How was your day, Dan?

MINNEAPOLIS

What's happening on a Saturday night in Minneapolis? I'll be there in a few weeks.

And I need to find a good hotel. Hmm.

BARACK OBAMA

Here's the deal with Ted Kennedy's endorsement of Barack Obama.

--If the election is Hillary Clinton vs. Mitt Romney, Hillary will probably win.

--If the election is Hillary Clinton vs. John McCain, then John McCain certainly could win.

BUT

--if the election is John McCain vs. Barack Obama, it's a fair fight. McCain still might win, but Obama can definitely beat him.

The only candidate the Democrats have to worry about is McCain; no matter who wins the Democratic primary, s/he will beat Romney. So that doesn't matter. Romney is not going to be President. And the rest...are dead in the water. Bye, Giuliani.

So now, the Democrats have to prepare for their one big threat--and the only person who can take on McCain, should he win the nomination, is Barack Obama. Therefore, they are just getting him ready.

Okay, I'm watching the State Of The Union, and George Bush is wearing so much makeup.

They just showed Laura Bush--who is my absolute favorite person in our government right now--and my friend screamed. "Oh my God, there's Laura," he says. "The only thing she has done in the past 8 years since her husband has been in office is get a face lift."

Everyone is clapping, looking so happy and enthusiastic. And Hillary is just sitting there, calmly glaring straight ahead, wearing her bright red dress. She looks like the lady in Sixth Sense who goes to her own daughter's funeral in a red dress, and is later found out to have poisoned the kid to death. I love Hillary. She would scare the hell out of me if we were ever in the same room together, but that's part of the charm.

George just warned against "false populism in our country." Do you think he knows what "false populism" means? Methinks not.

Anyway--

People are weary of the Clinton/Bush/Bush/Clinton dynasty, they want change. And the days of Evangelical Republican control is over, thank God, so everyone is rushing to the middle. McCain is more legitimately moderate than Hillary. Plus he's more likeable, to be honest.

I like Barack too. Although I think he's a little green around the gills. He's not very tough yet. But maybe he can get there. And he's a good speaker, but sometimes his beautifully-phrased words don't really say that much.

DEAR GORGEOUS,

I was going to write this letter about how said I was you ran away.

But just as I sat down to start typing, you came back.

When I came back inside from cleaning your litter box, and discovered you had pushed the door open to make a quick escape, I cannot describe the guilt I felt about letting you get out. You are a lovely cat, G, but you are a complete coward, we must admit. You are clumsy, lazy, whiny, and you cannot even comprehend the act of swatting at a kitty toy, let alone another menacing animal in your path. All that time I spend petting you while you sit in my lap has made you even softer, too.

Now look, G. I understand you were once stray. But you cannot--CANNOT--ever go outside again. If you do, I will not spend hours walking around the block, shaking your food bag, in the hopes you will come running. I will just lock the door and move on. And with all the mean cats in my neighborhood, you may not make it back to my door. I'm just sayin'.

I'm very happy you're back.

Love,
D

PS: God help you if you are pregnant. We are going to the vet on my next day off and having your ovaries removed, missy.

THE MOMENT OF TRUTH

So let's talk about The Moment Of Truth. I hope you saw it.

Contestants are asked 50 questions, with their answers measured by a lie detector machine. Of those 50 questions, 21 are then chosen to be re-asked while the contestant is on the air. If all 21 questions are answered truthfully, s/he gets $500,000 or something. Seems simple enough.

People are criticizing the show for being vile--forcing married men to admit they've come on to other women, or checked out other guys in the gym shower--so yes, of course, the questions are hideous and violating. But there are no surprises; the contestant was already asked everything, so s/he is only repeating an answer already given. And if they know they lied the first go-round, they are allowed to change their answer while on the air. But sometimes there are things you can't even admit to yourself...you may not think you touch your female clients inappropriately, Mr. Physical Trainer, so if asked you're likely to say "no." But subconsciously you most certainly enjoy it. And that's probably why your repeat clients keep coming back.

But seriously--why would you go on the show if you obviously have a toupee'? Second--why would you go on the show if there is any member of your family who is still alive? Not to mention if you're married. Of COURSE the personal trainer guy touches his female clients inappropriately once in a while. Have fun putting your marriage back together, Greedy.

I understand the temptation to go on TV, and the willingness to do stupid things that you wouldn't normally do except in the presence of a TV camera. But please.

So basically, the show is just a parade of people ruining their lives on a biblical scale. But it's not the show's fault; if they want to ruin their lives for a little bit of money, and they're not smart enough to win it on Wheel Of Fortune, then...well, they're obviously not that smart anyway. Serves them right.

I love the show. It's the sadist in me, I guess.

MR. PINKY

Am I the only one who finds this creepy? Look what Mr. Pinky likes to do:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/01/22/back.scratch.irpt/index.html

Why does she need to demonstrate it while wearing her robe?

I just get the feeling that she's going to break out the jar of peanut butter next. And we'll be getting a shot of ol' Mr. Pinky, indeed.

Gross.

WHY I LOVED THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATE

Normally I don't watch the Democratic debates, as I don't learn much--the major details I already know, and the minor details I just don't care about at this point and think they're more of a distraction than anything. However------I accidentally stumbled in front of a TV last night broadcasting the debates, and caught a bit.

1) At one point John Edwards asked if everyone was aware that "there are three people in this debate, not two?" No, not really, Eddie. Asking the question means you already know the answer, and it's not good. That's the political equivalent of asking "Was it good for you?" I think John Edwards has had his thunder stolen; I always adored him after he appeared in a photo spread in Vanity Fair, as any candidate with that much panache' is the candidate for me. But next to Hills and the Obamarama, he just can't hang. Buh-bye.

2) Someone please find a screen capture of the looks Hillary was shooting Barack, with the pursed lips, while she was calling him a slumlord. SO GENIUS. Not that he cared. He has Oprah money, he's not scared of anything.

Speaking of--

3) With all that money that he's got, Barack Obama should be able to afford a better suit. He looks like he's wearing the same suit I wore to my high school Homecoming dance. Bought straight off the rack at Marshall's, fits in the shoulders but way too much fabric in the body. Get a tailor, man. Ask John Edwards, that pretty-boy undoubtedly has the hookup for all that.

I don't know how to work the call waiting on my cell--sad but true, I have no idea--so I have to let all secondary calls go through. And the call-waiting beep blows up my earpiece. I could hit "ignore" but it's just too much trouble.

Conversely, my mother knows the exact moment I start a phone conversation, and picks that moment to call. The Federal Government only wishes it had the omnipotent clariaudience of my mother, who is able to know the exact moment her son 1,500 miles away has started a phone interview/call to the DMV/other conversation that cannot be halted. But she must share the latest story about my brother's kids, who have once again said the darndest thing. And she calls repeatedly.

First call: Ring, ring, ring. No answer. He would never let my call go to voicemail on purpose. He just didn't hear the phone ring. This must mean the call didn't go through. Must call again. Beep. Beep.

Call #2: Ring, ring, ring. No answer. Hmm. Leave message. This makes phone beep with "message waiting" signal.

Wait 10 seconds. Remember funny story about brother's 2-year-old daughter intended for original phone message, that MUST be told immediately. Call again. Beep. Beep.

Call #3: Ring, ring, ring. No answer. Don't leave message; will relay this story when Dan calls back.

Wait 5 minutes.

Why isn't Dan calling back?

Call again. Beep. Beep.

Call #4: Ring, ring, ring.No answer. Don't leave message, there's just no point as Dan clearly isn't going to call back and is utterly ungrateful. Breathe exasperatedly as hanging up phone, which picks up on the voice mail and therefore inspire the "message waiting" signal. Again.

Call #5: Call Dan's ex-boyfriend, looking for Dan. "Have you seen Dan? He isn't returning my calls. You always answer the phone, you're so much nicer than he is. You answer the phone when I calll. I'm sure the two of you will get back together soon. When are you coming to visit again?"

BUSY DAY!

Things to do today:

1) Call Miami Gay Lesbian Film Fest and get more movies to screen. Watching terrible movies and rejecting them = loads of fun.

2) Bring clothes to the laundry! Jeez.

3) Go buy wine.

4) Go buy milk, cereal, tortillas, salsa.

5) Check DVD player. If the magic faries haven't floated through the walls and miraculously fixed it, and it's still broken, go buy a new one. Perhaps at Target. In fact--

6) While at Target, buy an ironing board that's not one of those pointless table-top mini boards, and some spray starch. And a new laundry basket, since you smashed the old one by accident. Oops.

7) Oh yeah and get some wine glasses. Thank God for Target.

8) Pick up clothes from the dry cleaners.

TIMES CHANGE

The facts you need to know for this conversation:

1) My ex and I dated for about 2 years, living with each other for part of it--in this tiny, dirty apartment that used to be a garage. It was all a wild, tumultuous affair, the kind of relationship you have in your 20's when you're still resilient enough to deal with crappy apartments and lots of drama. We never really "broke up," we just...moved on, remained friends, no big finale. We still talk often. "Remaining friends" is something that the gays do very well.

2) He has been dating a lovely young thing, who is also a very tall drink of water--we lovingly refer to him as "The Pig," as he is a pretty big guy. The Pig is actually really cute, which allows us to get away with giving him that name. He's in some sort of medical-related college program, I forget what.

3) We have a friend, who we call The Hen, who is in the show The Tudors--hot, hot, hot straight guy, and why he has that nickname is a long story. He films over in Europe somewhere, and then comes back to LA to hang out, and sleeps on my ex's couch. And he walks around naked, which is great because he has a ginormous endowment that swings around like an elephant trunk.

It's ridiculous that we give people these animal names. But they're the only two.

Okay that's it. Picking up in the middle of our conversation last night:

~~~

Have you seen The Hen lately?

"He was just here last month. Sleeping on my couch again."

Does he still walk around naked?

"Not really."

Well then what's the point of that?

"I'm sure he does, I just don't see him do it."

How can you not see him in that tiny apartment?

(pause)

"You know I don't live in that place anymore, right?"

No, I didn't.

"I moved."

Oh okay, to where?

"A house down the street. It's got a washer and dryer, and a yard, the whole thing."

That sounds nice.

"I figured it was time to move into someplace more grown-up."

Oh.

(slight pause)

How's The Pig?

"He's good. He's finishing his residency."

How long have you been together now?

"Two years."

Long time.

"That seems to be my limit with people."

Uh-oh.

"But it's the perfect situation...he does his thing, I do my thing, we see each other, it's great. So we'll see."

Does he stay with you in your new place a lot?

(pause)

"We live together."

(pause)

Since when?

"Several months now."

Really?

"Mmm-hmmm."

I didn't know that.

"Yeah...he moved in with me when we got the new place."

(we?)

Oh okay. (said way too fake-cheerfully)

"Yeah."

You're all grown-up.

"Not really."

A little. Times change.

"Yes they do."

Yes they do.

DEAR NBC

I would just like to thank you for bringing back American Gladiators.

Back in the heady pubescent days of the early 90's, I watched the first run of Gladiators religiously. I knew all their names, I knew who was good at which events; Lazer was my favorite, as he could kick your butt but he was always a gentleman about it. Although the spandex was a big part of the equation.

I would go to the park down the street and run the fitness course, complete with monkey bars and balance beams and such, and I would run it over and over, and practice for the day I got to try The Eliminator. Too bad the trail didn't have rotating padded cylinders you had to run across, that was always the part that messed everyone up. But I knew I could get across them without falling. It all looked like so much fun. Although the spandex was also part of the equation.

I had campaigned MTV for years to hold a Real World/Road Rules Challenge in the style of American Gladiators; they threw in a few events here and there, with pugil sticks and powerball courts, but we never got to do the real thing. But now the show is back, steroids and all, allowing us once again watch a big slab of manly-man hold a mini-cannon right in front of his groin and shoot balls at his enemy. My dream of being a contestant lives on. Someday, someday.

And thank you for the Spandex.

Sincerely,

Dan