Okay, I'm back with it. Project Runway has won me over again. I would give anything to be a contestant.
~~~
I want to be Laura. I want to wear suits every day for no other reason than to mock soccer-moms and assert my own superiority. I want to lament about the trials and tribulations of raising five children, even though I obviously employ the assistance of nannies, whom I terrorize and occasionally reduce to tears. I want to trim everything I wear with real fur made from dead animals, yet regard adorable household pets as vermin not to be touched. I want to pick fights with "shitheads" just for kicks.
I want to be Michael. I want to talk about designing dresses as if I am talking smack on a basketball court. I want to congratulate myself constantly and repeatedly acknowledge my own talents, yet somehow still be likeable and get away with it. I want to be Laura's temporarily-adopted son, so she will stick up for me and yell at shitheads when they won't let me use the sewing machine. I want to constantly surprise the hell out of everyone by repeatedly demonstrating the fact that I can, in fact, actually sew.
I want to be Jeffrey. I want to refer to my fellow designers' work as "macaroni art." I want to be the driving force who brings back the hand-buzzer. In case the fashion design thing doesn't work out, I want to always be dressed appropriately for an impromptu job as a roadie for OzFest.
I want to be Uli. I want to be the person who will most likely win the entire thing.
I want to be Vincent. I want to never be lonely, because the voices in my head will keep me company. I want to fall into fits of gleeful laughter at the sight of hats. I want to scream everything I say. Oh wait, I already do.
I want to be Bradley. I want to have a pipe strapped under my design table so I can take hits whenever the cameras are off filming Vincent while he chases shiny things. Even if I get a bad high, implode with the pressure of the competition, and stick my head in the sand and give up. Then the judges will think I'm interesting for the show, so they'll make up something nice to say just to keep me around, even though they are bad actors and obviously don't believe the words that are coming out of their own mouths. Because my dress really was ass-ugly. Whatever, anything for another week, must not get kicked off before Skittle-Skirt Angela.
I want to be Kayne. I want to possess the fierce, steely edge of competitiveness one can only develop after working with Oklahoma beauty-queenzillas. I want to have a collection of tiaras I secretly wear when no one is around. I want the ability to take any piece of fabric and sew the hell out of it, to the point the sewing machine will burst into flames. I want to have an absolutely flawless complexion. Wait, does he use makeup?
I want to be Keith. Just kidding, no I don't.
I want to be Robert. I want to be so cute I could just smush myself. I want to not really give a damn what happens in this competition and just have fun with it. I want to have a career designing clothes for Barbie dolls, which is undoubtedly listed on every "cool jobs" website in cyberspace. I want to be a big, nelly bottom. Oh wait, I already...well, you know.
You spelled OzzFest wrong, you big ol' queen.
Nice to have you back, dude.
Posted by: Yummsh | July 27, 2006 at 06:53 PM
I still want to be Malan from Taiwan. I miss him. :(
No no... I want to be Laura or Alison. They're pretty cool too.
Posted by: Jane Jane | July 27, 2006 at 07:35 PM
Guess you dont want to be angela so you too can wear a poofy skirt
Posted by: A-Nonymous | July 27, 2006 at 08:07 PM
I can't beleive I FORGOT it was on last nght... ugh.. what a lousy fag I am... spank....
Posted by: tay hota | July 27, 2006 at 08:13 PM
Michael must be kind-hearted and free of affectation because he continually makes the most beautiful dresses yet never gets any camera time. But the quote of the week had to be this from Robert: "Oh Laura! Always mistaking taste for style!" That was priceless.
Posted by: Irene | July 27, 2006 at 08:55 PM
I want to fall into fits of gleeful laughter at the sight of hats.
Ahahahaha That was the best. That damn dog hat. I loved Uli's whole look and I agree with Irene re: Michael. I still think he should have won with that coffee filter dress. I'm glad you're back, Dan! I love your recaps even more than I love the show, almost. I even got my hetero (at least, I think he's hetero) boyfriend watching PR religiously with me. GLEE GLEE GLEE.
Posted by: mary | July 27, 2006 at 09:37 PM
Oh, I want to be Allison and be cute as a bug's ear and talented and likeable and have that adorable voice.
Laura reminds me of that Seinfeld where Jerry's girlfriend looked either pretty or ugly depending on the light.
Posted by: bluestocking | July 27, 2006 at 10:16 PM
i'm so glad you haven't given up on the show! when's the next recap?
Posted by: maggie Kelly | July 28, 2006 at 07:21 AM
And oddly enough, we all want to be you.
Posted by: David | July 28, 2006 at 08:30 AM
Thank jeezus somebody else recognized the shit from a loom Bradley sent down the runway. I just kept thinking it was an inside joke on the judges part to see which one could compliment it the most without throwing up inside their mouths. Yuk. It looked like a modern art installation "Pumpkin on a Tree Stump". ~Ponder.
Uli and Laura rock! And what the hell is up with Robert and the sunglasses? Does he think he's a rock star or does he just have a raging case of pink eye?
I'm on pins and needles for next week though...
Posted by: Chuck | July 28, 2006 at 08:30 AM
Well done. I am dying to know who gets the boot next week. I have seen the spoiler alerts online, but the previews seem to sway in a different direction...
Posted by: misfithausfrau | July 28, 2006 at 10:12 AM
I love Robert and Kayne. I want them to team up and whoop everyone's asses with their big gay-ness. I think you are right though, I think Uli will win, at least top 3.
Vincent - has GTG. (got to go)
Posted by: Kel | July 28, 2006 at 11:08 AM
Well, personally I find Robert to be REALLY cute... SERIOUSLY cute!
Posted by: Kiks | July 28, 2006 at 11:53 AM
did you hear that laura was preggers with number 6 during this taping?
Posted by: erik | July 28, 2006 at 12:15 PM
I LOVE Laura so far. I think she's so in her own little world and doesn't give a shit what people may think about what she says or does. I still think her coat in the first competition was the coolest ever!
Posted by: johnO | July 28, 2006 at 02:51 PM
If nothing else, just because the coat was so her!
Posted by: johnO | July 28, 2006 at 02:52 PM
I pray Angela wins and that purple/pink balloon pants become the rage, sweeping America. Can't wait to see that happen.
Actually, the best thing about Project Runway is that it introduces us to these fabulous characters.
And the one character I want to lick all over is Robert.
Posted by: Hephaestion | July 28, 2006 at 07:07 PM
Golly, I still suck at their names. Your descriptions did help though.
Posted by: Cazzondria | July 29, 2006 at 07:53 PM
Ahh this was fun to read... I sometimes laugh at lil hats but would never want to be Vincent.. yikes... But Uli seriously agree she may take the whole thing and I also miss Malan on the show :)
Posted by: snowflakebebe | July 30, 2006 at 10:52 AM
Thank god I found this site! I'm not crazy after all, that thing that Bradley sent down the runway was.... as you put it "ass-ugly." I'm glad that I'm not the only one who thought so. But for drama purposes he must remain on the show.
As for Micheal, I think he makes the most beautiful dresses. I agree with you Irene about the coffee filter dress, and it still irks me that he didn't win. They were coffee filters for god's sake! Maybe he should be like Vincent and " fall into fits of gleeful laughter" at the sight of his dresses. Then he too can have more camera time.
Posted by: MiMI | July 30, 2006 at 06:27 PM