Can you cry?
When something happens, something that makes you sad, or upset, or frustrated, can you let it out?
I laugh out loud. Often. I yell when I'm angry. Once in a while. I say what's on my mind. I don't hold anything back.
I can't cry. I get upset, I want to let it out, and it's just stuck.
I can cry on camera, no problem. Tears flow, sob sob sob, and I'm over it. But when I'm alone, I fester. I sit, I worry, I obsess. And I give myself a stomach ache. I try to cry, but it won't work.
I cried when my grandmother died. I cried when my dog died, although that took a week to kick in. I cried when I moved out of my boyfriend's house, although he only got one tear. One big fat tear, and that was it. And that was partially a tear of joy, to be honest, so it doesn't count for much. All that was a few years ago. And since then...nada.
Several years ago I dated a guy for a few months. He was nice, but there was no spark. I broke it off, amicably. And we were great friends--to the point I introduced him to another friend of mine. I thought they would get along.
They fell in love immediately.
I wasn't ready for that.
THe jealousy literally felt like my guts were being ripped out. And every morning I would wake up, get into the shower, stand in the steam and just cry, long quiet cries with the water hitting me on the back of my head. After a few weeks I didn't feel anything, I just stood there and it happened. Then I'd get out of the shower, get dressed, and take the train to work. It went on like this for about six weeks. That was, I think, five years ago? Six? A while.
Now I can't cry at all. I wish I could. I have a headache from everything being bottled up. And rather than sitting here staring out a window, I want to just get over it. And I'd be able to, if I could get it out of my head. It would feel so good, just to be able to relax.