Okay I am going to print parts of this Overeaters Anonymous workbook--because I think it's legitimately interesting and informative. And very enlightening into how the mind works for people afflicted with this. For instance:
STEP ONE: We admitted we were powerless over food--that our lives had become unmanageable. Here is a first-step inventory of my compulsive eating history.
Age 12--thoughts of being too heavy, wanting to be thinner and prettier. I was ugly compared to _____. I got dumped for _______. I always wante to be part of the cool group...the parties...I wasn't. I felt like I was missing out. I sat home. I liked to drink..."liquid lunches."
I always ate...I remember meatballs, toms and tons of them after ____'s graduation party, just eating and eating. Then with ______ and _____, I took laxatives, I threw up.
In the basement, I ate jars of frosting, Oreos...I took my brother's food, ate it...donuts...eating and purging. I felt so guilty.
I got busted, I remember, for diahrrea. I asked Mom for help. She freaked. "What do you mean?"...yelling.
Went to college, never stopped. Drinks were an escape, and a replacement for food. But drinking + eating = disaster. Same issues as high school. No relationships, but MEN... Was I throwing up & drinking too much because ____ got all the attention and I didn't? I was punishing myself. I was bored. I was disgusted with myself. I wasn't good enough?...
Today...worse than ever. Drinks too. Every day.
What solutions have I tried, and what were the results? Am I still looking for a solution outside OA?
Rehab helped.... When I left I returned to old habits. Food and drinking was always bad, but FOOD...would use drinking, would get shit-faced until I would puke.
I tried to do it every year. The harder I try, the more I let myself off easy and give into a drink, and then eating. It's a vicious cycle. I know it. I write it but I'm not really making myself change it. I'm afraid. I'll miss the feeling of a nice buzz the way it holds me over for food for a while. I feel it helps me control my weight.