Rockin' The Suburbs

My twenty-something, angsty-white-guy, rockin-the-suburbs brother* did another post for me on Wednesday's Project Runway again. Read on.

(to read last week's, click here.)

~~~

Okay. So Santino won last week, right? They had to design dresses for Nicky Hilton, and she liked his best. I thought Santino's dress was stupid but that doesn't matter. So this week he’s all walking around, like, Sizzle the Shizzle in da hooooouse, you better recognize! and he starts talking like, Nicky Hilton is so obsessed with me! I'm gonna get a job at Hilton Hotels! I want to be the guy who makes their hotel soaps! Boo-ya! But I think the Hiltons probably already have someone to design their soaps, and it’s not a cracked-out greasy hippie who looks like he spent last night sleeping in a Port-O-Potty at a construction site. So maybe Santino should keep looking for another job.

And then he sings this really random song to Andrae where the words are Lighten Up It's Just Fashion, and he dances around the kitchen, and Andrae looks kinda skeeved out because Santino keeps touching him, which sorta makes him look like Chester The Molester. I don't know why he did it. It was weird. Santino won't be a singer either.

For their next assignment they find out they have to make a dress for Banana Republic, and they meet some lady who works there, and she's all Make me a fancy dress so I can sell it in my store and not give you any of the money! which is a bunch of crap, and she tells them all these rules about what it should look like to make it sound like Banana Republic is cool. But really they just need to make a dress that you can go buy in a mall. So it's no big deal. And I don't know who would buy it, if I knew a girl who went to the mall and bought the Banana Republic Project Runway dress I would totally laugh at her.

So then that guy who works for the show, Tim, he comes in and is all You thought this would be easy, punks? Hell no! You gotta pair up and sew your dress in teams of two! Ha HA!, which fucks everyone up a little. But then Andrae is all, Daniel V, please be my partner so I can suck you off behind the sewing machines, I think Andrae and Daniel V are totally boning when the cameras aren't around. Then Dianna the girl who looks like she was in marching band says she wants to be with Marla, which just means that Dianna knew she wouldn't get picked by anyone so she picked the worst person so she wouldn't get rejected. Hmm, I wonder which team will lose? Duh.

So they start making their dresses, and Santino is all My dress is gonna be the bomb-diggity, I’m gonna make it look Chinese! which makes no sense. And he is partners with Nick, who is freaking out, like I didn’t want to be partners with Santino, this sucks, I don’t want to make a Chinese dress, I want to be with Chloe, because everyone totally digs Chloe, she’s really chill, but she's with that dude Emmett, and they’re already sitting in the back of the studio meditating with their fabric and drawing pictures of dresses and being all zen. So you know their dress will be cool. But Nick is all, Santino's got no game, he's a dickhead, he won't listen to me so if our dress sucks I'm blaming it on him! so he can save his own ass in case their dress loses.

But then that Tim guy comes out of nowhere and is all, Change in plans, beyotches! If your team makes the ugliest dress, you BOTH go home! Suck on that! and everyone is like Oh, snap! Two people get cut this time! That sucks! and Nick is like Damn, I am screwed. But he's being an idiot, unless Marla unzips her skin and Donnafuckingtella Versace steps out, Nick's got no problems.

So Zulema is partners with that psycho British chick Kara, right? And Zulema is freaking out because she and Kara can’t decide what to do, their dress is looking ugly, and she keeps going It’s hard to agree on what we should make because we have really different styles, which is really Zulema’s way of saying This bitch is whack! but she won’t say it out loud. Zulema kinda scares me a little, but it's all good. And when Tim sees what Zulema and Kara are making, he’s all, Uh, just so you know, your dress is a piece of crap, and Kara starts crying and doesn’t stop for the rest of the show. Seriously. She cries the whole time.

But then the weirdest thing happens. They only have, like, an hour left to sew, right? And Kara is crying and Zulema is all Fuck, our dress is ass, what are we gonna do? and I swear to God, Zulema just snaps! Seriously, she just snaps. One minute, she's just sitting there, and then all of the sudden she stands up and starts running around the room and is all, Move out of the way, muthafuckas! I am Queen Zulema, Ruler Of The Republic Of The Bananas! I will kill you all! And its like her head fuckin pops off and flames start shooting out of her neck. And she's all, I WILL MAKE THE DRESS OF ALL DRESSES! And she throws some fabric at Kara and tells her what to make, and is all, We're starting over! Start sewing, bitch! but Kara just keeps crying, so Zulema goes I don't care if you got to cry and cut, but you got to cry and cut! which was the most awesomest thing I have ever heard. And hell, yeah, Kara picked up those scissors and started cutting. It was so funny. Man, if those cameras weren't there, Zulema would have grabbed Kara by the face and jabbed a pair of scissors into her throat. And it's like, who the hell is this chick? She is bad-ass. Zulema is the shit.

So THEN, they go to a Banana Republic store in New York and they have to design store windows for their dresses, right? And everyone is getting all weird with their ideas trying to prove how cool they are, but Zulema and Kara are like Our dress fabric has circles on it, so let's make our window with circles! and they just cut out a bunch of circles and stick them on the wall. And it looks pretty cool, I thought it was better than the other ones. Zulema and Kara sunk this one with five seconds on the clock. They rock. But that whole part of the show kinda sucked anyway.

So the judging comes up, and everyone's dresses are alright. Except when Santino and Nick's model comes out, their dress has these weird flaps on the side that makes the model look like a mermaid. And Santino is all This is what women want to look like! My dress is the bizzle! Listen to The Sizzle! and the judge Michael Kors is all, Uh, I don't think any women want to wear a dress that makes them look like a Chinese mermaid, you stupid sack of shit, and Santino is all, Oh yeah? Well, I know Banana Republic, and lots of women who shop at Banana Republic don't even know who the fuck you are, Michael Kors! You got nothin! And Nick throws up in his mouth a little when Santino says this, so he freaks out and is all Yeah by the way, this ass dress was all Santino's idea, I tried to fix it, please don't cut me, and Santino is like Yo, why you gotta do me like that, playa? and Nick looks like he's about to shoot himself in the head.

Then they say that Daniel V and Andrae made the best window, so they win, and Andrae and Daniel V go into the back to jerk each other off. And Chloe and Emmett made a good dress, and Zulema and Kara made a good dress, so they all get to go in the back too. Then they tell Santino and Nick their dress is fucking stupid, but they cut Marla and Dianna because their dress is the worst. It's really boring. Big fuckin surprise. Then they show previews of next week and they have to make clothes for an ice skater, and all the gay guys freak out.

*My brother didn't really write this.

Comments

[Kel]

"Move out of the way, muthafuckas! I am Queen Zulema, Ruler Of The Republic Of The Bananas! I will kill you all! "

- absolutly fucking brilliant.

If Kara was my partner, I would have cut the bitch up and gave her a real reason to cry.

I still think Daniel V is going to sweep all of this and win. Daniel V, if you're reading this, please leave Andre and move to Texas and be my lover.

[Tiffany]

Dan, this is your best series ever.

[Diana]

I want to marry your little brother. Would that be weird? Any i am assuming you could not write this review b/c we were knee deep in a bottle of vodka during the show?

[velvetsaje]

Like the new hair...and your brother is brilliant!

[David]

Yes Dan, wink wink, you "brother", nudge nudge, is such a good writer, cough cough.

Daniel V. will never be Andrae's lover because he is destined to be my sex slave.

Please continue these recaps for the remainder of the series. I implore you.

[erik]

you're seriously amazing.

[Stefanie]

So Dan,
What kind of toothbrush does your brother use?

[Mags]

This was fucking hilarious. I hate that your Project Runway recaps are funnier than mine.

But I also love you for it. You. Or your "brother."

[mary]

"... unless Marla unzips her skin and Donnafuckingtella Versace steps out, Nick's got no problems."

OMG that is freaking hilarious. Not to kick Marla when she's down but I honestly have NO idea how she even got on the show. Maybe they thought she'd get all bitchy like Wendy Pepper but she just sat there like: MEH.

Great recap, Dan and, uh, "brother"... wink.

[Blast]

I wouldn't want Santino anywhere near my outfit. He'd put a grease stain on it before it ever left the sewing room. He should be living on the street and making dresses out of old cardboard boxes.

[Chris]

The last sentence of this post is the best sentence ever. ;)

Project Runway, meet the Ice Capades. Cause' you know Michelle Kwan wouldn't be caught dead in a UPN-sponsored creation.

[Liz]

Ok Dan, your alter ego is the bomb digity. I'm so lovin' his take on Zulema. He is off da hook yo and I'm vibin' on his coverage of ProRun.

[Patrick]

A man enters his bedroom with a sheep under one arm. His lover is on the bed clearly bored.

"This is the pig I f*ck when you're not available for sex," says the man.

The lover languidly looks over and says, "I think you'll find that's a
sheep, you idiot."

The man replies, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[johnO]

I love your ghetto alter ego. I'm going to stop watching ProRun and just read your 'brothaz' recap. Especially now that Dirty Diana is gone. :~(

[johnO]

And Oh MY GOD is Heidi Seal-Klum about to pop or what!!! She was so huge on this last show, they better hurry it up or she'll break water right there on stage!

[Jas]

no... daniel v is mine!!!!

[Jas]

no... daniel v is mine!!!!

[callen]

Y'all needs to stop right now. Daniel V is mine. MINE! Biatches. Andrae makes my butt crawl. He freaks me out. Santino scares the bejezus out of me, he looks like Rasputin. Emmet is geek. Nick is cool, I'd do him. Zulema scares me too, she's like a fucking Amazon warrior. Kara depresses me. Chloe's aight. But Daniel V is my boy, he's so gonna win cause Michael Kors and Tim Gun wants to gang bang him.

[The Aitch]

Please tell me this is in print somewhere? You rock

[Erica]

I would have slapped Zulema, and if I'm not mistaken, it was Kara's dress design...and I suspect the jacket was Zulema's... she was appalling, and no one else is going to want to work with her except maybe Santino.

I bet Santino is the one who creates the inappropriate one that shows too much skin - he seems like a pervert.

[zing]

I think I just peed my pants laughing.

[johnO]

Dan, what is inspiring you to have this alter ego? It's fabulous! Are you practicing for a planned side-blog or something???

[Hillbilly of Fabrics]

OK... Kara is from South Africa not England and "Lighten Up It's Just Fashion" is what Michael Kors snapped and said to Andrae when Andrae refused to put a blonde wig on his black model. He told him he thinks too much. ???!!!

[here kittykitty]

This was - honestly - the best recap EVER - (sorry Jeff at TWoP and Auntiemame, and even Manolo!) and the best laugh I've had in ages.

Dang!

[AnferTuto]

Hola faretaste
mekodinosad