I SWEAR I HAD THIS CONVERSATION TODAY
The time: mid-afternoon.
The place: crossing the street by my apartment. I was munching on a delicious sandwich.
The scenario: I am approached by a guy I went out with on two dates; he was nice, but then he abruptly disappeared, never returned my calls, nothing. I didn't give it a second thought.
Him: "Hi."
Me: (pause to recognize him, and then...) Hi! Long time no see.
"Do you remember me?"
Of course. How are you?
"I'm fine. How have you been?"
Great. Where have you been?
"It's a long story."
Oh.
"It was a lot of drama."
You don't have to tell me.
(Pause...and then--)
"I was in jail."
How nice.
"Yeah."
What did you do?
"Possession of drugs."
Well, this is Miami.
"I know, it's bullshit. All the other cops who caught me with drugs never did anything."
Well that's just so unfair.
"I know."
What were you caught with?
"Marijuana, and pills that weren't mine."
Oh. How long were you in?
"Forty-five days. But they have this new thing called 'gay jail,' that's separate from the rest of the inmates. It's not bad, I just watched TV."
I've heard of gay jail, my friend went there. I don't know why everyone doesn't just lie and say they're gay to get the nice jail.
"Actually they didn't believe me when I told them at first, they said I was lying just to get the gay jail."
But you're, like, so gay. How could they not tell?
"I know."
(pause)
"I'm glad you're still talking to me."
Why wouldn't I?
"I didn't mean to disappear on you like that."
(I really didn't care.) Well, jail does get in the way. Where are you going right now, by the way? I have to get home...
"I'm waiting for my friend to give me a ride. My car was re-possessed."
Oh, that sucks. How are you getting to work?
"I got fired."
Oh.
"But y'know, I have a lot more free time now, so...if you want to get together..."
That sounds GREAT.
"I've been kinda lonely."
Yeah, I would think jail is lonely.
"Actually, I always had roommates in jail, they were pretty hot. They kept me company."
Wow, this story just keeps getting better and better.
"Do you want to get together later?"
I don't know, I have to work.
"What about after?"
I have to work really late.
"Well call me when you're done."
That sounds good.
"We can make up for lost time. I learned a few things while I was in the gay jail."
Your life is something else
Posted by:D | November 26, 2007 at 01:32 PM
STAY AWAY.
If you want a train wreck I'm sure I can find one for you...
Posted by:blackbird | November 26, 2007 at 01:34 PM
Florida is full of quality people.
Posted by:jim | November 26, 2007 at 01:51 PM
"I learned a few things while I was in the gay jail."
Best pickup line EVER!
Posted by:maggie | November 26, 2007 at 02:00 PM
Okay Dan, you've outdone yourself with this story. Hilarious!
Up here in NYC they have a site where you can post overheard conversations (or ones you've had). This one would be a great one. You should start one for Miami.
BTW, don't stay away. Ain't nothing like hot prison sex from what I hear. LOL
Posted by:Bill H | November 26, 2007 at 02:02 PM
Wow. Seriously wow. amazing.
Posted by:Emily | November 26, 2007 at 02:47 PM
Give him my number!!
Posted by:Tom | November 26, 2007 at 03:27 PM
I think I dated him. Oh wait...he's gay, right? No, I still think I dated him.
Posted by:Liz | November 26, 2007 at 03:35 PM
Let's see...no job, no car, ruined credit, a pot-head pill popper & an ex-con with some kinky jailhouse sex secrets.
Sounds like such a winner!
How does he have a phone for you to call him on?
Posted by:Jenna | November 26, 2007 at 04:08 PM
Wow--there's a keeper. Do you think for a minute that he heard himself speak and thoguht (for a second) that he should keep his mouth shut?!
Posted by:misfithausfrau | November 26, 2007 at 06:04 PM
I feel like keeping his mouth shut has never been this guy's strong point.
Posted by:aca | November 26, 2007 at 08:10 PM
Note to self: Never google the words "Gay Jail" ever again...
Posted by:Cameron | November 26, 2007 at 08:23 PM
Note to self: Never google the words "Gay Jail" ever again...
Posted by:Cameron | November 26, 2007 at 08:31 PM
i love your life??!!
Posted by:s | November 26, 2007 at 09:27 PM
I wonder if all of the inmates look like Jeff Stryker in Powertool? Gay Jail..I love that concept...fabulous window treatments, immaculately made bunks...but wouldn't they all be bottoms?
Seriously, you need to enter this in the Gay Bloggies....
(ps. good job so far!)
Posted by:john. | November 26, 2007 at 09:44 PM
didn't i tell you about gay jail after my stint? mine sucked too, but in a less stellar way than your trick. make him cellblock tango dat ass off sugar.
Posted by:willam | November 26, 2007 at 10:00 PM
Tell me again why you're not going to call this winner???
Posted by::: jozjozjoz :: | November 27, 2007 at 01:07 AM
havent been checking ur blogs in ages and I have to say this story makes my day.
Do update us on this..
Posted by:Fendie | November 27, 2007 at 01:25 AM
yeah, like how to pass on hepatitis or any number of STD's. they wont even let you give blood for a year after you have done the nasty with an inmate. i have sworn off anyone thats been in the penetentiary, jail, had a TRO or more than one stay in rehab.
Posted by:smaile | November 27, 2007 at 02:44 AM
Wait. That didn't do me any good. Everything I read just makes me believe people are really losing their minds and thinking they are making sense...
(I just love the dog up there!)
Posted by:Leo | November 27, 2007 at 05:34 AM
You have a serious gift for attracting the shining stars in the unavailable (or unfavorable) set.
Posted by:Dean | November 27, 2007 at 08:03 AM
Wow! At what precise moment did the piano fall on this guy's head after your conversation? I have to agree with the others, the guy's just back luck/news.
Posted by:Carlos | November 27, 2007 at 08:15 AM
...Daddy, is that you?
Posted by:Kevin | November 27, 2007 at 09:46 AM
You really can pick 'em.
Posted by:David | November 27, 2007 at 10:14 AM
It must be refreshing to be that delusional. I should try it.
Posted by:Pete | November 27, 2007 at 12:14 PM