More of the Overeater's Anonymous diary. Interesting questions asked.
NOTE: If you're just joining us--these post contains entries from a diary I found. I have no idea who this person is. I post it because I think it's fascinating and surprisingly thought-provoking. But it's pretty heavy stuff, don't read if you're not ready.
How have I used excess food to escape life's problems?
Food occupies time. Empty time. It fills voids. Bingeing, I think about other people, I compare myself, my shortcomings. I stuff stuff stuff. Then I purge purge purge. I feel so sick then the only thing to do is sleep. Time goes by quickly.
Or...does alcohol alleviate boredom? Or eases my craving for food at first?
Are there any particular foods or eating behaviors which give me trouble?
Alcohol. I feel really really guilty right now. Mexican food sometimes is problematic. Taco Bell. The taste stays with me too long.
Unhealthy food that makes me fele dirty and toxic inside, and come up easily. Foods with food coloring. Cake icing.
Have I returned to my former compulsive overeating behavior after years in recovery?
No--I never stopped. But now it has developed into something worse than ever. I hate what I am doing to myself. I just want to stop it but I'm afraid, or I don't want badly enough to cut out the drinking.
I really hate to abuse myself. I don't deserve it.
I feel guilty because I'm not taking, or giving, ____ enough love too. I feel shamed that she sees me this way. And I feel shame that _____ and her husband see me so drunk. _____ too...repeatedly.
Has chronic unhappiness over my eating problems affected my friendships or marriage? How?
I don't go out. It holds me back. I want comfort in food first, or a drink. I isolate myself, I leave early. I start to think about a food I really want, and I leave early, pick it up, eat it, and purge.
I close myself off from relationships because I need more food or a drink and I'm ashamed to let others see this side of me. Or if I eat too much sometime, I feel disgusted, and I need to excuse myself to go home and throw up.
How have I believed that my life would be manageable if only others around me would do as I wanted?
If _____ or _____ would just let me act like I want, to say what I want...
Now--I have it. I'm free. I can do whatever I want. But what do I want? I'm free & lost.
When and how has my life been unmanageable?
Now it's the worst it's ever been. I get here, and I feel trapped. I want a new car. My lips done, my nose done, to look good in my clothes. To eat normally. Control my drinking. Be at peace with myself have a great social network grow in my career. I look at ___ and how he's probably leaps & bounds ahead of me...I feel like a complete failure compared to him. You see, I compare too much. I want all that stuff. I feel guilty for that.
Even when I succeed, has it been enough to make me happy?
Success only makes me temporarily happy. Do I look for reasons to be unhappy?