How was your day, Dan?

Setting: T.L. is watching puppies while I am away.  As such, he is using my car.

Problem: My car needs the alignment fixed.

Conundrum: Phone is malfunctioning, I can't call him; I need to send him a text message with instructions on what to do.

Challenge: Sending a text message to T.L. with the phone number of the garage and instructions to ask for alignment, including instructions on how to pronounce "alignment."  Typing in phonetics doesn't work too well.

FORT LAUDERDALE AIRPORT

Dear Fort Lauderdale Airport administration,

I would just like you to know your security area reeks of exhaled breath, and feet.

Disgusting.

Sincerely,

Dan Renzi
airline passenger who will use the Miami Int'l clusterfuck from now on, it's still better than this

P.S. Broadcast over the loudspeakers: "Will the skycap who left a passenger in a wheelchair at the security checkpoint, please come back and get him? Thank you." 

PUPPY

This is the other puppy.  I could never take his photo because he only sits still when he is sleeping.  And today, he chose to sleep right here:

Miraculously, I am still capable of getting work done, save an occasional break to rub the furry warm belly that is staring me in the face.

LONELY

Yesterday most of our staff moved to new offices; but as I'm not ready to pack up my desk, I stayed put for just a few more days.  So I'm here by myself.

Most days, I want people to just go away and leave me alone.  Today, I'm dying for someone to walk by.

This is the loneliest place I have ever been.  White walls, fluorescent lighting, the cavernous echo of the empty hall...even my puppies are sleeping, they're not distracting me in the slightest.

I turned on internet radio, just to keep me company, but Lady Gaga isn't much of a friend if she's not actually in the room.  Her songs do nothing to fill the void in my soul today.

Did you know I put a post-it note on my wall reminding me to write a story three weeks ago?  I never wrote the story.  I just noticed the post-it now.  I noticed it because I have nothing else to look at.

Someone, please come sit with me and keep me company.  You can hold a sleeping puppy, their bellies are nice and warm.

ATLANTIC CITY

I'm sitting at my desk.  There is a puppy wandering around, undoubtedly gnawing on electrical wires, an activity that will result in the death of both my computer and aforementioned puppy.  He was previously sleeping in a corner, until I shifted my feet; I accidentally poked him with the toe of my shoe, and he interpreted the move as a physical challenge to his mightiness.  He attacked in retaliation.  So now my shoes have been violently untied, my feet utterly defeated in the battle.

Guess who is going to New Jersey?

(Dan raises hand energetically)

I am leaving the 78 degree balminess of my South Florida home and flying north, via the luxurious Spirit Airlines, to Atlantic City for their "Miss'd America" drag beauty pageant.  The forecast: 34 degrees, for a high temperature.  I don't even have a coat, I left them all at my mother's house in Kansas City. 

Atlantic City is pretty cool.  I do enjoy the casino vibe, like you can wear gold lamé and no one will question your motives.  And for a drag beauty pageant, that would even be considered a good idea.

What is there to do in Atlantic City, besides lose money in a casino, eat at a hotel buffet, and watch drag queens fight it out for the crown?

PUPPIES

Oh dear.

 

Being a puppy is so difficult.

 

It's hard to stay awake for longer than 20 minutes.

STEROIDS

Topic: Ronnie looked significantly heavier than normal on the "Jersey Shore" reunion.

Hypothesis: Due to his trial for his assault seen on the final episode of the season, Ronnie had to stop taking steroids so his court-ordered drug test would come back clean.  Typical of post-steroid detox, his body mass turned to fat.

Discuss.

WHY THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER

1) I spent the afternoon in traffic court today.  Months ago—MONTHS, like 5 months—I got a ticket for parking by a "No Parking" sign, which had been put up just for that one day while the city trimmed the trees.  Problem: I didn't see the sign, because it was hidden by the overgrown trees.

So I requested a court date.  My friend J went to the site of the incident and took photos, we wrote a detailed explanation, and I watched "Law and Order" for hours to prepare myself for my chance at the podium.  I was ready.

But then the court date was postponed, and postponed again.    It was so long ago, we couldn't even find the photos.  So I beefed up my speech to paint a picture of the unjust scene.

And it was so long ago, the parking enforcement officer could not possibly have remembered what happened with my specific ticket, either.  I point you to the transcript of my case:

Judge: I will now hear testimony.
Officer: Blah blah blah.
Me: That's not what happened!
Officer: (looks at notes) Oh that's right, that's a different case.
Judge: Case dismissed.
(pause)
Me: But I had a whole speech planned.
Judge: You should leave now while you're ahead.
(insert sound of Dan walking out of courtroom)

Justice is served!

So now, with my $28 safe from the clutches of our government, what shall I do with the money??

Options:

1) Spend all the money on candy.
2) Donate to the American Red Cross for Haiti again.
3) Find an additional $2.80 and buy these underwear, which is seriously the best brand of skivvies ever created. (They rarely sell them in the US, they're a European thing)
4) Save the money for my trip to Atlantic City next week, for the Miss'd America pageant, and bet all the money on the roulette table
5) Save the money for my trip to Atlantic City next week, and use it to rent a car and drive around and track down the cast of Jersey Shore (GTL baby!)
6) Buy myself one of these pillows, with a "d"

~~~

The other reason this is the best day ever:

I got some more foster puppies.

Photos shall be published soon.

THOUGHTS ON THE GOLDEN GLOBES

"Avatar" is a brilliant movie, it is visually stunning; and James Cameron certainly deserved to win for Best Director.  But it was not the "best" movie of the year.

Sandra Bullock winning for "The Blind Side" is like Marisa Tomei winning the Oscar for "My Cousin Vinny."

"Modern Family" is a much better show than "Glee."

Jeff Bridges creeps me out.  He moves his tongue weird when he talks, I can't get over it.  When I rented "Iron Man," I fast-forwarded through scenes where he talked more than a few words.

I'm glad Hollywood Foreign Press is finally starting to get on my "Drew Barrymore is a great actress" bandwagon.  She is amazing!  People don't notice how good she is when she is eclipsed by her chubby cheeks and big smile.  Although Jessica Lange usually gets more respect, I actually thought Drew gave the better performance in "Grey Gardens."

Mo'Nique is going to sweep all the awards for the rest of the season, deservedly so.

Chrisoph Waltz is going to sweep all the awards for the rest of the season, deservedly so.

Penelope Cruz is the hottest thing on high heels.

HAITI PT II

If you want to give to Haiti, give to an organization that can actually get workers and supplies to Port Au Prince.

American Red Cross


Clinton Bush Haiti Fund


Yele (by Wyclef Jean)


Anything you give to your church, while well-intentioned, probably will sit in a storage room for too long to make any difference, before it actually gets to people who need supplies.