Empty Calories

My friend came to me the other day, distraght. "How do you find a boyfriend?" he asked. "I never get asked out." I questioned the four people he'd had sex with the week before...on three separate occasions. (You do the math.) He insisted all of those interludes were different. That was just sex. Now he is looking for love.

I explained it's a lifestyle choice: You're never going to lose the weight until you stop drinking the Diet Coke. One calorie or not, it's still soda. Put yourself in the right frame of mind. Same thing goes for sex: it may mean nothing to my friend, he may be technically "available," but his soul is not where he needs it to be. It was time for my friend to go on a Love Diet.

1) No more one-night stands.
2) No more sex with people you don't want to sleep over.
3) No more letting people sleep over if you don't want to see them again some other day.
4) No more seeing people again if all you do is have sex again.

"It's not just sex," he said. "I talk to them. I don't want to have sex with a guy who is ignorant. We have to have something in common."

I informed him a critical analysis of America's Got Talent, while entertaining, does not a connection make. My friend disagreed. And with that, I realized we had a lot of work to do.

Just then a lovely young man walked by, a supple specimen with an ass that looked like the Gates of Heaven. He saw my friend, he smiled, and he touched himself in a slightly suggestive and not-at-all-discreet manner. How gauche.

My friend's brow furrowed and became depressing. "But can't I have just one more snack?" pleaded he.

I shook my head. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life," I replied. "As of this moment, you are on a Diet." I pointed at the lovely man, who was now nibbling his own lips. "And that, right there, is a whole lot of Empty Calories."

Comments

[Kamasutra Jones]

Awesome story, Dan. I cannot agree with you more. While the body may be available, the soul needs to be, as well. Keep us posted on your friend's journey to love.

[blackbird]

you
are
a
genius.

[Ted]

I have the same problem as your friend and have not dated anyone seriously for 4 years. The other problem guys tend to have is hanging out with their friends at bars/parties and not prospecting for dates. I find that before I know it...the evening is over and I have not met anyone new.

[joey]

Perfect. Just Perfect. I can see this marketed as a book. And of course a movie.

It's just good practical sense. And very well written!

[Chad]

I'm thinking an HBO series - Dan & The City?

I can just see it now, Dan sits by a window looking out on a Miami street with his laptop in front of him.

Cut to text appearing on the screen as he types (with voice over, of course)

'And i couldn't help but wonder... is dating gay men really like drinking Diet Coke?'...

Dan flicks his blonde tips as we fade into...

[amanda]

Thank you so much Dan for opening my eyes for the first time in two years. You said something to me that I really needed to hear. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[David]

Absolutely true. I have been trying to stay on the diet for at least a year now. But once in a while, you just find youself in the baked goods aisle and you want something sweet...then it's back on the treadmill.

[dan]

great POST, bud !! keep it up. later.

[Jennifer]

Man, it sure is different when you're gay. In my world, "I never get asked out" translates into, "I've been asked out once in the last 2 1/2 years, and that guy had a pregnant girlfriend he wanted to cheat on."

Not that I'm bitter!

[bob]

you are horrible at giving advice

[kristin]

Okay, off topic but... Only one day until Project Runway!! Woot woot!!

[maseume]

um....love it.

[k]

I really wish you'd archive your posts; it would be great to be able to find posts like this again in a few years to show some clueless friend, or to kick myself out of the same situation.

[Liz]

Dan,of course you are right and you're talking spritual fitness here. I'm off my booty call. I'm focused and truely open.

[Liz]

Dan, I love you BUT...let the guy have fun. Look he’s not going to be right for ANYONE until he’s “sown his oats”… He just might not be ready to settle down, and that could spell disaster for someone he tries to be committed to and ends up cheating on. He’ll KNOW it when he find “the one” he’s meant to be with.

[DavisMcDavis]

Amen, sister! I totally agreee. I can think of a few of my friends who have been, as Buckwheat says, "wookin' pah nub in all da wong paces." I think they could use your advice.

[Jane]

"It's a generally held principle that it takes 21 days to form a habit."-

Hummm... lets start counting shall we? Heee!

XoxoxoxoX

[kelly]

empty calories... lmfao. good one!! why not try telling your friend to give up booty calls for lent or something next year. and dan... get on the challenges again!!!

[downunderpants]

Hi Dan. Well you said what I wanted to say in my post the other day, and you got to the point a lot quicker!! Everyone's talking about love but are they really serious about it. Your friend is the perfect example. He really doesnt want a boyfriend, he just thinks he does.

[Tim from Radio Clash]

Hmm good call. Convert one sex junkie into a love junkie.

It's more to do whether you see sex as a wash and go thing or as an intimate thing...if it's all performance and ego then of course you won't find someone.

If you dare to *gasp* cuddle someone and talk to them, and keep talking, well you'll make a friend and maybe a lover.

Leave him be, just tell him to drop the performance / numbers shit, and he'll be OK - someone will drop into his life shortly...it always does, when you are NOT looking for it.

[Tim from Radio Clash]

drat it stripped my /sarcasm tag from the first line.

My bad for being meta and pseudo HTML I spose.