DEAR DAN--THURSDAY

"Readers' questions" week continues. Are you ready for this one? (All personal details omitted for privacy.)

 

 

Dear Dan,

I need a little perspective on a situation. My boyfriend just told me he was HIV+. He said he had gotten tested a few months ago and found out, but he didn't know how to tell me. Our sexual behavior was very low risk, so he didn't feel like I was in danger. I got tested the next day and I was negative. I still loved him and thought I could make the situation work.

Over the week I tried to ask him some questions about the situation, but he was very evasive. The more I pondered the situation, the more I realized I didn't have every piece of the puzzle. Yesterday I was at his house, and I decided to snoop around. I know it was wrong, but I wanted to know the truth. I found prescriptions and insurance information dating back several years. He had the disease and knew about it from the day he met me.

I just feel so betrayed and lied to, and hurt. Hurt is an understatement. I still love him, I think. We were building a life together. How wrong were his actions? Are they forgiveable? Can you move on after something like that? If someone you loved did that to you, what are you supposed to do? Thanks for listening.

Response below:

 

 

 

 

This is really heavy.

The good news: When you say "Our sexual behavior was very low risk," I presume that means you were either (a) not engaging in intercourse, only performing oral sex, and you were keeping fluids out of your mouth; or (b) always using condoms when you do perform intercourse, regardless of who is "on top." (Sex can sound so unromantic when you write about it in clinical terms.) That tells me he was aware of how it could be spread to you, and was being careful. As long as you use condoms when you do the Big Nasty, and he doesn't have an orgasm in your mouth, you're alright. So that's good. If you continue practicing this safe behavior, I am quite certain you will never get the virus from him.

This Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) is really hard to get, despite the hype. Think about it: you can get the flu virus just from touching a door handle, or even breathing someone else's air. But HIV, you can only get it if the HIV+ person actually puts his (or her) fluids into your bloodstream; and in your case, that would be if you had intercourse without a condom. SO DON'T EVER DO THAT. TOP OR BOTTOM, DOESN'T MATTER. EVER. And you should be fine.

Now for the bad news:

By not telling you he was completely lying to you. HIV is, for all practical purposes, a disease that can kill you if you get it. All this business about it being "manageable" is true, if you are lucky enough to be a person who responds to the medication. Unfortunately, if you don't have health insurance, currently there is a waiting list to get the medicine from the government in many cities. Thanks, George Bush. And only about 70% of the people who take the pills are responsive...meaning 30%, the medicine doesn't work well. Which side of that equation would you end up on? No way to know until it's too late.

I say this because, unfortunately, it is still possible to catch HIV from him even if you are being careful. What if you had too much to drink and had sex once without condoms? What if a condom broke?!? It happens...would he have told you then? There are options for you, if you go to your doctor immediately. But then...you wouldn't think about those options, if you didn't know you needed to. It's a very scary "what-if" question.

Don't fool yourself into presuming he didn't tell you because he really cared about you, and didn't want to scare you away, blah blah blah. This has nothing to do with his feelings for you. If he really really cared, he would have told you from the beginning. You must remember: he has always put his own best interest before yours. And I'm sure he'll give you a "I didn't tell you because this is so hard for me" line at some point, but you can't let him say that. If he had told you at the beginning...even near the beginning...then yes, it is your responsibility to be supportive. People who treat HIV+ people like lepers are assholes. But that moment is long gone.

People make mistakes, people make huge mistakes, and they are still just mistakes. Maybe that's what happened here. But then, sometimes people are selfish, terribly horribly selfish. No one can decide what the reason is, except for you.

But don't fool yourself into forgiving him just because you, like everyone on Earth, wants to be in love. Putting someone's life in danger is not "love."

PS: Legally he can get into lots of trouble for this. Lots, and lots of trouble. People go to jail for not telling their HIV status, even if they didn't infect the person they had sex with AND used condoms! Crazy but true. It's no joke, it's not overly-dramatic, it's the truth. He is legally bound to tell you his HIV status.

If I were you, I would make this the first thing I'd mention. Politley, of course.

Comments

[Kathy]

See, Dan, this is why we read you. It's not just for the news clips of your ballroom dancing coverage. (Although, that was one of the best things EVER!)
Thanks for putting this up. I think people forget. Or maybe I'm just naive.

[blackbird]

So
wise.

Brilliant too.

[Michael]

Good advice, Dan, but I must quibble with some of the details: condoms do NOT offer 100% protection from the virus, and just because he doesn't come in your mouth doesn't mean you're not exposed to virus in pre-come.

Yes, taking these precautions (or better yet, using a condom during oral sex, but that's a losing battle) will reduce your chances of infection nearer to zero, but they are not zero.

If your friend is really in love with this guy, and believes his guy is actually in love with him, they can work things out and by being careful his risk is ultra-low, but he needs to know that there is no "Totally Safe."

[Liz]

"You must remember: he has always put his own best interest before yours."

THANK YOU DAN! Your dear reader must realize we would all like to be in a relationship, but we each deserve a spiritually, emotionally, and physically healthy one. When should he have been told about the status of his lover? In my opinion- day one. With holding information is manipulation. Period.

[Dean]

I could understand not telling on a first date (assuming the relationship didn't get too physical on the first date.) But once things get past the heavy petting stage, it's time to bring it up.

[chuck]

i'm curious if you hear any follow-up past this now, dan.

and great response to his letter.

[Anthony]

Dan, great response. One follow up recommendation would be to explore these issues in couples therapy to assess whether or not the relationship is salvageable. I've worked with several serodiscordant couples who practiced safe sex; however, this person's issue lies in not being told the truth about his partner's status before the relationship began. I would also question whether the person who sent this letter explicitly asked about HIV status prior to beginning a sexual relationhip. You never know the heuristics that people use when engaging in sex - without a frank discussion of HIV and STD's prior to the onset of a sexual relationship, people rationalize sexual behavior based on truly bizarre and strange thinking.

[Kelly]

To the reader that sent this in:

Your boyfriend completely disregarded your health, safety & TRUST by not being up front with you.

He exposed you to a potentially deadly disease, one that millions of people suffer from & die from every single day.

He didn't think of you. He was thinking of himself. He was afraid that you wouldn't like him if he told you. It's a stigma that he has to live with every single day. And knowing how hard it is to get people to see him for him & not the disease that he acquired he should have had enough RESPECT for you to let you make the decision. Instead he took your life into his own hands.

You need to leave him. If he is willing to lie to you about this HUGE issue then what else is he willing to lie to you about?

For me the issue isn't whether or not you should stay with him because he has HIV, the issue is that he is selfish & has little to no regard to your feelings.

Run don't walk away from him. He's no good!

[Liz]

Kelly- I agree. It's not about the status, it's about the dishonesty from the beginning.

Dean- You're right. Once it get's physical it's time to mention it. That's pretty much right away for many people.

[John Moroney]

Wow...this is a really difficult one.

As an HIV+ person, I can relate to the boyfriend's situation. You haven't experienced rejection like you do when you tell someone and their face, demeanor and attitude towards you changes in the blink of an eye.
I must admit that I have behaved like this in the past...but it was not out of deception it was out of fear. I always took the precautions to have incredibly safe sex, because I understood the choice I was making and I would never be able to live with myself if I knew that I had willingly or unwillingly infected someone.

Obviously, we have one side of the story here - I'm not condoning what the boyfriend did AT ALL. But I've done it and it was wrong.

If I was to take an offense posture, I would ask our dear, sweet victim if he bothered to ASK his boyfriend's HIV status before they hopped into bed. Responsibility, in a perfect world, should work both ways.

It's all very nice for you to pontificate about this...but I only caution you to be careful. You would not believe how awful it has been on this side of the HIV fence. Even those of you who profess to understand and accept proffer a condescension and unintended pity that is every bit as damaging as the scorn of others.

No one likes to feel like they are a pariah - even from someone with the best intentions. The fear of being ostracized in the gay community, for most gay men, is on the same level as snakes and public speaking.

The fact is that HIV is a scary scary disease. And because people don't talk about it like they did ten years ago doesn't mean that it is anything to forget about. The fact is that statistics show that unprotected sex is up, which means people have forgotten - or they're just dumb. The best we can do is continue to educate each other constantly about it and never never forget what this insidious virus can do.
Just be careful, my friends, about the strong stance you take, lest ye smite yourself with your own rhetorical sword.

Dan, I appreciate your stance on this - I think your response was passionate and mostly fair, if not a little heavy handed.

[Jesse]

If you have a deadly disease it is your responsibility to tell the other person you have it.

Sorry John, I totally disagree. Political correctness can go to hell, protecting people's feelings be damned, all of it. If you have a deadly disease, it is your responsibility to alert someone if you are possibly going to infect them.

We all have a responsibility to protect ourselves, yes--but I have asked people if they have HIV, and they lied. It's not up to the person asking. If you have it, you need to tell someone, and before you are starting to have sex. No one said life was fair. It's not fair you have to tell everyone you have HIV, which unfortunately turns some people off. But it's more "not fair" for someone to have sex with you and not know they could be infecting themselves with something.

I agree with Dan 100%.

[Glenn C.]

To the guy who wrote that his partner was positive and didn't tell him until years later- Get Out of there AS FAST AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN and then get a good lawyer!!! And think of all the other things that he hasn't told you. What other STDs does he have? And who else has he been sleeping with and possibly infected???

[Todd]

Here's my approach, (when I was in the dating scene, and you never know whom you can trust): Assume everyone you meet is HIV+ until you learn otherwise. Practice safe sex at all times. If you are afraid of any risk (however minute), don't have sex. You need to take responsibility for yourself first and foremost ... and determine what level of risk you are willing to accept.

The issue with the letter writer seems more about dishonesty than the HIV+ issue.

[melissa]

I totally think this girl should run the guy is a liar regardless of his reasoning.I have a solution to this problem in the future & is what I do,I demand that they are screened for ALL std's & I see the doctors results & I return the favor .I know it seem's exteme but that's the only way you can be sure ,this also means you'll take a little longer before hop into bed which means you'll find out if they really deserve to be given something that special.I know that sounds so 1950's but as a reformed super slut I know both sides of the sexy fence

[Ed]

To the left, to the left....mmmm

First of all, you have to put that Beyonce CD in the stereo (playing it off your iPod works too) and play Irreplaceable. That criminal is going to be out of your life from now on and this is your anthem. I can't believe positive guys don't tell people of their status. That is so fucking selfish. Yes I understand the fear of rejection, etc. etc. but it's the right thing to do. What a jerk!

But I gotta say this to the person who wrote the letter: YOU'RE A FUCKING DUMBASS! I don't care how unromantic it is to ask someone of their status and whatnot, but you have to be responsible when having sex. The first thing must do even before the clothes is off is ask the person if they have an STD or something they want to warn you about. I know how uncomfortable it is and possibly rude to ask this, but if you care about your own health then you must do this bitch. When I ask sex partners this I do it jokingly, but make sure to bring it up and get a direct response from the person, that's with a condom. When it's without a condom then I make sure to be dead serious about this subject and will only accept a verbal yes or no. I would never have sex with someone who has an STD, even if I loved the guy. Not even some Jack and Ennis type love could make me have sex with you.

If you would have bothered to ask then you wouldn't be in this emotional mess. If you really care about him and would have sex with him still after knowing he's positive then think of yourself as a widow now. The jerk is dead from now on, loving him not even an option anymore, well you can love him, but it's like loving James Brown, he can be your long lost love that you write 'I miss you' poems about, but honey please don't do that to yourself. It's a waste of time and energy. Nobody likes a wallower. You need to play that Beyonce song and celebrate that you're single again. Natasha Bedingfield's song "Single" works too.

[August]

Melissa, why are you assuming that the letter to Dan was a girl? Dan refers to TOP or BOTTOM in his response so most likely it's a gay relationship.

That's just a hideous thing not telling someone & I've had it happen to me as well.

[Coy]

Yes! to assuming that everyone is hiv+ unless they tell you otherwise. And yes, those who are infected should be forthcoming with thier status info. But we all know... people lie. SOOOOOO, then YOU must take responsibility and make sure there is a condom used at all times.

I agree with most others, the larger issue is honesty and trust. Without them a
relationship doesn't have much to stand on.
How can there be trust when a lie of this magnitude has been dealt? Cut your losses.