How was your day, Dan?

THE BAD MEN UNDER THE BRIDGE

There is this rule in Dade County (which includes all of Miami) that prevents any registered sex offender from living within 2,500 feet of an establishment where children congregate. This means one-half of a mile from schools, community centers, churches/synagogues, what have you, is off limits--and with the number of schools and community centers in this area, it basically makes the entire county uninhabitable for sex offenders. They must move elsewhere. This was the point of the law.

However--when criminals are on parole, they must reside in the county. So where do the people go?

There is a bridge--a highway overpass that connects Miami Beach island to the mainland-- that is not within the 2,500-feet mark. So the county has designated that as the place where they are allowed to sleep at night. Seriously. Every night at 10 PM, about 30 guys are under the bridge, with their sleeping bags, sleeping for the night. And a parole officer checks on them through the night, counting heads to make sure they're all there.

I've heard about this sex offender camp, but I never saw any evidence; until a few nights ago, when I happened to be driving across the bridge at about 10 PM, and there they were...a big group of cars, with families carrying coolers and pillows, going to set up camp for whoever it was that has to stay there.

You can read the story here. It's a bit melodramatic and weepy, but it poses some interesting points in...well, just read it, I'm not going to get into it here.

It's hard to wrap one's brain around--the government making these people sleep under a highway bridge every night, rain or shine. Please understand I don't have much sympathy for the rapists or the child molesters of the world; and I don't think the sex offender registry is a bad idea. Molesting a child is not an act of random violence; it's a sexual orientation, these people are wired to be attracted to children, and nothing will "cure" it.

Still, witnessing first-hand the depravity of the situation...these guys, with their wives and their kids, trudging along the path and climbing up under the bridge...it was just awful. The fact that they're bringing their kids to a sex offender camp doesn't even factor into the equation; there are cops around, nothing is going to happen. It's just sad to see everyone living this situation as a part of their daily lives.

It wasn't that I felt like they were being mistreated; I was just upset that it had to happen at all. That life really could be that bad.

WORK

I have this job, which I never talk about here. I have no desire for someone I work with to read it, recognize some piece of information that was considered "confidential," and I'll be fired. So mum's the word.

I have been sticking it out at this place for about a year, trying to prove to the professional world that I am entirely reliable and employable, despite my history of running off and participating in ridiculous reality-TV competitions. I went on many, many job interviews, just to meet some manager who asked questions about what it was like to be on The Real World and then subsequently informed my experience was not what they were looking for. Then why call me in?...so I kept writing for the newspapers, I kept doing the TV shows, even though I longed for a regular day job in an office somewhere. Usually it's the other way around. But this place, they gave it a shot. And see? Here I am. And I enjoy the routine. I didn't even call in sick once.

It was announced a few weeks ago that things are shifting around, and a few people are joining the ranks of management. I was informed, without being interviewed or really even asked, that I am one of those people. No pomp, no circumstance. Basically no raise in pay but longer working hours. Get to work.

So I cleaned out my work area yesterday, ready for the big move. My co-workers all wailed their sorrow, they couldn't bear to see me go. What would happen to this place? I worried that everything would fall to pieces. At the same time, another co-worker in a separate department is also leaving her job to work for another company; she worked here for three years, and let it slip she hoped the big boss would make a counter-offer to keep her here. Alas, he just said goodbye and bought her a plant. But that's probably because she's going to make so much more money at the new place, this place could not dream of matching her new salary. But still, it would have been nice to be asked.

So she sat at her desk, bittersweet tears trickling down her face, as one-by-one everyone approached her with their heads down and their tails between their legs, and told her how much she'd be missed. She ran the company, no doubt about it, seriously. And she was the nicest person in the building. We had no idea what we'd do without her.

Then I looked at everyone else in her office, and papers were flurrying through the air and phones were flying up off the receivers, and things kept moving on. My co-workers? When I walked by, they didn't look up, they were busy.

Life goes on.

STUFF IN THE NEWS

I was going to post a follow-up about why I asked the "him-vs-him" question earlier. There's a method to the madness. But we have MUCH more important things to discuss right now.

Here we go:

~~~

1) Someone please explain why Benazir Bhutto was "in exile" for so long, and why she just got blown to bits by a suicide bomber.

As I have never been to Pakistan, the only exposure I have to their world is when President Musharraf was on The Daily Show with John Stewart. And he seemed pretty even-keeled, talking about the hunt for Osama bin Laden and why the rest of the world thinks the US is an evil imperialist bully. I dunno. But the country doesn't seem to like him OR poor Benazir Bhutto: according to this article in TIME about J.K. Rowling, there was a 7th grade class that was asked to compare the Harry Potter series with the nation's political crisis; the kids said Musharraf was Voldemort, and Bhutto was Bellatrix Lestrange. So I guess no one liked either side. (That TIME article is really good, btw.)

And what is the difference between a Prime Minister and President? How does a country have both? Very confusing.

Obviously I'm missing something.

~~~

2) Paris isn't getting the Hilton money. Barron Hilton, who is worth approximately 10 kazillion dollars or so after selling the Hilton Hotel chain, is donating almost all of his money to the Hilton family foundation. Which means...whatever money Paris has now is all she's going to have for a while.

This made me laugh, out loud, with glee.

All that work that Paris has done has basically been for free--she foregoes salary in exchange for the chance to be in the media. And any money she does make just goes to her publicists, who then pay OK! Magazine or whatever to write articles. Yes, you have to pay money to be in them. I don't know how much she got paid for The Simple Life, but it wasn't much. They're the same production company that makes The Real World. Granted, we were paid nothing o one is getting that much. Go to the production offices someday. It's not very fancy.

Perhaps now she won't be as interesting. Not that she ever was.

Although I'm curious: this year there have been several of these mega-gifts to charitable foundations, including Warren Buffet's donation of his estate to the Gates Foundation (Buffett being the 2nd richest person in the US). Do you think the huge impact of these foundations alleviate the responsibility of government to take care of issues?

Okay, onto meatier topics:

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3) Three people were eaten at the San Francisco Zoo by an angry tiger. Here's what we know: someone was climbing over the fence, taunting the tiger. Somehow the tiger got out. And the tiger was angry. So the tiger killed one dude and wounded two others, literally hunting them down throughout the zoo as they ran away, following their trail of blood.

I don't know if the kid who got killed was the one who was teasing the tiger. But let me just say this: when there are stories of elephants from the circus going on a rampage, or alligator wrestlers who get their arms chomped off, or even kids who are teasing tigers in the zoo and subsequently get eaten...I root for the animals.

I know it's terrible but it's true.

Cleaning out the cell phone pics, and here are some randoms:

dan_renzi_windy
Originally uploaded by dan.renzi

~~~

On a boat ride, trying to adjust the lighting exposure on the camera, and using myself as the template. I finally got it right here. Did I mention it's about 75 degrees here in Miami? The breeze on your skin is delicious. Too bad I couldn't do anything about the wind. Or the fat in my face.

~~~

MEN

We can have personal conversations here, right? These are the things you discuss in your daily life. So here we go.

The scenario: Two men.

Different, but comparable.

Physical appearance? This one has nice arms, that one has nice eyes, they both add up comparably.

Personality? This one is shy but giggly and it's cute, that one is a little more chatty. Again, it's comparable.

The differences: One has a decent career and is great in bed; one has a great career but is decent in bed.

Both of the "decent" rankings are on the positive side of mediocre, so neither are necessarily negative.

Which holds more long-term potential?

(This is, of course, presuming both men continue to hold interest in the person asking the question. That's always a slippery slope.)

MY CHRISTMAS LETTER

Dearest friends, family, and other assorted loved ones,

It is such a pleasure for me to send this Season's warmest greetings, and I do hope the end of 2007 finds you bathed in the warmth of love and good fortune. It has been such a busy year for us here in Miami, I have so much to tell you. I almost don't know where to start!

Let's see...first, E continues to entertain the South Florida area with his female impersonation skills, performing at nightclubs around town. I'm sure the Cornell Alumni Association is so proud of all of his accomplishments--I wouldn't be surprised if they asked him to speak at the graduation ceremony next year. On the top of his Christmas list are new shoes, so if you can find a pair of peep toe pumps in a size 12--that's men's size, of course--you'll certainly make his holiday season a little brighter. And he could use a very light powder foundation. For some reason he always seems to have white powder that doesn't blend around his nose.

J is still doing very well for himself, making a career out of being unemployed. After all these years, why get a job now? We actually haven't seen as much of him these days, so he must be very busy doing something. And although we miss his company, we often see a random assortment of older gentlemen coming-and-going from his apartment, so it's good to see he's making friends.

You'll be happy to know M is out of rehab, and she's doing well. It took a few trips to "the spa," but we think this last one is going to stick. And while she was there, she learned how to do yoga--so if you're looking for a good yoga class, we can recommend an excellent rehab center where you can learn. Sadly, she insists now that she's sober, she won't go topless in public anymore. That's one thing everyone will miss about her.

C and K are still together, and they are the two most happily-matched men in the world, bartending at restaurants around town. Of course, they still argue about who is going to be the bottom, and neither will acquiesce--so they spend their nights in bed poking each other in the back, hoping the other will just give in. Any bets on who will win?

There's a new addition to our happy little family, as many of you know: Gorgeous The Cat wandered into my world this year, covered in mud and fleas and looking for someone to love. Now she is doing just great, and she refuses to leave no matter how many times I shove her outside and close the door. Just kidding! I just leave the door open and hope she will wander outside. Although Gorgeous and I discussed her weight, and agreed she needed to go on a diet, as she's had a tendency to fall off the windowsill. God bless. I've also made a leash for her so we can go on walks, but she doesn't quite understand the concept of that yet.

As for me, I am still working at my job, and writing for a few newspapers here in town. How I enjoy those exhilirating 12-hour days! The nightmares from the stress provide make for such exciting evenings. I always look forward to enjoying whatever scenarios my subconscious brain can terrify me with. On another note, Operation Husband Hunt: 2007 is coming to a close, and just like the war in Iraq, we saw a few promising developments, but they fell apart, and now we don't see a resolution in sight. So I'm calling in more troops for Operation Husband Hunt: 2008, which will include a re-organization in tactics and hopefully bring an end to the situation.

Again, I do hope you are doing well, and please keep in touch. And if you grow weary of the cold weather wherever you are, don't hesitate to come for a visit. Wishing you the best in 2008!

Hugs and sloppy kisses,

Dan

HAPPY FRIGGIN' HOLIDAYS

Good morning, hello, and happy Friday to you, dear Reader.

'Tis quite early in the morn, and I'd rather be settling down for a long winter's nap. The rains have been falling all night, and there is a slight chill in the air. The temperature is down into the '60's! And for Miami that is cold, cold, cold. I expect snow at any moment now.

I appeal to your forgiving nature with this post, dear Reader, as I'm afraid I have somewhat maudlin topics to discuss. I certainly don't enjoy listening to people whine, so it goes without saying I don't enjoy reading about it in a blog either. One doesn't stop by a blog to read maudlin pointlessness. But with that said--I have been bombarded with what is officially the Most Depressing Holiday Ever.

FOR INSTANCE:

My friend B moved from here to California several months ago. His family still lives here, and he made arrangements to come back for the holidays. But I was surprised to find a voice mail in my trusty little phone: "I'm back in Fort Lauderdale early, I had to come back to see S. She's in hospice now, they don't expect her to last much longer."

Well, there's a nice how-do-you-do.

S is a friend--an aquaintance (is that spelled correctly?) of mine, really--who was diagnosed with melanoma several months ago, caught far too late to do anything about it. For whatever it's worth, she had the spot on her arm for years, but ignored it for reasons she now regrets. Correction: she regretted.

(ring)

Me: Hello?

B: Before we go to dinner, do you want to meet me at the mall?

Me: Sure.

B: I need to buy a pair of black pants. I didn't bring any clothes appropriate for a funeral.

Me: So that means she--

B: --yeah.

Me: Ah. That sucks.

B: Yeah. Do you want to get sushi?

So we spent the evening catching up with each other, while simultaneously working through the fact that our 28-year-old friend is now dead. And we combined shopping for funeral pants with some last-minute Christmas gifting. It was an evening of paradox--standing in some store like Banana Republic, engaging in the requisite conversation about the meaning of life, while debating the practicality of herring-bone fabrics and catching up with each other for the first time in months.

Me: It's so shocking to think how we were all just drinking beer at some bar.

B: But it was a long time coming.

Me: It's still a lot to wrap your brain around. I think the sales guy is checking you out.

B: Yes. And yes. Do these pants give me a kangaroo-toe?

(pause)

Me: Camel-toe.

B: I keep getting flashes of seeing her in my head, it's quite upsetting. Is that what it's called?

Me: Yes. And yes and yes. Your butt is getting bigger, it looks good, are you working out?

B: A little bit, yeah.

This is just an example of the drama that's been going on. Luckily, none of it directly involves me, so I'm just watching from the sidelines. Nevertheless, there has been a dampening of the holiday spirit 'round these parts. It's said the holidays are depressing for many, causing a rise in the rates of suicide. It's not made any easier from people who die and they're not doing it on purpose.

AMEN

I found myself sitting next to a group of Haitian women at lunch, as they listened to their friend lament about her marriage troubles.

A woman in the group raised her hand in praise. "All you need is the Lord. He will provide," she said.

Another nodded in agreement. "You havin' problems with your husband?" she added. "...just get on your knees."

I would just like to say, if you tell a woman she looks like "the lady in I Love New York," she will NOT take it as a compliment. In fact she might, regardless of how it was intended, just might be a little offended.

I'm just sayin'.

(I am not the one who did this, btw. Which is obvious, as I am still alive, and therefore capable of typing.)

BLACKLE

It's all about baby steps, people.

Join the Green revolution. Use Blackle. Or just go use www.blackle.com.

I think I should give HWYDD a re-design too. Perhaps my darker screen will save the polar bears.