The sun wakes me up early, so I usually get to work before anyone else. If I beat my boss, I sit outside and wait for her to unlock the door. I don't care, I just drink café con leche and watch people go by, making up stories about what I think their lives are like. It's nice, living in my head. With all these delusions, I'm never bored.
Every day at 9:15 a guy comes around the corner from one of the offices down the hall, holding a bathroom key on a long steal-proof keychain and a magazine. He wears cargo shorts which cut off right beneath the knee highlighting his big muscly calves, a baseball cap, and a hoodie sweatshirt that is entirely inappropriate for the Miami summer but attractive on him nonetheless. I think he works for one of the music labels in this building, maybe Universal. When he walks, he shuffles. And he shuffles right by me into the bathroom to have some self-time with that magazine of his.
Today everyone was a little late to work; I waited in the hall for a while. And that meant I couldn't help but notice Hoodie guy was in that bathroom for almost a half-hour. When he came out, he saw me still sitting in the hall, and he looked at me like Yeah, so what? And shuffle, shuffle away he went. I'm amazed he could walk, his legs must have fallen asleep after all that time on the can.
Always the cargo shorts, always the hoodie sweatshirt, always the baseball cap. Always the shuffle shuffle. And he certainly is regular, I'll give him that.
I hope we never officially meet, I already know far too much about him. Once you know someone's bathroom habits, the magic is lost. When I get married, I'm going to keep all that secret for as long as possible. I'll request a 2-bathroom honeymoon suite, so he doesn't know what's really going on in there, thank you very much. If there's not one available...hopefully they'll have bathrooms in the lobby or something, I don't know.
You are so damn cute.
Posted by:amanda | August 31, 2006 at 07:11 AM
What Amanda said.
Posted by:blackbird | August 31, 2006 at 08:08 AM
I believe the answer to all this lies in the question 'What is the magazine?'...
Posted by:Chad | August 31, 2006 at 08:12 AM
That is VERY amusing! I have to side with Chad....what is the magazine?
Posted by:Kevin | August 31, 2006 at 08:40 AM
Yeah Dan, so what is the magazine? You are so cute Amanda is right...
Posted by:Beth | August 31, 2006 at 11:45 AM
Who cares about the damned magazine?!? They're, like, Sports Illustrated and Rolling Stone and stuff. I don't know. It's not like he's walking in there with porn.
Wait, that would make things very interesting. I'll have to keep an eye out for that from now on.
Posted by:dan | August 31, 2006 at 02:50 PM
As George proved on Seinfeld - it doesn't have to be porn. Georgie liked his mother's Glamour magazine. In fact, when you first discribed the situation with Hoodie Boy, that is what I was thinking.. you could be right, and the guy could be in desperate need of fiber.
Or, he's procrastinating at work....
Posted by:GroovyYaYa | August 31, 2006 at 05:55 PM
Oh, yeah. Anyone who relies upon reading material on the john really needs supplemental fiber.
Posted by:Iconoclast | August 31, 2006 at 07:01 PM
so...you work for a record label????
Posted by:allmex | August 31, 2006 at 07:58 PM
I dunno Dan. I agree, that's truly too much info. You obviously have noticed him, but trust your instincts.
Posted by:johnO | September 01, 2006 at 12:14 AM
Dan did not say he worked for a record label but that the hoodie guy did. Maybe he had a copy of Blueboy or Freshmen with him and he was wacking off to hot sexy twinks. Or maybe he is a nelly bottom and had a copy of Men.
Posted by:Glenn C | September 01, 2006 at 02:52 AM
Oh Glenn - that's called 'too much information'
Posted by:Chad | September 01, 2006 at 04:34 AM
No, Glenn, it's not. Please go on. In detail. Please.
Posted by:Aidan | September 01, 2006 at 07:22 AM
The hoodie might be necessary equipment if his office is kept as cold as mine in the summer.
Posted by:Iconoclast | September 01, 2006 at 02:23 PM
i love to make up interesting and scandalous stories about people. i actually try to get my daughter and son to participate in this activity. to no avail. at least my 13 year old, emo/punk son laughs at the stories. glad to see i'm not the only one.
Posted by:pam | September 01, 2006 at 04:21 PM
I remember that episode of Will & Grace where Jack could tell the sexuality of the guy in question by the magazines he had in his bathroom...
Posted by:Beth | September 01, 2006 at 05:59 PM
Dan, I agree with your thoughts on privacy in the bathroom. The secret to a happy relationship is separate bathrooms (at least that is my theory).
Posted by:Philip | September 03, 2006 at 08:11 AM
dan, thought of you while in Austin last weekend, it was a blast at oilcan and fabric! On ly wish I could have stayed down there for ACL....glad you got to the west coast. have a great week!
dan in OK city
Posted by:dan O | September 05, 2006 at 03:56 PM
Aidan:
Maybe I will write a story about it on my blog. :P
Posted by:Glenn C | September 07, 2006 at 10:57 PM
Didn't you christen my bathroom about five minutes after you walked into my apartment?
Posted by:Charlie | September 09, 2006 at 12:18 PM
> I remember that episode of Will & Grace where Jack could tell the sexuality of the guy in question by the magazines he had in his bathroom...
Unless it's Vanity Fair...
Posted by:Scott | September 18, 2006 at 05:11 PM
I have a friend who, when he is hungover, sleeps for 15 minute increments on his work bathroom floor. Now, he assures me that its the executive, private, CLEAN bathroom floor, but he doesn't have me convinced.
I should tell him to take a magazine in from now on, to give him a better alibi.
Posted by:Betsy | September 19, 2006 at 11:30 AM