My twenty-something "Rockin the Suburbs" brother is back.
So "Project Runway" is back. I thought it was over because it wasn't on TV for a while, but then I was like whoa, it just moved from Bravo to Lifetime. So I guess instead of being a show for gay guys, now it's for girls. And now it's in LA, but they film the whole show inside so it doesn't matter.
So the show starts like normal, all the designers are walking down the street to the apartments, and they're introducing themselves, blah blah blah. Like there's this black guy Ra'mon, and he's all, Hey, I'm Ra'mon, I am a designer because I was in med school but then one day I realized med school sucks so now I'm doing this, and there's this guy Logan who is really tall and he's like I'm just in this for the hot chicks and there's this guy Malvin who looks like that guy who won, Christian, with his fucked up hair and he weighs about 20 pounds, and he's like My clothes are so amazing, they are a gift to the universe, anyone can wear them because I don't design clothes just for men or for women, I don't restrict people to genders! and, uh, I'm not sure what that means?...whatever. If Malvin ever says "fierce" or "tranny" I'm gonna put my foot through my TV. And there's this lady Qristyl who is all Hey boo, check me out! I am gonna win this shit! and she seems nice and she laughs a lot. Then there's this hot girl Althea, and it's like DAMN, hello, thank you Lifetime TV, can she be one of the models? So at least I have someone to watch. I hope she makes it for a while.
So they're all in their apartments, they're all just talking like Hey what's up and Where you from? and this kid Christopher is like I'm from Minnesota! and everyone is like Good for you, stop smiling so much and then this guy Johnny sits down, he's from L.A., and he's all Hey, anyone ever try out for the show before? I did but they wouldn't cast me because I'm a meth addict! and everyone is like WTF? and they're like, Hey dude, could we maybe learn your last name before you start telling us your business? and his face is still a little twitchy so you know he's going to be fucked up.
But my favorite is this guy Epperson, and he's older than everyone in the cast, and he's really really tall and skinny and he wears a lot of black, and he kinda just stares at everyone and talks really quiet and slow. And sometimes he doesn't blink for a while. Seriously, watch him, and sometimes he blinks, but sometimes he doesn't, like he just forgets that mortals are supposed to blink regularly. I'm pretty sure he's the Grim Reaper. Like under all those baggy clothes he's hiding a big nasty sickle he's going to start swinging around. And he doesn't say much, he just stares at everyone like You stupid children, I am going to harvest your souls ha ha haaaa. I hope The Reaper wins, he's already cool and it's just the first episode.
So they get these messages that they have to go to the roof to meet Heidi and Tim Gunn, and they get up there and Heidi is like Hello and welcome to Project Runway! I hope you enjoy the California sun! But you will never see sun again because you will trapped inside forever! Get to work! and Tim is like Hello my little angels, are you ready to get started? Let's take a field trip! and they go to the stage where the Emmys are going to happen. And he tells them they have to design a dress for an awards show that will look good on the red carpet. And Malvin gets all shitty and is like I don't pay attention to the color of carpets, I am far too busy feeling superior, this challenge is stupid and Johnny is like I am already so stressed out, man, I need a hit, why the fuck am I on this show?
So they all go back to the studio and draw their ideas, except this chick Ari is bouncing around the room, and she's all I don't know how to draw! I just make it up as I go! and she says I need to meditate! and she goes and does a handstand against the wall?.. And everyone is all Whaaaaat? and then they're all like Well, now we know who is going home this week. And you know she's going home. They give her lots of air time, that's always what they do.
So they go to that fabric store, and Qristyl—fuck this, I am already tired of typing her complicated name—she's RUNNING around with fabric all over the place like OH MY GOD GET OUT OF MY WAY and Tim is like Simmer down, woman, it's just a dress and they all go back and start to sew.
Then the show is pretty normal for a while. Everyone is making their stuff, like this guy Mitchell is making a dress that looks like a librarian with a big itchy thing around the neck, and Hot Althea is making a dress with a bunch of frilly fancy-girl stuff on it, and Tim is walking around looking at the dresses like These dresses are ass but he doesn't say that. And that crackish guy Johnny? He freaks out, and starts to cry! Dude. And he's all I can't handle the pressure, I need to call my sponsor! and Tim comes over and is like Do I look like a guy who can handle meltdowns? I starch my underwear! I am way too uptight for this! Just cry and get it over with. And then Johnny pulls his shit together and goes to sew again.
So they keep sewing, and Tim goes to the handstand girl and is like What the hell are you making? because she's sewing a bunch of big silver pieces that look like the patches on a soccer ball. And Tim is like Is this even a dress? and she's like I dunno yet and Tim is like It wa nice having you on the show, crazy and walks away. And then the models come in for a fitting—but the kid Mitchell is like WTF? because I guess all the measurements on the model's card are totally skinnier than what she is in real life. So he's like Uh, hey fatty, thanks for ruining my awesome librarian dress, it doesn't fit around your fat ass! and the model is just standing there like whatever and he has to rip it apart and start over. But he keeps the weird itchy neck, I don't know why he think it looks good because it doesn't.
So they finish sewing, and Tim comes in and is like Alright my little cupcakes! Gather up your things, it's time to start the show! and Mitchell is like Fuck this! and he takes a bunch of brown fabric and throws it over his model and cuts a hole in the middle for her head, and he sews it to the bottom of that stupid neck thing. And she looks like she has a giant brown sheet over her just hanging there. And he's all I am so screwed, dude and he would be, but you know the crazy handstand silver soccer ball lady is going home so it doesn't matter.
So they go to the Runway, and Heidi says We have a special guest judge! and out walks Lindsay Lohan, and she is a judge because she is starting her own line of clothes, I guess? And she looks pretty hot, and Ra'mon is like OMG I love you! and Johnny is like Hey, Lindsay, I haven't seen you at the N.A. meetings in a while, where you been? but Lindsay just says Hey and they start the show.
So the dresses are fine, like Malvin's is just grey, no big deal, and Ra'mon's is blue and it's okay, and The Reaper makes this huge red dress with this big scarf around the neck, because apparently his awards show will be happening someplace cold I guess. And Christopher the Minnesota kid makes this black dress that is made out of something weird, I don't know, but it's really stiff. And that is the only dress that is different, so it's going to win. Then Mitchell's brown sheet looks like crap, but the crazy handstand lady's outfit looks just as stupid on the model as it did when she was making it. See ya.
So the judges don't say much this time, they're just chill, that sucks. Like Heidi didn't yell at anybody, and I was waiting for Michael Kors to tell one of the models she has a crazy vagina or whatever he usually says. Anyway—so they call the three best, and it's Ra'mon and his blue dress, and Christopher and his black crinkly dress, and then that crazy crackish Johnny, he made a red dress that was actually alright. I don't know what the fuck his problem was, he can sew fine. Then the three worst are Mitchell with his brown sheet, and the crazy handstand girl, and then Qristyl because her dress is purple and green and it sucks.
So surprise surprise, Christopher wins, and he cries like he's so shocked. But he seems like he's alright. Then Qristyl's dress is terrible but it's still better than handstand girl's silver soccer ball dress, and it's better than Mitchell's brown sheet, so she barely makes it. And then the judges are like This was your freebie Mitchell, and he's like Whoa and he's safe. And they look at the handstand girl, and Lindsay Lohan is like You look exactly like Samantha Ronson so I wanted you to do better, but that thing you made is stupid, never be a fashion designer again and the girl is like Peace out and they kick her out on her ass. She doesn't care.