THE JAMAICAN

(ring)

Hello?

"Hey it's me."

Why are you calling me at 4 in the morning?

"What are you doing?"

Sleeping.

"Oh sorry."

(pause)

So what's up?

"Do you miss me?"

Not right now, no.

"I'm in Miami Beach."

Okay.

"Do you want me to come over?"

No.

"Why not?"

Because I'm in bed.

"I could get into bed with you."

You could, but then you hog the sheets and I hate that.

"I want to see you."

Not tonight.

"Don't say that."

(pause)

"Will you wait up for me?"

What do you mean?

"If I come over in a little while?"

No, it's 4 in the morning, you woke me up.

"You wouldn't have picked up the phone if you didn't want to see me."

No, I picked up the phone because I have to pick up the phone, I have too many messages in my voicemail, I can't listen to them.

"I'll be there in a little while, I got to do something first."

What else could you possibly do at 4 in the morning?

"I have to go somewhere first."

To your girlfriend's house?

"No, we live together now."

(pause)

What?

"We been living together."

For how long?

"A few months."

So you've been going out with me and then GOING HOME to her.

"Sorta."

When you say 'sorta,' do you mean you sorta go home? Like, you go home, but you don't actually walk in the door? You just stand there on the porch?

"Huh?"

Never mind.

"Why can't I come see you?"

Well, there are now several more reasons why you can't.

"Don't say that."

I didn't "say" anything. You said "I live with my girlfriend."

"Are you mad?"

Are you asking if I'm mad at you because you're cheating on your girlfriend, or am I mad because I'm jealous that you live with her?

(pause)

"Both."

Oh please.

"What?"

This just became very easy. No, you can't come over.

"I'm coming over."

I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

"I'm coming over and knocking on your door until you answer."

You better not, you'll wake up the old Jewish lady below me and whenever she sees black people in the building she calls the cops.

"Then you better let me in."

No. I'm hanging up.

"Don't."

It is 4 in the morning, and I am going back to bed. And you should go home to your girlfriend.

"I don't want to go home to her, I want to be in bed with you."

No you don't.

"Yes I do."

Well, I don't want you in my bed.

"Why not?

Because you cheat.

(pause)

"So?"

Goodnight.

(click)

Comments

[Stephen]

Hugs

[CJ]

This was pretty obvious from the beginning.

4am booty calls are a little late - even on the weekend.

It reflects poorly on you.

[Kryss]

I literally applauded both to the finale and to the clarification on how he "sorta" goes home.

Good for you, babes!!!

[Liz]

He's a gross person. But you already know this. Love you Dan!

[Leo]

Hey, as much as I love the talk and your answers, I think you let it go on for more than it should... What a boring person! Can I call him and tell him he is boring? =P

[Jen]

I sorta get the same thing online from some guy I dated for like a second! He is hot, but he dates trannies! Now i have nothing against that, but I tried to tell him that makes me sorta gay, but he won't listen! Once you date a trannie I don't think I have anything he wants! LOL
So I put him on ignore! Anyone want his username? LOL

[Jen]

I mean HIM sorta gay, not me! I like dick just like he does! LOL

[Carlos]

Good for you.

[willam]

you obviously are just afraid of adapting to a mistress-type of lifestyle. Maribu-ed robes, bon-bon's and General Hospital await. EMBRACE IT and just cook your man some jerk chicken.

[David]

GOOD FOR YOU!! I'm so proud of you right now. He is nothing but trouble.

[Emily]

Omg what a creepo. Thank God you ended that you deserve a lot more than a cheater.

[erik]

did he knock on the door? i'm glad you're done with him.

[Janie Beaux Banie]

Oh creepy. Glad you stood your ground.

[Erica]

Oh Dan... I'm sorry he turned out not only to be a total cheater, but a stupid one at that.

I gotta know... did he knock? You wake up much more lucid than I do - I wouldn't have been that quick in responses; I would have just gone all construction worker in my language on his ass AND I would threaten to tell the girlfriend.

[maggie]

When you write "The Jamaican" I always think of The Haitian from Heroes.

[leah]

Yay for you!
Also, I would like to add that I do not think that this reflects poorly of you. I am glad you dumped him!

XO

[MissThang]

AHEM - told you so.

outrage. this came out of nowhere.

...not

keep doing the same situation/guy/fill-in-the blank you will predictably get the same result.

[jeremy]

whatever. i say fuck him. do it.

[Jenna]

YAY! It's about damn time!

Good for you Dan!

[Stephen]

Not to be rude, but when did you start caring? A few blog posts ago you were talking about how you know he's cheating, how he's standing outside your door talking to her and you just.. don't care.

When did the flip happen? What caused it? Why was what you knew and accepted before suddenly a hinderance in you being with him?

[bigpikchur]

Oooh Dan, I didn't expect that! Especially based on that description you had up of watching him shower. I hope you find one just like him; except single and not a cheater... and may he have a brother who is straight and can keep me busy. :)
Jules

[Jeff]

I think many gay men are twiddling through their heads trying to remember the time this incident has happened to them.

[magickat]

I had several one reactions in my head after reading this. In no particular order:

Ugh
Gross
Damn
Asshole
Figures
and
Oy (that was for the Jewish lady)

[magickat]

To clarify - none of those words were meant towards you! They were all directed at The Jamaican.

Except for Oy.