The re-cap is here. My angry-white-guy, rockin-the-suburbs brother strikes again. Enjoy.
Damn, it's weird when there are only a few people left, y'know? Because they have to fill up an hour with them doing all sorts of crazy shit, they don't just sew anymore. So there's all this twists and turns bullshit in the show.
So last week they had to give each other makeovers, right? And Chloe won, she made Nick a pink vest. Too bad her clothes didn’t make Nick look so good that the judges didn’t notice the fucked-up suit he made for Daniel V, because Nick got cut. Although I thought the suit that Nick made was alright.
So this week, they start out in the apartments all talking smack about how much they hate Santino and how he can’t sew and they’re pissed Nick is gone. Same as usual. Then they go to the runway and Heidi tells them for their final competition they have to design an evening gown. That’s it. And then they do the model picking thing and of course Chloe keeps Grace because Grace is the coolest model there, so Nick’s model Rachel is out. Big whoop.
So they’re in the sewing room drawing dress ideas, and Tim comes in and he’s all Good morning, my little Girl Scouts! Put on your berets! We’re taking a field trip! and they go meet this lady named Fern who runs all of Fashion Week. And they’re all like Whoa, Fern is a fashion icon! but the Project Runway people probably told them to say that just for the show, I bet none of them knew who that Fern lady was. I’ve never heard of her. But Fern is cool, she’s all Listen up, punks! I had to boot out a real designer to make room for your bullshit! You better not embarrass me and show up with crap that looks like the Jacklyn Smith collection! Make good shit! and everyone is like What’s the most important thing about fashion shows? and Fern is like Whatever, most of the clothes in runway shows are totally stupid anyway! Just be nice or everyone will talk shit about you! and Daniel V is like Well that means Santino is screwed, he’s meaner than Rose O’Donnell when she’s on the rag! and Santino is like Sizzle da Shizzle in da house! Hate the game, don’t hate the playa!
So they go to the fabric store, and they’re picking out fabric with weird names like “charmoose” and “paella” and whatever, I dunno. But it's like Kara smoked some chronic before they left because she’s wandering around bumping into everything, like Whoa, all these choices are freaking me out! and she has no idea what she’s doing, as usual. So she plays a game of “Dick Cheney goes hunting,” and she pulls out a gun and starts shooting with her eyes clothes until she hits something, and takes whatever she hits. And she ends up with some black fabric.
So they all go back and start sewing, and Kara is wandering around looking at everyone else's stuff trying to rip off some ideas, and Santino is sitting in a corner by himself, reliving his old days of when he was a homeless guy living in a box talking to himself, and Daniel V is totally being a bitch, he’s all like Too bad Santino won’t be able to put his dress together, we never stopped by Office Depot for him to buy any tape! But Santino is getting paranoid, like Dem bitches tryin' to steal the Sizzle's heat! And they are, he’s an asshole.
Then later they go back to the apartments, and Santino is like I’m glad Nick is gone! Nick ain't got no game! but I think Santino had a thing for Nick, he was always like Nicky come talk to The Sizzle and be my butt buddy but Nick would have rather sucked on a New York taxi tailpipe than anything attached to Santino, so that’s why Santino was always picking on the guy. And Daniel V totally calls him out, like You better check yourself, bitch! At least Nick knows how to turn on a sewing machine! Your clothes are all made with glue and tape, you idiot! and Santino is like Whaaaat? and Daniel V is like They’re just keeping you here because you start drama! And Santino is like Why you all up in my grill? and Daniel V is on a roll, he totally has a hissy fit, like You’re so lucky those judges are blind so they can’t see that you sew like shit! You are shit! I hate you! and Santino is all Whatever and storms off to go pout.
So the next day they’re all sewing again and Tim comes in, and he goes up to Kara and is like What the fuck are you doing this time, Crazy? and she’s like Hi, have we met? I'm Kara, dumbass! I have no idea what I'm doing! and she’s just throwing fabric at her mannequin and hoping it sticks. And then Chloe's is weird but he tells her how to fix it, and Daniel V's is alright. And then he goes to Santino, and he made this kick-ass dress that’s all gold, and Tim is making kissy faces and is like Scrumptious! Your dress is delish! and Santino is like Yeah, boy-ee! How you like me now, bitch? because this proves that he can actually make clothes without glue and tape. But then Santino picks up this fabric that looks like it’s covered in gold bottle caps, and he’s like Now I’m gonna do my thing, yo! Drop it like it’s hot! I’m covering my dress in bling! and Tim is like You are the Michelle Kwan of fashion designers! You're set up to win but then you always do something stupid and you fuck yourself! and walks away.
But then Tim spins around and is like Surprise, surprise, kids! The dress that wins will be worn by Iman to a big fancy party! She’s the guest judge this week! and everyone is like Word! and Daniel V is like If Iman wore my dress I would shit a brick! and I didn't know anyone actually used that dumb "shit a brick" expression besides my dad, but whatever. So then they’re all sewing, and everyone is all excited that Iman might wear their dresses, they’re all laughing and having a good time, and Kara is crawling around on top of the sewing table chasing something that only she sees, y'know, it's all good. But then out of nowhere Chloe is like This sucks! I’m tired of this shit! and everyone is like Hold up! and Chloe is like This place is a sweatshop! I don’t want to be a designer anymore, it’s too hard! and they’re all like Who the fuck are you, Nick The Whiner? Shut up and keep sewing! But Chloe looks beat down.
So Tim comes in again and is like Field trip time again! Let’s go! and everyone is like What the fuck is up with all these field trips? and Tim is like There aren’t enough people on this show anymore, so we planned a party for you to take up time on the episode! and they go to this bar and meet a few people from last season, and Kara is just walking around going We sippin’ on some Sizzurp! and she’s all fucked up. Liquor mixes weird with pills, you know.
Then the next day in the sewing room, Tim comes in and looks at Chloe’s dress, and it’s even worse! It has the biggest ass you’ve ever seen. Seriously, even on the mannequin the ass is huge, I don’t know how she did it. And he’s like Chloe! You’re going down in flames! What is wrong with you? and she’s like Suck it, you bougie queen! My dress is flawless! and Tim is like Great, then stand up there and be like ‘Hey, big fat asses are in style, bitches!’ and Chloe is like Fuck you, I will! I’m a git-git-git-git-git you drunk! Git you drunk off my junk! and just keeps sewing. I guess Chloe has been cooped up inside too long, ‘cause sista is going crazy.
Then the runway show starts, and Iman is there lookin’ fly. And Kara’s dress is alright, it’s just black, and then Daniel V’s looks exactly the same as Kara’s but it’s dark blue. Then Chloe’s dress makes her model look like she has ass everywhere, which is crazy since that redheaded model of hers, Grace, is about as fat as Mary-Kate Olsen. So I guess J. Lo could wear that dress and rock it. But then Santino’s model comes out covered in shiny gold coins, and she looks like a fucking gypsy. And Santino is like Yeah, bitch, wear it! You better wear that dress! Listen to the Sizzle! but she looks like she should be at the airport with a goddamned tambourine in her hand, asking for spare change. And he’s like My inspiration for this dress was that I created a story about a little boy who was taken hostage and forced to make gorgeous clothes for a beautiful woman blah blah blah blah blaaaah... and he goes on with this dumb story which makes no sense and shows he was just sticking the bling on with no idea of what he was doing. And Chloe is like Yeah we’ve been taken hostage, we’ve all been taken hostage by the Bravo network! If I wanted to work like this I’d go back to China! She’s just over it.
But then Michael Kors looks at Santino, and is like I’m sick of this! It’s like you’re making ugly shit just to piss us off now! and Santino just looks at him, because basically Michael Kors is right, Santino is just being a dumbass now to prove he knows he can get away with murder and still make it to the final three. And Michael Kors is like You better check yourself, ‘cause this dress is worfless!
And then Heidi is like Let’s play a game! Who do each of you think should be eliminated? Being mean is fun! Stab each other in the back! Whee! And Chloe is like Santino! Playa can’t sew! and then Santino is like At least I have an original thought once in a while, you boring skank! Why don't you go make another dress out of ten thousand identical leaves! I say Chloe gots to step! Bitch is out! And that’s cool. But then you think Daniel V is going to say Santino, but he’s like um, uh...Chloe, and Kara is like Chloe! too. They totally punk'd my girl! And she's like Bitches ain’t got my back! and she’s all bummed. That was totally fucked up of everybody, especially Kara, since Chloe always sticks up for her. I think they all wanted her gone because she’s the biggest competition, and Daniel V and Santino figured if Kara goes to Fashion Week she’d show some sweatpants and a t-shirt that says It’s always 4:20 to me! or something dumb, so she would never win. And they remember how she was complaining earlier, and it made her seem weak so they jumped all over it.
So anyway--back to the show. Then Michael Kors is like Santino’s dress looks like a sequin factory exploded! but at least it was original, so they let him stay, and that means he’s going to Fashion Week. And then they say the winner is Daniel V, and Iman is all That dress is boring! But I ain’t boring, bitch! I’m a fine piece of ass and I’ll work that shit out! So the final two are Chloe and Kara, and Chloe’s dress is ugly but Kara’s dress is sewn bad, the bottom is all fucked up and crooked, so she gets cut. And that means Chloe is going to Fashion Week too. And when Chloe leaves the runway she’s all Just you wait, motherfuckers! I still got game to play!
P.S.: You know that my little brother doesn't really write these, right? Just an FYI.