Okay, I have to tell this story.

So I've been seeing/dating/whatevering this guy for a few months. Basically since I arrived in Miami.

No big deal, very casual, we're not "boyfriends." He works a lot, I work a lot, we don't talk every day. But then he tells me how much he talks about me to his friends, his friends tell me how much he talks about me, we spend days together at a time, morning to night we don't separate, he gives me his house keys and says I can come over whenever I want, he asks please, stay with me, I can't sleep alone, I need you in bed with me. And we wrap up in each other and sleep like babies, for several nights in a row. Can't get out of bed the next day.

Today I walk in, and he is so happy to see me. I tell him I came over to cook him dinner--but he already had dinner planned! He'll cook instead. How nice. He's not a good cook at all, most of his food is pretty gross, but I eat it anyway, it's not that bad, and I'm happy to eat crappy food every night if someone took the time to cook it. Really, I don't care. And I see the bowls and vegetables all set out, ready to go. He's in the middle of something, so I let him work for a few hours. I wait around.

Then he cooks dinner, and as is usually the case with his cooking, it's awful. I take one bite and pick up the bread. We chat a while, I work up the nerve to take another bite, and I ask him if he wants to go out tonight with my friends. He says I can't. I won't be here. And he smiles and says Don't ask too many questions.

And I put the fork down.

I politely ask Where are you going? He says Just out. And I ask When? He says In a little while. I ask And you're going to stay with him? And he just smiles. But I don't eat any more of the food. He says You don't want any more? and I say No. He probably thinks it's because I lost my appetite, I'm so upset. Really it's because I don't see any reason to be nice and eat that garbage.

What do you do? I don't know. So I start to work here on my computer, in his office. He packs. And then he comes in, wraps his arm around my shoulders and kisses me on the back of my neck, where I like it. And he says Okay, I'm going. Like he's going to work or to the store or someplace where he'll think about me all day. Like I'll be happy to see him when he gets back. Like I'll be here at all.

I'm still in his house. I don't want to touch anything. I used to think it was such a nice place, with the beautiful paintings and the Spanish tile and the yard filled with little lizards that are so cute. Today I thought My brother and his family should come visit, so I can bring my nieces here. They will love running around trying to catch a gecko. Now the house looks cheesy and gross. And so does he.

I don't know what I am doing wrong. I don't know when I screwed up and missed that "nice guy" who I could have had, and now I get guys like this. I tried to be the boyfriend everyone wanted, I tried to make every guy into what I wanted, I learned the lessons. Now I'm just being myself, like I'm supposed to. Yet I find guys who give me their keys and then say Stay here while I go out with someone else.

That's all. I am going to go through his drawers now, and find all my clothes that worked their way into his laundry. I'm going to get my toothbrush off of his sink, my shampoo out of his shower, that bowl from his kitchen from when I brought him cake. That I made. For him. And I'm going to take the keys off my keychain and leave them on his counter, where he will see them and probably not care, because he can always find another guy to sleep in his bed.

I am typing this because I am telling myself I have to do it.

Comments

[anne500]

oh no! this is my very first visit to your blog through fourfour I think and .. dammmmittt! What the hell is with this guy? What is he thinking? Are you sure that is what is going on? He is not going out to buy you presents or something (naive hope springs eternal) ...?

I'm sorry. You deserve much better.

[Tiffany]

Dan, you seriously need a nice guy. I was thinking that the guy you are/were seeing was going out to surprise you with something. Maybe you need to have a relationship and be putting out that energy--and not just have a casual thing.

[Joseph]

People can have such nerve. I imagine you only occupy the time of gentleman, and what gentleman behaves this way? It's so wrong to play with other's emotions.

[desertwind]

If he really has gone out to get you that special ice-cream, bicycle, rowboat, piece of art, great job, flowers. Whatever. Then fine. When he returns with the surprise and you're gone, that's it and you can both laugh about it tomorrow.

If he has not gone out to return with a surprise then he is an emotional fuckwit, a tool and a bastard. He's no good for you.

And you deserve the best -- or at least someone who isn't a creep.

[desertwind]

PS - Do not hesitate to write a note that denigrates his cooking.

[Erica]

Pee on his toothbrush. Or at least dip it in the toilet.

[Weston]

Dan, you're worth a million. Well, more than that, let's say trillion. Dump his stupid ass. You go boy, I love you...stay strong! muah.

[Eric]

I hope while you go through his drawers that you find all the shit he likes and throw it out! God I hate the gays sometimes. It's to bad I like sleeping with men. DOGS. Hang in there buddy.

[Addison]

I'm thinking that the keys coming into your hands should have been a clue. I can't ever remember giving someone keys to the house unless we were dating exclusively and had been seeing each other a while. If you had keys to his house, and weren't in some sort of commitment, that's a red flag. He obviously has no qualms about letting someone into his house or his life without the slightest thought to what something like that entails. I'm not saying you are a bad person, I'm just saying it doesn't seem like he understands boundaries. Just take your stuff, leave, and [d]make sure you douse the drapes in kerosene and light them on the way out.[/d] tell him you two are looking for different things in a partner.

[Erica]

I know I already suggested something.. but I hope you made yourself feel better by catching Kathy Griffin - she was on the Tyra Banks show... I haven't had nearly the 6/6/6 day you've had, but it made me feel better after a crap day.

[JayKay]

I have found that cutting the crotch out of every single pair of his underwear you can find really helps to make you feel better.
Destructive? Yes. Cheap? Oh hell yes. But it'll bring a smile to your face!
(If you feel like being extra nasty, take the scissors to his pants as well).
Hang in there... =)

[rio]

miami is ruthless on the heart and yet i cant wait to get there, for the sake of my heart however i'll wait another year.

[Liz]

Dan- gay men seem to play a lot of head games with one another (not that straight men don't). One major difference I see however, is that woman don't move in and take the bait nearly as fast. You always seem to have a fling/relationship/boyfriend thing going (in this case the minute you hit town)- why is that? You are an attractive gay man and that makes you a target for these types as it does for attractive females who get a lot of male attention. My two cents is this- start getting cautious and stop being a sucker for a few well placed, well timed words- they mean nothing. Actions are everything and it takes time to see the actions. Let someone EARN your trust and respect. I hope you will benefit from my hard earned lessons. XOXO

[Anita]

I've been reading you for a while now, and i just felt that i had to say something this time.. it really sucks! that he had the nerve to do that. But then again it's like they said before about the "mind games", they just love to play them... well if i were you i would walk away as proud as i can and never look back, he doesn't deserve a great guy like you, take care, big kisses!

[Brion]

Good for you, Dan. Obviously, this fellow has no sense at all.

[Kamasutra Jones]

Dan, Welcome (once again) to life as a gay man. And, life in the new millenium, where gay or straight, the rules are "I get mine, and screw you at the same time." By that I don't mean literally screw. It's become a very dog-eat-dog, fag-eat-fag world. Trust me, I went through a living hell for over a year thanks to an ex-boyfriend. That said, I retreated from gay life, got my head about me, and within a month of reentering life again, I found THE greatest man ever. One who doesn't understand these "games" that gay men play. His philosophy? Why do it? It's only energy that could go to loving oneself and loving another. Why play games? THAT is the kind of man you need and deserve. We ALL deserve.

Oh, and I agree with Eric, light his curtains on fire on your way out the door. LOL

[jjd]

u give me hope dan.

[Charlie]

Dan, you're doing the right thing. Suck it up and walk out the door. You can only be treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. xo, buddy!

[Geoffery]

Dan, YIKES so sorry, sounds like a page out of my life. So easy to get sucked in or "picked" by the first hottie in town. (I let it happen to me all the time) I say get out there and start doing all the picking yourself, you are too hot and too cute to be so underutilized. Sometimes keeping busy (dating other men), and keeping things casual, (no overnights, no keys), plenty of sex though helps until I really get to know someone, helps me stay offensive vs defensive. Hang in there!

[Stephanie]

Dan - Well, I really hope that you did it. That you took all your stuff and left, because the guy, is a selfish jerk. Who does that?? Selfish Jerks, that's who! Don't put up with it! You are a million times better than that, and you WILL find that guy that fits with you perfectly. That won't make you feel insecure about your feelings and that will crave your attention just as much as you crave his.

Be confident!! I'm sending good vibes to Miami right now, can you feel them?

[Denise]

((((hugs))))

That was horrible and nasty, what he did to you. Dan, you deserve better, and you shouldn't let this get you down. Be proud that you fall easily into relationships because you have such a loving nature, and go find someone who will adore you and treat you right.

Oh, and Bravo on packing up your stuff. I doubt I could be so strong.

If you want to get away, come to MA and hang out with me and we'll drink margaritas. Then we'll go find the Damon family and explain why you should be married to Matt.

hugs & kisses....

[tater]

well dan, you have just come up against the lovely concept of "balance of power'... Gay, straight,or bi, it all comes down to this... This doofus (yes, a technical term) saw you as the 'weaker' party, therefore he could just do any damn thing he wants while you will just take it, because you are in the weak position...

His house, his money, his rules... I realize that its nice to have nice things, and if you havent got that money for yourself right now,its seemingly easy to latch onto a richer partner so you can "share in the wealth", but usually you find that you have just sold yourself for the illusion...

Better to find some guy who is in the relatively same boat as yourself and buid from there, as equals. Shared struggle and that balance of power is not a bad thing...

signed, your friend Tater (who more than once felt like a freaking prostitute for a richer partner)

[anonymousmom]

Dan, I'll give you the same advice my dad always gave me - never listen to what men say... only watch what they do.

[anapestic]

Did he know that you were coming over in advance? If he did, and he arranged to go on a date with someone else, then he's a jerk, and he's getting what he deserves. If you dropped in on him, and he had other plans already, that's different. You two don't seem to have agreed to exclusivity, so he's technically still allowed to see other guys. Giving a guy your house keys and telling him to drop over whenever he likes shows questionable judgment, but it doesn't obligate him to be available without an advance arrangement.

[Nakia]

My question is...Have you heard from him since? There is a part of me that is just like "this is some bullshit" (on his part)and another part of me wants to believe that he is actually surprising you with something. Please don't keep us waiting! This is my first visit to your blog and I am in love already!