There is this guy here at work that I have a super-huge crush on.
He's about my height, but much heavier, perhaps what some people would refer to as "scary looking." And he's very soft-spoken, very kind, he giggles at his own jokes. I love it. Every once in a while he meanders over to where I am, with a funny story of something crazy he saw or someone who got on his nerves. The latter stories often revolve around his wife. But when he talks about her, he smiles. He smiles a lot.
Here in Miami very few people watch MTV, so my act of meeting people once again starts at square one. And I have entirely different social circles here, casual friendships with people who wouldn't care to think about the gayness of whom they're talking to. They just talk. People speak to me differently. It's refreshing.
Today I was sitting outside, where the smokers smoke; I was just checking my phone messages, diatribes from one gay man after another, drama (delete) drama (delete) drama (delete). And whoomp, the table jerked as he sat down next to me. There were 3 other empty tables, but he plopped his (amazing!) butt down next to me with a quick upward-jerk of his head as he reached for his lighter. And of course I just sat there, while I tried to keep my eyelids still, instead of flaring open so wide my eyeballs would pop out of my head. I almost died. But I kept it cool. It was after he sat, though, when a few other guys wandered over and started talking about nothing. That made me nervous...playground nervous. I'm 32. And I was nervous.
A few minutes later I felt myself float out of my body and hover over the crowd, watching myself chat along. Is that me trying to be butch? Is that really me trying to be cool? I actually heard myself say "Hey bro," and, like, mean it. I also may have said a few things like "yo" and whatever. I looked ridiculous. Actually, I looked perfectly fine, but if someone actually knew me they would have thought I was being an idiot.
Then everyone wandered away back to work and I was by myself again.
I don't feel like a guy often.
It was strange.