AMERICAN IDOL

Okay, look. I know writing about American Idol is totally cliche' and lame.

That's NOT GOING TO STOP ME.

For your reference: the contestants are listed here.

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Dear Blake Lewis,

I would very much like it if you would come to my apartment and sing Keane songs to me while we lay in bed together. It will need to be a fast romance, as you are probably going to start "beat-boxing" next week, and the year 1987 will take you back to where such artistry belongs. But until you leave me, we can have this one shining moment together, with you, and me, and your silly little face singing with that beautiful voice of melancholy. With all it's flaws, and pitch problems, and weird intonations, it was just lovely. Thank you very much.

Sincerely,

Dan Renzi, who thinks you are, for the time being, the bee's knees

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Dear Sundance Head,

What the hell were you thinking? "Knights In White Satin?" Oh dear. I realize in about three weeks you are going to stop being such a wimp, you'll grow a pair, and you'll start to sing the shit out of the microphone with a voice that slices the air into tiny pieces. And from then on you'll be amazing. So I'm going to try to be patient with you while you pussy-foot around with all this boring safe garbage. But please make it easy, lest I grow frustrated and give up.

Sincerely,

Dan Renzi, who hopes your meek personality doesn't screw this up for you

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Dear Paul Kim,

Please stop bouncing your hand on every note you sing like you are the lost member of Boys II Men. It's more distracting than your dirty naked feet. And they broke up years ago, that whole thing is over.

Sincerely,

The "Stop With All The Distractions And Just Sing" Police

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Dear Chris Richardson,

You're lucky you're cute.

Sincerely,

Dan Renzi, who thinks you will receive much hype but then not have much materialize, sorry

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Dear Jared Kotter,

Almost.

Good performance? Nice voice? Attractive?

...almost.

You better think of something.

Sincerely,

the truth

~~~

Dear Phil Stacey,

I would like to congratulate you on your impending success in this competition, as you could quite possibly win the entire thing. But might I recommend wearing hats, or some type of head accessory, since the baby-soft head skin on your bald head and that misty backlighting makes you look like one of Jerry's Kids.

Rock on. Don't screw yourself with bad song choices.

Sincerely,

Dan Renzi, who thinks you are the next sleeper candidate, a la a male Kelly Clarkson

Comments

[Queen Lena]

I love "Knights in White Satin." =(

[Carl]

I loved Phil Stacey...I voted for him A LOT..I hope he makes it far!

[seb]

dan, kelly clarkson was never a sleeper candidate. as soon as the top 10 hit, she definitely stood out. the only thing that stood out more was justin's hair

[VanJoe]

It should be noted that Sundance Head is the contestant chosen by votefortheworst.com this year, and going by the predictions at dialidol.com he's winning so far for the men, so he's pretty much guaranteed for top 12.

[Chad A]

Not about Idol, but you're new picture... do you have a mirror over your bed? How, um..., retro of you...

[Chad A]

okay - bad spelling. bad! I meant 'your' obviously...

[Coy]

I heart Jared Kotter.

[Glenn C.]

Last night's show was TERRIBLE!!! It felt like a high school talent show and not America Idol. It was the worst show in the history of Idol. Can these guys sing or did they pick the wrong song? I think it was just nerves in most cases but they shouldn't have nerves. And if they do they shouldn't have been cast. Blake and Chris Richardson gave the only to decent performances. I sure hope the girls do better. That one guy who sang the Stevie Wonder song should never made it past the first audition. I can't even pronounce his name and even I could sing better.

[Glenn C.]

Dan, I love your new pic. I wish I could jump in that bed and cuddle with you! ;)

[Yummsh]

Jack Osbourne for the win!

[D]

Last night sucked so much. Horrible. I was PRAYING that Sanjaya would come out singing 9 to 5... that's about the only thing that could have saved that whole mess.

[tekay]

Dan, dan, dan: A few comments, because well.

Blake is moreso a vocal percussionits, which has been dumbed down for the masses so that they can understand, you should hear him actually drum and you can tell the difference. It's a sought after skill in the contemporary a cappella world. Check out http://www.casa.org or http://www.rarb.org for more information. He was in a band called Kickshaw out of Seatlle, which is how he probably knew Rudy, currently in a band called m-pact that was based in Seattle before moving to LA.

And Boyz II Men, still together from what I've heard and seen.

Can't believe Brandon blew it like he did, or Chris' flailing...way to represent us geeky fatties! The gay 5-timer AJ had my vote for the best performance. Nick looked like a schlub during the recap while standing at the mic. oy.

[Yvan in Montreal]

I have to agree with Coy on this one, the whole thing was just bad and boring. The only good part was when Chris S. zinged Simon's super crap group IL DIVO, that was sweet! The look on Simon's face, Chris is soooooo DOA!

[Amanda]

I totally agree with you about Phil Stacey. He's my pick to be the final boy, I just hope the girls are better than the boys were last night, because I wasn't really that impressed with anyone.

[Mr. Manager (Vern)]

OMG! I love Blake too! I wrote a whole posting on him.

Excellent observations, by the way, Dan. You should replace Paula.

I start my season as a judge on the Malaysian local reality show Gang Starz this Sunday. Can't wait to bitch on national tv!!!

[lizzie]

Oh, Dan. Clearly you have never heard Kid Beyond. Please seek him out ASAP. He's a beatboxer/live-looper, and he's effing fantastic. See him live if you ever have the opportunity.

Also, I would like to date Sundance. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm sure there's a rehab for it somewhere.

[Standardprince]

THE GIRLS KICKED ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

[Reed]

You really think Phil Stacey should win? I'd choose a female contestant if I were you. Or stick with Blake Lewis. But that's just me, who pathetically blogs about AI daily at watchingamericanidol.com.

[tammilani]

P.S. Sundace, your stubby fingers are inappropriate for close ups...clench your fists or keep them out of camera view.

[Hephaestion]

I think Melinda will win. She's the bomb. Though even I am tired of Simon telling her how much he likes her. Simon aside, I think she is wonderful and adorable.

I can't stand Phil Stacey, though. Yuk. He's so ugly he just makes me incapable of listening to him... and the fact that he is in the homophobic US military doesn't make me like him any extra either...