (no pun intended) that I want to be left alone.  But this guy is having full-scale conversations.  Yet his phone is not on while doing so.  Sorry dude, cell phones light up when in use, you're busted.

I'm not sure he's crazy.  His hat is unfortunate, but it's not weird enough to be abnormal.  He doesn't have crazy eyes, and from what I can hear his conversations are mundane—obviously fake, but very mundane and logical—so there doesn't seem to be a lot of chaos going on inside his head.  OMG, what if he is crazy, but the voices in his head are just really boring?  That would be such a shame.  If you're going to hear voices, hopefully they'll keep you interested in what they're saying.  I am bored with people around me who are real, but at least I can walk away from them.  Boring voices in your head, you're stuck with them.

I've decided the next time I see this guy, I'm going to introduce myself.  If he really is that lonely, he needs to practice his people skills and a little conversation will be nice.  If he's bonkers, then by all means that's all the more fun for me.  I have befriended many of the South Beach Crazies, and if he's a new addition to the ranks then I definitely need to get to know him.  And I must remember to ask him where he got his fedora.

I'm certain people in South Beach think I am one of the local crazies as well, as I sit on benches along Lincoln Road and stare at people. 

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

I have discussed some important issues here on my blog.

I told stories of my affair with a man who, I eventually found out, had a wife and kids.

I have detailed my involvement in political campaigns, and opened my comments to discussion and often contentious debate.

Today, I have what may be the most important topic to ever be broached in cyberspace.

The topic: the recipe for perfect breakfast waffles.

While shopping in a thrift store, I stumbled upon an somewhat-older waffle iron, a huge juggernaut of an appliance with a spacious square grill made of removable iron plates.  It drains so much electricity, when I plug it in the lights in my kitchen go slightly dim.  There is no safety switch, so if I forget to unplug it I could feasibly burn down the entire building.  That's power. I love this thing.

I am happy to tell you I have cooked waffles, from scratch, many days in a row while experimenting with different flours, ratios of baking soda/baking powder/eggs/etc., and throwing in extra flavors from time to time.

Oh, delicious waffles, how I love you so.  Your crusty goodness brightens my morning with each savory buttery crackling bite topped off with sweet syrup.  And you're so easy to make! Never again will I stoop so low to buy a boxed mix.

Do you, dear readers, have tricks for waffle-making?  Cough it up, it's time to share.  Here's what I do:

• 3/4 cup all-purpose flour (spooned and leveled)
• 1/4 cup whole wheat flour, or spelt flour for a nuttier taste
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup low-fat buttermilk
• 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
• 1 large egg

1) Mix flours, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.  Set aside.

2) Crack egg into separate mixing bowl.  Slightly beat, then drizzle in melted butter while beating, until mixed. Then add buttermilk.

3) Pour liquid mixture into dry, and fold in using a spatula (lightly sprayed with cooking spray, so batter doesn't stick).  Gently mix until moist, but still retaining some lumps of dry batter. This won't take longer than a minute or two.  The less you mix, the better.

4) Let stand about 5 minutes.

5) Plug in waffle iron while batter stands.  Turn up the heat, hotter is better.  Grease with butter flavored spray.

6) Batter should have slightly puffed up and thickened.  Batter should NOT be runny; that's pancake batter.  Ladle waffle mix onto griddle, leaving space at the edges.  No need to over-ladle in mix, and spill excess batter.

7) Leave iron closed for several minutes.  The myth is that once the waffle iron ceases steaming, it's finished, but I find that it needs an extra few minutes to properly crisp.

8) What did I just say about opening the waffle iron? Don't touch it.  I know you want to peek in and look.  But once you open the waffle iron, it's time to take it out, no more proper cooking will happen.  If you want to cook it more, put it in your toaster.

Optional: you can add extra ingredients to the batter, i.e. powdered hot chocolate mix. Compensate for the reduced rise in the batter: separate the egg whites and beat until soft peaks (NOT stiff peaks, this is not a meringue), and then fold into batter when you add wet ingredients, to give a little extra rise to the waffle.