I FOUND TOM RIDDLE'S DIARY.

Okay I am going to print parts of this Overeaters Anonymous workbook--because I think it's legitimately interesting and informative. And very enlightening into how the mind works for people afflicted with this. For instance:

STEP ONE: We admitted we were powerless over food--that our lives had become unmanageable. Here is a first-step inventory of my compulsive eating history.

Age 12--thoughts of being too heavy, wanting to be thinner and prettier. I was ugly compared to _____. I got dumped for _______. I always wante to be part of the cool group...the parties...I wasn't. I felt like I was missing out. I sat home. I liked to drink..."liquid lunches."

I always ate...I remember meatballs, toms and tons of them after ____'s graduation party, just eating and eating. Then with ______ and _____, I took laxatives, I threw up.

In the basement, I ate jars of frosting, Oreos...I took my brother's food, ate it...donuts...eating and purging. I felt so guilty.

I got busted, I remember, for diahrrea. I asked Mom for help. She freaked. "What do you mean?"...yelling.

Went to college, never stopped. Drinks were an escape, and a replacement for food. But drinking + eating = disaster. Same issues as high school. No relationships, but MEN... Was I throwing up & drinking too much because ____ got all the attention and I didn't? I was punishing myself. I was bored. I was disgusted with myself. I wasn't good enough?...

Today...worse than ever. Drinks too. Every day.

What solutions have I tried, and what were the results? Am I still looking for a solution outside OA?

Rehab helped.... When I left I returned to old habits. Food and drinking was always bad, but FOOD...would use drinking, would get shit-faced until I would puke.

I tried to do it every year. The harder I try, the more I let myself off easy and give into a drink, and then eating. It's a vicious cycle. I know it. I write it but I'm not really making myself change it. I'm afraid. I'll miss the feeling of a nice buzz the way it holds me over for food for a while. I feel it helps me control my weight.

Comments

[Jules]

Dan, I can see why you'd post these entries, but this is really sad. I wonder about him/her and hope they're ok. Is that weird? Probably. But I still do.
Jules
bigpikchur.blogspot.com

[Suebob]

I think this is actually pretty cool. It makes me think "And I thought that MY food issues were bad." Not in a judgmental way - it gives me more compassion.

[Lucy]

This is too sad. I can't.

[Debbie]

This is quite sad.

[chris]

I generally like writing shitty comments....but this even makes me feel sad for the woman.

Sound like she has many issues going on: Low self esteem, over-eating, drinking and probably strong ups&downs (bi-polar).

Hopefully she will be able to modify behaviors. Not sure though...

[Nate]

Thanks for posting these; I hope there's more to come. This is one of those things that so many people suffer with silently. Hearing this voice may help someone seek help of their own.

[Marie]

Please post more. This is fascinating. Thanks.

[David]

Just reading this I could feel the chaos inside this person. Terrifying.

[Adinda]

Yes, it's terrifying, but fascinating. Personally I'd like to read more.

[Vee]

I wish I could be so honest with myself sometimes.

[Lori]

I would also like to see more entries from this journal. You can't help but to feel bad for this person. I hope she's okay. It sounds like she really needed a good friend to help her through it...hopefully she found the help that she needed.

[Hephaestion]

This is heart-breaking to read. I'm glad you posted it.
I do not think medical science has ANY clue as to what makes people overeat or what makes people gain weight, which can be two different issues since some people gain weight without overeating. Medical science refuses to admit that they are clueless about obesity, but they are. There needs to be far more study of this subject done, because it's getting worse worldwide now, and no one has a CLUE what to do about it.

[Liz]

Being a compulsive over eater is reverse of being anorexic. They are different sides of the same coin. I spent part of my summer with a compulsive over eater who is still in her addiction and it was rough. She tried to white knuckle it when I was around but she was cranky and defensive. When we would separate, she would return in a whole different, more pleasent mood. Hmm I wonder why?

[Dave]

Dan, I sat here for quite some time before I knew where to start.

As a person in 12 step recovery for my own issues, I find it very sad that you chose to print this person's private thoughts. I realize that you blanked out names, but the fact of the matter is that if somehow the owner of this book discovered what had been done with it, they would feel victimized.

Even if that person doesn't find out, I, as I'm sure other 12 step members would, feel some sort of violation. To treat someone's deepest personal pain as some sort of side show attraction is reprehensible. How does it make you any better than the people that did not treat her with respect in her younger years?

You may say that if she wanted to keep it private she wouldn't have left it behind. But nobody knows her state of mind when she left that apartment. She may have hit rock bottom in her life and left without consideration to what might be done with her things, let alone taking the time to pack everything up.

I am also very saddened by all of the comments asking you to post more of this private journal. I'm ashamed for all of you. This is not some piece of pulp fiction meant to entertain the great unwashed. This is somebody's life. Somebody's pain. To feel that you need to read more because you are "fascinated" says more about you than it does about the writer.

I'm sure many of you voyeurs would say that you are genuinely concerned for the woman. If this is the case, let me assure you there are other ways to help out people such as her. There is no shortage of opportunities to volunteer to help people with physical, emotional and spiritual problems.

Dan, I really hope you have a change of heart and will not post more of this private journal. If this is all you can come up with to put on your blog, perhaps it's time to call it quits.

[kels]

"This is not some piece of pulp fiction meant to entertain the great unwashed."

Dave, I think you're the only one who looks at it that way.

My response after reading this was "that sounds a little like me." Like this Anonymous Overeater, I have moments of clarity when I confront my food issues, but mostly I push these realizations down and ignore what I'm doing.

I am confident that none of the other readers perceive this as a "side show" display. Some readers without addictive personalities get a glimpse of what it's like to be out of control, and some, like me, will be helped by this person's situation that resembles our own.

If the diary's author were to stumble across this site, she should be glad to see the support and well-wishes we are offering. I wish I had the bravery to admit to myself the things she wrote about in this workbook.

Thank you, Dan. You did good for me by posting this.

[Jayne]

Sorry Kels...I can see your points, but I'm with Dave on this one.

=(

[Justin]

Interesting comments - I had a totally different reaction from Dave, and Jayne, but I'm glad to see another perspective through their posts.

My thoughts: Reading this entry, for many people, may be the first realization that they're not alone in their struggles with food issues, etc. Is it 'ethical/right/etc.' for Dan to publish? Maybe/maybe not . . . if it results in someone seeking the help they need, does that make it okay? I guess I'm with Dave/Jayne, after much thought - it would be more appropriate if she or he published his or her thoughts on their own. Still, I'm always amazed at the power of our own words, and sharing our own stories.