ROCKIN' THE SUBURBS

First of all: the winning dress from this week? It goes on sale today. Do you want to buy a $19 dress? I dunno about that. But maybe it's cute when you see it in person.

Second: I couldn't watch Project Runway this week, and none of my friends could watch it since none of us have cable (what is wrong with us?) so I asked my white-guy-in-the-suburbs younger brother to watch it for me and tell me what happened. And this time, I actually did ask him.

His response is below.

~~~

Okay. So last week was their first challenge, and they all just introduced themselves and said how happy they were to be there. And then they were all randomly assigned models and they did a challenge, and the blond lady Simone got cut because she made a really boring dress that looked like ass. That was it. NEXT--

So this week starts and they're all bagging on that Elisa lady, the one who does yoga and puts spirits into her fabric, and they're like Elisa is whack! and Elisa is weird! and The bitch can't use a sewing machine! which in their world is probably a big insult, I don't know. But Elisa is just hanging out, she doesn't give a fuck what anybody thinks, she's too busy humming and clanging bells and meditating and talking to the aliens.

So this week they go into the showroom and Heidi is there, and she's all Listen to me! You will now have another challenge! And you must now pick your models! Sie sind alle schweinehoden! and all the models walk out and Heidi says You will line up now! and all the models line up. And Heidi goes Rami won last time so he gets to pick first! The rest of you are pathetic and you will lose again! Ich bin mit ihnen angeekelt! and Rami just picks the same blond girl he had last time. Whoope doo. And everyone else picks the same girls, except when they get to that gay Mexican guy Ricky, he picks Elisa's model, he's like Fuck that hippie bitch! Her model is mine! Ha HA! and he makes this shitty little face that looks like Wile E. Coyote. So everyone is picking on Elisa. That's bullshit.

So they find out their challenge is to design an outfit for some fashion icon. And they go to the workshop to meet the person, and they're waiting and they're all freaking out, and who should walk in? Sarah Jessica Parker. How the fuck did they get Sarah Jessica Parker? She could own everyone in the room. She has HBO money. So they're all jumping up and down and you know Chris, the chubby guy who makes theater costumes?... he's like, crying and going Oh my God! I moved to New York because of Sex And The City! and he's touching his face all over and he looks like he's going to have a heart attack on the spot. Somebody please get the man a glass of water or something. Whatever, Sarah Jessica Parker is hot.

So apparently SJP owns her own clothing line, I didn't know that. That's probably why she's on the show, she wants the free advertising. And their challenge is to make some clothes that she can sell. But the deal is that the designers have to pair up and duel it out using cheap materials. They only get $15 for the whole thing. That sucks. What kind of crap clothes is SJP selling? Anyway, so they cut to that tattooed chick Sweet P, and she's all I like working in teams, but I just want it to be one of the good teams. Yeah, NO SHIT, genius.

So only 7 designers get their ideas picked to make, so they start sketching, and then they go in one by one to present their ideas to SJP. And Chris the theater guy is literally shaking while he's talking and he sounds like he's going to cry, and he's hyperventilating just from sitting next to her, and she's looking at the cameraman like What the fuck is wrong with this guy and he's like OH MY GOD I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE GIVE ME A HUG and he throws himself on her. And she's like Great, another gay guy touching me, this doesn't happen a thousand times a day anyway.

So the rest of them come in, and Christian the guy with the funky hair who is really small is talking mad smack about his dress, he's all I am the shit! and SJP is like Anyone as gay as you must know how to make good clothes. You're getting picked fancy-boy. And then Elisa comes in and is all I want to make a polymorphic dress and SJP is all What the FUCK is a polymorphic dress? And Elisa is all It's bad-ass, I'll show you.

So SJP makes her choices, and she picks Christian and he's like Who's the playa now, bitches! and she picks Rami, and she picks that quiet guy Marion who wears that dumb hat all day, and Victorya the Asian lady, and Ricky, and someone else I forget...and then last, she picks Elisa! And everyone is like Whaaat? and Ricky is like Ay caramba! and Christian is like Whatever. And Chris is totally destroyed because he wasn't picked and he's literally crying in a corner but he'll be alright.

But THEN they have to pick teammates. And everyone is like Oh please please don't stick me with Elisa and Heidi picks names out of a bag to choose the picking order, until the last person to pick happens to be, you guessed it, fucking Elisa. And the only person left for her to pick is Sweet P. And Elisa is like I wanted Sweet P anyway! and Sweet P is all Should I start packing now? and she looks all pissed. And then they all go to the fabric store to get their stuff.

So they start sewing, and Marion pulls out the weird design that he pitched, and he's looking at it and it's crazy complicated. And he's like I don't know why the fuck I said I would make this, there's no way I'm going to finish and his partner Steven is like For reals!, he's the gay guy with the shaved head. But they start sewing like crazy. Then Sweet P is standing with Elisa, and Elisa is chanting on her fabric trying to make the aliens help her sew, and Sweet P looks like she's going to either kill herself or kill Elisa, she just can't decide who yet. And Elisa is holding the fabric up and talking about how long it should be, and to make a mark where she wants to cut it, she sticks out her tongue and LICKS IT. Seriously, she licks her fabric. And Sweet P is like What the fuck did you just do?!? and Elisa is all That's how I roll! I spit on my shit! and Sweet P is like I am trippin and she throws up in her mouth a little.

So then Tim comes in and he's all Hello my little angels! What magic are we making today? and he goes to Marion and he's like What the hell were you thinking? and Marion is like I don't know, I'm an asshole and his partner Steven is like For reals! and Tim's like It was nice having you on the show, dumbass and he walks away. And then he goes over to Christian, and he's looking at Christian's dress and he's wrinkling up his face like it smells, and he's all Christian, precious, are you making a dress from the 80's on purpose? and Christian is like Fuck you! It's perfect! and Tim is like It just looks very retro and Christian is like You look very retro, old man and he keeps doing whatever he wants because apparently Christian is smarter than Tim, the guy who runs the whole TV show.

And then Tim goes over to Elisa and Sweet P, and Elisa is sewing everything by hand because she can't use a sewing machine, which is ridiculous. Who the fuck goes on Project Runway without learning how to use a sewing machine? And he's like Elisa what the fuck are you doing? and Elisa starts with this line of shit about I am infusing my fabric with the spirits of the fashion universe blah blah blah and Sweet P looks like she's about to claw her own eyes out and Tim is like You can't hand-sew an entire dress, dumbass! And no one will buy a dress if you're hocking loogies on it! Cut the shit and get to work! And Sweet P is like You just got skooled and Elisa is like Fine and she calms down and just gives it to Sweet P and is like Whatever and Sweet P goes over to a machine and starts to sew.

But then boo-ya, Christian and his partner, that hot black chick Carmen, they're all like Game over bitches we're done! and everyone is like No way and Christian is like Check it and their dress is up on the mannequin, they finished early. And everyone is still sewing sewing sewing and Marion is like Hey, you can come over here and help me if you want but Christian's strutting around like Who da man now? except you can't take him seriously with that stupid haircut. So if he doesn't win he's gonna look like a tool.

So then the models come in to try on the stuff, and Marion is like Damn my dress is busted and it looks like shit. It's just a poncho thing with tassels that looks like a rug you get at an Indian truck stop, with a hole cut in the middle for the head. And that crazy skirt they were trying to make isn't even on the girl, I don't know what happened to it. Maybe Steven messed it up but they didn't say. Then Elisa and Sweet P put their dress on their model--and she looks pretty good. And Sweet P is like How the fuck did that work out? and she's like Good job, Elisa! and Elisa is like Who is Elisa? Oh that's me! Thanks! and they're happy.

Then the runway show starts, and everyone's models look pretty good I guess, except for Marion's, but we already knew that. And then Christian's comes out, and it's just stupid. It's, like, bright green, but then the jacket is black and grey with poofy shoulders. So stupid. And the judges shred him, Heidi is like This is shiza! and that mean lady Nina is all I can't believe you are even in this competition and Christian starts freaking out and yells back at them with his screechy voice, he's all Fuck you! I'm the man! I want to know what Sarah Jessica Parker thinks! She loves me! and SJP is like Uh, no I don't you little bitch, this piece of shit looks nothing like your drawing! You're a punk! and Christian acts like a bitch and cries. I can't stand that guy. I don't care how feminine he is, if he wants to be a big shot, he needs to keep the girly-whiny stuff aside.

So they like Victorya's dress, she put together this blue thing (more like a grayish darkish blue thing) that had a funny looking scarf. And they like Elisa's dress, the judges are like We don't know what planet you are from but wherever it is, you can make some clothes, crazy lady But the winner is Victorya. Then the bottom two are Christian and Marion, but Marion lost because his looked like a throw rug that they cut a hole in the middle of it and called it fashion. Too bad, cause his chick was better looking.

And the side drama apart from the actual designing was leading the viewers on to an event later to be determined. The guy with stars tattooed to his elbows and Tim have a secret to tell and no one finds out til next week.

Comments

[Lane]

Who knows? Maybe Elisa will create a dress held together only by her mojo infused spit and win.

[James]

Who watches that show that closely? I don't believe the response. Even if I TIVO-ed it and re-watched 100s of times, I would not get all that.

[art]

holy crap... that was dead on what happened!! i can't wait to read what he thinks about next week. i cried i laughed so hard!

[Sid]

James...you are aware that Sarah Jessica Parker didn't ACTUALLY refer to Christian as "You little bitch," right?

I believe lots of the details are made up.

[Stephen]

I missed these lol

[Liz]

The secret for next week is kind of a disappointment. One of the contestants blogged about it. It's like Real World SF all over again.

[amyhalo]

I love you.

[MkeLaurie]

Dan, please post your brother's recap every week. [applause]

[Justin]

I just found this by accident. Who do we tell about this?? Your brother is hilarious!

[Badger]

Oh my God. I hardly ever ACTUALLY laugh so hard that I cry, but this time I did. Can your brother come live with me? I'm a really good cook.

[Jari]

www.fanpop.com or www.sidereel.com
Living in Japan, missing my favorite states-side shows sucks. Thanks to those two sites I watch them a day or two after they've aired in the states. Hope that helps you (and everyone else) catch up on the latest episode.

[dave491]

This was damn funny. Your brother is journalistic genius. Do this every week and I'll be hooked.

Why bother watching? This was far more entertaining.

[Stephen]

It's obvious parts are made up, but who cares? It's fuckin' hilarious, and you know that's exactly what the people were actually thinking.

[Scot]

That was hysterical! I enjoyed reading that even though I don't watch the show very often. It seems like the winner of last season hung garbage bags on a model and called it fashion.
I do have one point to argue with though:
"...if he doesn't win he's gonna look like a tool.", lets be honest, win OR lose, he already looks like a tool!
Please keep recapping. Totally enjoyed reading that.

[desertwind]

I heart you, DanRenzi.

Happy Thanksgiving, dear.

[Matthew]

I have never laughed so fucking hard in my life. I woke up my partner in another room because I was laughing so loud. Awesome job Dan!!!! Can't wait for the next PR recap.

[Emily]

So funny. The exagerations were amazing because they were honest. The looks on their faces were put into words by your brother. PLEASE keep having him do the recap!

[ccknows]

That shit was so not made up. I saw the show so I knows, thats exactly what happened, its like your brother is a court stenographer or some shit like that!

[Ms. Place]

I laughed so hard I spat on my screen. Spot on. Best recap ever.

[Joan]

I was having withdrawals from "FourFour's" recaps of PR, but this is a hilarious substitute! "Tim's like It was nice having you on the show, dumbass and he walks away" is priceless.

More please.

[veronicadis]

I have spend many a wasted moment reading Project Runway blogs, but this has been one of the funniest yet. Don't give up now! You gotta stay with us the rest of the season! "Kudos!", as Michael Kors would say!

[Philip in Tampa]

Well, if you're not blogging PR, then your brother is a worthy stand in. How hilarious was his recap! Loved it! I hope he contiues recapping PR for us needy folk out here.

Of course, your ANTM recaps are the absolute best thing ever. I laugh and laugh every Monday when you post them. Thanks for being there week after week. Smooches!

[Philip]

Whoops - what the f was I thinking? I thought for a min I was at Fourfour! Love Mondays for FourFour but look every day for your posts.

[Scott Free]

Oh my GOD! Will you PLEASE have your bro recap the whole season?! This is GOLD!

[mike d]

As always Dan, your "brother" is spot on the happened on the episodes. Whoever it was that said that Dan's brother made up some of the actual dialog that happened on the shows - I hope you are kidding. If not, then wow - just wow. LOL. It's all good. Dan - you are a gentleman and a scoundrel, but that's ok. Keep up the good work. You make my day at work a little briighter.