Okay, look. I know writing about American Idol is totally cliche' and lame.
That's NOT GOING TO STOP ME.
For your reference: the contestants are listed here.
Dear Blake Lewis,
I would very much like it if you would come to my apartment and sing Keane songs to me while we lay in bed together. It will need to be a fast romance, as you are probably going to start "beat-boxing" next week, and the year 1987 will take you back to where such artistry belongs. But until you leave me, we can have this one shining moment together, with you, and me, and your silly little face singing with that beautiful voice of melancholy. With all it's flaws, and pitch problems, and weird intonations, it was just lovely. Thank you very much.
Dan Renzi, who thinks you are, for the time being, the bee's knees
Dear Sundance Head,
What the hell were you thinking? "Knights In White Satin?" Oh dear. I realize in about three weeks you are going to stop being such a wimp, you'll grow a pair, and you'll start to sing the shit out of the microphone with a voice that slices the air into tiny pieces. And from then on you'll be amazing. So I'm going to try to be patient with you while you pussy-foot around with all this boring safe garbage. But please make it easy, lest I grow frustrated and give up.
Dan Renzi, who hopes your meek personality doesn't screw this up for you
Dear Paul Kim,
Please stop bouncing your hand on every note you sing like you are the lost member of Boys II Men. It's more distracting than your dirty naked feet. And they broke up years ago, that whole thing is over.
The "Stop With All The Distractions And Just Sing" Police
Dear Chris Richardson,
You're lucky you're cute.
Dan Renzi, who thinks you will receive much hype but then not have much materialize, sorry
Dear Jared Kotter,
Good performance? Nice voice? Attractive?
You better think of something.
Dear Phil Stacey,
I would like to congratulate you on your impending success in this competition, as you could quite possibly win the entire thing. But might I recommend wearing hats, or some type of head accessory, since the baby-soft head skin on your bald head and that misty backlighting makes you look like one of Jerry's Kids.
Rock on. Don't screw yourself with bad song choices.
Dan Renzi, who thinks you are the next sleeper candidate, a la a male Kelly Clarkson