Here we go--if you're just joining us, my angry-white-guy, rockin'-the-suburbs brother has graciously agreed to recap Project Runway, from his point of view. If you who missed the season premiere, read below.
And there are, what, 15 people in the cast this year? There's a lot to discuss. The recap is long. Go along for the ride.
We're not gonna talk about the whole first hour of "road to the runway" preview, it totally sucked ass. So boring. Everyone is introduced, blah blah blah, let's all talk about how Project Runway will make you famous. Great. No one cares. And the first real episode is just everyone being introduced, nothing really happens yet, y'know?
So the first real episode starts with this dude Malan. And it's pronounced "Milan" like the city in Italy, and he says My name is Malan Breton and I'm from Taiwan, like it's a little rhyme. Malan Breton from Taiwan Malan Breton from Taiwan. Like he purposely speaks in rhymes. And he's walking down the street, and you can see the reflections of the buildings off his head as he walks by because he has, like, an entire bottle of gel in his hair. Maybe that's cool in Taiwan, I don't know. And he talks like he's British, but not really British, just sorta like Madonna-British, and he's all Here I am, walking down the street / I believe I'm going to meet / all the designers I'm going to beat! and he swoops into the apartment to go look down his nose at everyone. Whatever, I'm pretty sure he wears women's underwear.
So he goes in and he meets this guy Michael, who says he's into hip-hop and stuff, and Michael is like Wassup, muthafuckas, you ready to be skool'd? 'Cause I'm layin' it down TIIIIIGHT! and he's already talking big game. And then everyone else shows up, and they talk about where they used to work, like there's this queeny guy Robert who goes I used to make clothes for Barbie dolls! and there's this lady Bonnie who's all Oh yeah? Well I used to make tennis clothes for Serena Williams! Suck on that!but I wouldn't brag too much about that, some of those Serena Williams outfits were really ugly. Making Barbie clothes is a lot cooler than that Serena Williams crap-tasticness. And there is this blond chick Alison who is totally hot and they showed pictures of her modeling her own clothes, and her boobs were hanging out in some of them. So that was alright. I hope she does good. So they all hang out for a while, and then they all go up to the roof to meet Heidi and Tim and get fucked up on champagne.
Oh, and then there's this lady Laura Bennett, who looks like my friend's mom, and her big thing is that she has five kids and she works as an architect, and she's like You think Project Runway is hard? Try making breakfast for five kids! They show a clip of her at home, and she's all dressed up, and she's like Just because I work all the time and raise five kids doesn't mean I have to wear sweats and drive a minivan! I kick ass! because she always wears suits or whatever. And they show her standing there in a turtleneck, looking really rich and high-society, and she looks good. And then they show her five little kids all running around in circles with baseball bats beating the hell out of each other. And she's just ignoring them like Whatever, I don't care, if they kill each other, I'll just wear this turtleneck to the funeral.
Anyway--so they're up on the roof, right? And Heidi and Tim are there, and Tim is like Hello, and welcome, my little peanuts!and Heidi is like You are pathetic! Quit now and don't waste my time by making me kick you off! Gehen bumsen sich! and then they tell them their first assignment is to make clothes out of stuff they can find in their apartments. Like, they have to go back down and take the curtains, the sheets, the trash bags, whatever, and use it to make a dress or something. So they all go running down and Michael is all Moooooove, bitch! Get out the way! and he strong-arms a couple of people on his way down the stairs, and they all start shredding the apartments and take everything. They cut the fabric off the mattresses and the chairs, everything. It's all trashed. And they go to the school and they start sewing.
So they start making their clothes, and this guy Jeffrey, who looks like he got lost on his way to a Korn concert, he's all I'm the man! I'm going to be the next Santino!, but too bad his dress looks like a pile of dirty clothes. Then Michael is making a dress out of coffee filters, and it's pretty cool I think, and this guy Kayne is looking at it, going This dress is so fresh! It's fresher than a room spritzed with Febreeze! And Michael looks at him like Whaaat? and he's all Go Febreeze yo' own shit, fairy! and he just keeps sewing on coffee filters. Whatever that meant. Then Mrs. Bennett is cutting up the bathroom rug and making it into a big furry collar for a coat, and she's gluing these little mirrors around the bottom that look pretty cool, and she's like My coat is gorgeous! It's so New York! and Malan is sitting next to her, and he's like Please do make a note / I don't mean to gloat / but I just love your coat! and she's like Yeah you do! Recognize the master, bitch! and then she just blows him off and keeps sewing, so he adjusts his brastrap and works on his own thing, which is a coat made out of a rug or something, it looks pretty cool too. I bet Malan Breton from Taiwan and Mrs. Bennett become friends.
But a lot of the clothes are ass, like there's this lady Stacey who has no idea what she's doing, and she's freaking out , going My sewing machine broke! Someone help me! I need to fix the needle! and Robert is like Not a chance bitch and she's like It's broken! I need to sew everything by hand! and the other designers are like Uh, your machine works fine, you just don't know how to use it, you idiot! How the hell did she get on this show? Whatever. She pins together a dress out of the white shower curtain. Then there's this guy Vincent, who has a mouth as big as Guy Smiley from Sesame Street. I swear, the whole top of his head is going to snap off from his jaw and fall off backwards. POP! And he screams everything he says. I don't know why. I think maybe it's so he can hear himself talk over the voices in his head. So he makes a dress with these weird wicker pocket flaps, and he thinks it's a little weird so he makes a hat out of a basket to match. And he's running around like I LOVE THIS WACKY BASKET HAT! screaming it like he screams everything. And everyone is like Good thing he's here, he'll get cut before I do.
Then this guy Keith is going I am so talented! I have the best taste out of everyone! like he's so great--what's with everyone on this season talking smack all the time?--but he just sucks. Seriously, he says he's so great, but he's walking around on the show in a ratty white t-shirt from The Gap that's so thin you can see the hair growing out of his shoulders. Nasty. I'm not kidding. Keith is a tool. All he makes is a dress out of a blue sheet, and Tim is like Listen, Sasquatch, this boring dress sucks, you need to spice it up! and Keith is like Fuck you, grandpa! but he takes the advice anyway and makes a belt out of a placemat. Big deal.
So the day ends, so they go back to the apartments for the night--and they're still all messed up! Nothing got fixed while they were gone. And they're all like Oh, snap! There's nowhere to sleep! but they lay down on the trash because they're all really tired. And it's like, how fuckin' cheap is Bravo? They made them mess up the apartments and now they have to sleep there. That sucks.
The next day they all go back to get ready for the runway show, and Keith comes in and is like I changed my mind! This has got to go! and he rips off the placemat-belt he put on his dress that Tim told him to put on, so it's this huge scandal that he's going against Tim's suggestion. Dum dum DUUUUUM! No one ever does that.
So they do the runway show, and everyone's models look alright except for Jeffrey's toga girl and Vincent's basket-hat. And the judges keep Sarah, Jeffrey, Guy Smiley, Mrs. Bennett, Robert the Barbie designer guy, and that dickhead Keith, everyone else is safe. And they totally chew out Jeffrey because he's just trying to be Santino, which made him try to act all cool and clench his jaw, but when he stood there his neck tattoos made him look like Nearly Headless Nick from Harry Potter. And they yelled at Vincent for making his model wear a stupid basket on her head when his dress was actually alright. Then they cut Stacey because she doesn't know how to sew.
But the worst part? Keith wins, because he put these big red buttons on the back of his dress and they make Nina the Judge totally cream her panties, she thinks they're so cute. Who gives a damn about some stupid red buttons? I don't get why he won but whatever. He's going to cause a lot of problems on this show, you can tell. And he's all I am the most amazing designer ever! See? Tim Gunn can take his ideas and shove them up his ass! I'm going to win the whole thing! We'll see.