MY EXES

Let's take a walk down memory lane, and re-visit some of the gentleman suitors I have had the pleasure of dating in the past few years.

Hmm. Where to begin...there was:

1) Text Message Guy: I dated TMT for about 2 months, on-and-off. He was from Guatemala, or...Venezuela?...Nicaragua maybe. Some country where they speak Spanish, I don't remember. Whatever it was, his English was piece-mealed together when he spoke, so when using the phone he communicated only via text message, which allowed him time to think of the correct words to use, and he didn't need to worry about the proper pronounciation. It's a common occurrence in Miami, text messages make the language barrier easier. But he text-messaged everything--EVERYTHING--including the day I got the message of: "I cannot see you today. I am sorry. My boyfriend is coming over. Can I see you tomorrow?"

2) Sweaty Guy: Sweaty guy and I hung out for several weeks, after being introduced by a mutual friend. He was very sweet, a big lumbering hulk of a man, with a very gentle soul; very sweet, quiet, kind, and he had big brown eyes with long eyelashes akin to the sweetest puppy. But when he got you into bed, watch out--he became a screaming, thrashing lunatic, who punctuated every breath with the scream of "Oi!" "Oi!" "Oi!" I'm not sure where he was from, again it was somewhere that they espeak Espanish, but I presume "Oi!" means something there. But the minute the clothes came off, he became drenched in sweat--huge puddle of sweat that formed in every crevice of his body, and flowed off him like rivers. And there was that one drop of sweat, that one huge glistening drop of sweat that would form on the tip of his nose and hang there, undulating round and round as he would twitch and lunge around the bed. That drop of sweat haunted me. I would fixate upon it, the "Oi! Oi!" yelling becoming a distant echo, as I dreaded the moment when the sweat drop would dislodge from the point of his nose and inevitably fall onto my body. And I would watch it in slow motion, the space-time continuum crawling almost to a stand-still, yet I could do nothing to stop its descent, after which it would collide with my body, spreading microscopic spraylets of epidermal excrement across my defenseless skin.

He was nice and all, but it was like having sex with a Slip 'N Slide. No thanks.

3) This guy. It's not even funny. What an ass.

4) Spitty Guy: This guy had so much spit, if he was angled even slightly over me when I kissed him, I could feel it running into my mouth. I became exhausted from constantly dancing around, trying to position my head above his while he came at me for a smooch. The thought still makes me gag.

5) The Married Guy: I talked about this guy already, ad nauseum. The last I heard from him was an email on Christmas: "I just wanted to wish you Happy Holidays, and best of luck in the New Year. Thinking of you." I replied: "Best of luck to you too. I hope you got lots of good presents for your wife and kids, they deserve it." I haven't heard from him since.

6) Cokehead Guy: This guy could only, ahem, perform if he did a bump or two of coke. I didn't know this for a little while, I just thought he was really excited to have sex with me. Little did I know.

7) Addicted-To-His-Best-Friend Guy: Every time I went out with this guy, he brought along his best girlfriend. They spent the entire evening talking about subjects I knew nothing about--their friends, their co-workers, their gossip. I shouldn't say I "dated" this guy, we went out only a few times, never even got to second base. Too bad, he was cute.

(pause to think)

There have been others, but they were all normal. I'll add some later if I think of more.

Comments

[mel]

whats 2nd base to gay men & is it over or under your shirt. HEH.

[Glenn C]

Dan, do you know why these duys didn't work out? These men weren't me. We are destined to be together. I am smart, funny, handsome, and own my own business. And I post of reality TV star blogs. What more could you ask for?

[meg]

WOW!
I can definitely say those top the cake of any of the gay jerks my guys have dated.

We, as your loyal blog readers, must find you the perfect man!

[Liz]

Click my link and read about how I think I'm celibate for now.

[Oscar]

What about the Jamaican guy?

[Chris]

What about your ex from the RW Miami, Jonny.

[dan renzi]

The Jamaican and I were not dating.

We were engaging in the sexual version of eating delicious chocolate cake. So delicious, not good for you in big quantities, entirely empty calories.

[Glenn C]

I agree Dan shouldn't include tricks as relationships. If Dan included every married guy or bicurious frat boi he gave a hand job too this last entry would go on for days. I am just messing with you Dan. I love you and hope you can take a joke.

[anonymous in nyc]

Ugh I think we all dated "addicted to his best friend guy". My ex dated his best friend who was a female and then came out... She always had to come along or we'd have dinner with her. I hated her. The only time she wasnt around was in the bedroom.

[David]

Yup.

[Mariana]

I always return hoping for closure on AG. How about him in the lineup?

[bostonteeth]

In a way I am sure there is plenty of great guys out there, your great narrative makes them come to life in a fantastic and entertaining way. It is good to recount to know were we stand in our own heads. Besides that having such a short list speaks volumes about you dear.
Keep the good work. I suspect (in fact I am sure) many a great guy misses you out there.

[anonymous in nyc]

How about "I only go to a restaurant 1x guy!" Ugh... Drove me nuts.

[magickat]

I think The Married Guy and Sweaty Guy are equally as gross. I know that's terrible but I'm sorry, I just 'think' Sweaty Guy and I start getting ill.

[robbo]

I dated a "spitty guy" once too. I really liked him but it really gross making out with him.