This recap took a while. My angry-white-guy, rockin-the-suburbs brother and I had much to discuss. Click the extended post to read the recap.
Okay. So last week they had to team up in pairs of twos and make an outfit for Sarah Jessica Parker, right? And Marion got cut because his dress was ugly. But Christian almost got cut, his was really bad too.
So this week it starts out with that big guy Jack who’s really buff and has the stars tattooed on his elbows, and he’s just talking about stuff, like I’m really excited to be here and I like designing clothes, it's fun and Oh by the way I’ve had HIV for 17 years, no big whoop. Hello! So I guess that’s the big secret they’ve been talking about since the show started. But when they talked about the “big secret” before, they showed him crying about something, and now there’s no crying, he just said it. So I don’t know if something else will happen later, or if they changed their minds and didn’t want to make it a big deal. Whatever.
So then it goes back to the apartment, and things are back to normal, everyone is just sitting around talking shit about whoever isn’t there. And Chris the theater guy is like I miss Marion! and the other guys are like Me too! so I guess Marion was cool. And Chris goes Too bad they didn’t cut Christian instead, no one would miss that little bitch! and Christian walks in and is like Fuck you! If I left this show would suck! I am hilarious! but I don’t think so, I still want to smack that little squeaky guy.
So they go to the showroom and Heidi is like You will listen to me now! For this challenge you will not need your models! Go to Tim and he will tell you more! Get out of my sight! and they all go to the work room and meet Tim, and he’s like Time for a field trip, kids! Remember to use the buddy system! and they go to a TV studio. And guess who is there? Tiki Barber! Do you know who Tiki Barber is? He retired last year with the NY Giants, but he retired at a pretty young age right in the prime of his career, and he's a real good looking guy. The people who run the show were probably like This is gonna be awesome, the designers will flip out when they get to meet Tiki Barber! But the designers were like He looks like the kind of guys Heidi dates, what happened to Seal?? except the one straight guy Kevin was like Hey, Tiki Barber, that’s pretty cool. Tiki Barber's identical brother is Ronde Barber, he’s a defensive back (the real fast guys who jump up and intercept passes) who still plays for the Tampa Bay Bucs. That’s useless info, but now you can act like you always knew that around your friends.
Anyway—so Tiki Barber is is also a host on The Today Show, so he’s like For your next challenge you gotta design clothes for me to wear on my show, bitches! And he’s like But I ain’t wearin no shit! Pop ya collar! And everyone is like Dang, making men’s clothes is hard! because it takes a lot longer to sew all the pockets and collars and stuff than it does to make a dress. And they ask him what he wants and he’s like Check it! I am pimp! And I am built, bitch! Make my pants big ‘cause I got a really big ass! Seriously, he talked about his own ass. What guy talks about his own ass? I guess was his way of saying I know you gay guys and fashion ladies don’t know who the fuck I am so I’ll just talk about my butt, I need to make this interesting for you somehow.
So they go to the fabric store and buy a bunch of stuff, and then they go to the workroom and start to sew. But a bunch of them don't know what to make, so they're going up to Jack and are they’re like You work out, what do you wear? And all of the sudden, he’s like You think Tiki has ass? Look at this! and he totally drops his shorts and takes them off. And everyone is like Whaaat? and he takes out some scissors and starts ripping them apart, so they can use his shorts as a "guy-with-big-ass" pants pattern. And the other designers were like OH THANK GOD because apparently no one in the room has ever seen a pair of men’s pants before.
But Rami gets all shitty about it, like Jack is a cheater! Jack is whack! I'm going to tell! but no one cares. Tim told Jack they could use their own clothes as an example. And Jack lets anyone use it if they want to, so it’s not really cheating, I guess, I don’t know. But Rami is still complaining. But then Chris the theater guy is like What the hell is the big deal about making pants? It’s just two sleeves sewn together and he’s like zoom zoom zoom sewing his stuff. Chris is cool. So obviously not everyone is having problems. And that little squeaky punk Christian is lighting his machine of fire, like How you like me now, bitches? and he flies through his stuff. I guess he's the best at the sewing machines. But of course he can’t do it without talking mad smack. Man, I wish someone would grab him by his weird hairdo and sew his damn mouth shut.
So then Tim comes in and he’s like Surprise, my little Christmas elves! I’ve brought you a special present! And in walks Tiki’s wife, Ginny Barber. And Tim is like I brought in Ginny to take a look at what you’re making! and Ginny is this really hot Asian chick, and goes up to some designers, like Kevin and Rami and whoever, and she thinks what they’re doing is okay. But then she goes up to Carmen, she's that really tall hot black chick?...so Carmen is making this jacket, and Ginny is like What the fuck is this?! and Carmen is like It’s called fashion, beyotch, you better recognize! and Ginny is all It looks like you are making a fucking Members Only jacket!! BOOM, she just blew Carmen UP. You don’t say a fashion designer is Members Only. And Carmen looks at her like I will snap you like chopsticks you bitch because now she has to start all over again. Too bad she already cut all her fabric into pieces, she’s dunzo.
So Carmen is pissed, and she turns to Ricky the Mexican guy and just starts to pick a fight, she’s like Fuck you, punk, you’re going HOME and Ricky is like Not as long as you're here, Members Only and Carmen is like You wanna say that again, Señorita? and Ricky is like Why you up in my grill? I will stand up on this chair and rip those braids out of your head, Sasquatch and Carmen is like I wish you would and everyone else is like Damn and the Ricky is whipping his fabric around and sewing angry. But he should watch it, that Carmen lady could crush him like a bean.
So everyone is sewing and complaining, and Sweet P is like I have no idea how to do this, I've never made men's clothes in my life and she is just randomly sending pieces of fabric through the sewing machine like Hey let's see what happens if I do THIS and hoping for the best. And then there's this big scene where Tim sends in the models for the fitting, and of course they’re all guys, so everyone is freaking out looking at their abs and Chris is licking his lips like Lunch is here and they all make a big deal about looking at guys in their underwear. I turned a little gay just from watching it.
Then it’s time for the runway show, but a bunch of them aren’t finished. Y'know how Carmen had to start over, so she only has a jacket and pants but no shirt, so she takes a piece of blue fabric and wraps it around the model’s neck. Like no one will notice THAT little detail. And Ricky has his whole outfit put together with safety pins. But then Sweet P has the worst outfit I have ever seen. The collar was all screwed up, it looked like an old stretched-out V-neck t shirt that my dad has had since 1984. I guess she didn't know how to make it. And she put the tie around the guys neck, but the shirt didn't button up all the way because the collar was so screwed up, so the tie was around his neck but not touching any fabric, only skin. I hope this makes sense. And to be honest, the shirt was so stupid that I can't remember the pants. I think they were just normal pants.
So the runway show starts, and everything is alright except for those three. So the judges hold the three of them back, and they keep Kit, and Kevin, and Jack, but they just take turns firing shots at the bad three, making them feel like shit. Like they look at Sweet P's shirt and seriously, they start to laugh. That's harsh. And they're like Sweet P, it looks like you had no idea what you were doing and she is like True dat because she knows she looks like an asshole. Then Michael looks at Carmen’s pants and is all The crotch on those pants is insane! which is his favorite thing to say, and Tiki is like That jacket is too short! Everyone is going to look at my butt! and Heidi is like You will put the jacket on and show me now! because she totally wants a piece of Tiki, she's giving him the eye and stuff. Seal must be so mad watching this episode. But there he is again, talking about his own ass! What is up with Tiki Barber and his ass? Someone please tell the man all the gay guys in the room aren't looking at his ass all day, he doesn't need to keep talking about it. But then then they are all like Carmen, here's a question...why the fuck do you have a BLUE SCARF wrapped around your model’s neck?! and she’s like I didn’t have time to make a shirt, so it’s just a suggestion of what the shirt would look like and they’re like Here's a suggestion--1986 is looking for a fashion designer to make some ugly clothes, you should give it a try, you'd be perfect! Members Only rocks! and Carmen is like Damn. It goes on and on, it’s a bloodbath. But then Jack is scoring pretty big, he just made pants and a shirt, but at least he did them alright. I don’t like Jack’s shirt, it’s all stripey, but whatever.
So the winner is Jack, which must have really pissed Rami off. And they also like that punk girl Kit because she made a good sweater jacket. But then they get down to the final two, and it’s between Carmen and Ricky. Which means SWEET P DOESN’T LOSE? WTF? Even she looks surprised when they let her stay, she is like Really? No way and runs backstage before they change their minds. So Ricky cries. And Carmen gets sent home because at least Ricky made a shirt, even if he safety-pinned the whole thing together. And Carmen’s crotch is crazy. But Carmen keeps her head up. Ricky is still crying. Ends just like every other reality show. The end.