Project Runway January 4

I'm far too busy psyching myself up for the season premiere of Dancing With The Stars to focus on Project Runway right now.

So for the recap, my younger brother--a fine specimen of angry-white-kid, rock-the-suburbs manhood--will fill in for me. Best of luck, I'll see you soon.

Here it goes:

~~~

Okay, so first there's this dude Santino, right? And he's all, like, mad and stuff because he didn't win the last competition, where they had to design lingerie, I think?... So he's all, I'm gonna win this one, I'm gonna make the best dress because they thought my lingerie was ugly. Whatever, I thought gay guys were good with stuff like that, but I guess they don't look at too many chicks in their underwear, so maybe they don't know what is hot on a girl. 'Cause they showed a picture of his underwear and it sucked ass.

So for their next competition, they find out they have to design a dress for someone famous, and they're all freaking out trying to figure out who it is. But then they are shown a picture of who it is, and it's Nicky Hilton, who is the boring sister of Paris Hilton. And she's all, I'm hot shit, you better make my dress pretty, you fuckers! and the designers go, whoa, this is cool, she might wear my dress in real life!, which is a bunch of crap.

So they go to the store and buy fabric, and this dude Daniel V. totally fucks up, because he grabbed the wrong roll of fabric, and he thought he was buying black but it was really brown. And it didn't match his other fabric, which was this tricked-out pink stuff that was cool. And he's all, like, Hey, someone give me their extra black fabric, I need help or I won't be able to make my dress, and the other designers are all like Fuck you sucka! and they don't share their stuff, so he's screwed. But he's probably okay, since he won last week and he seems cool.

And then there's this chick Marla, who is old, like, 40, I guess?...and the dress she starts to design looks just like the dress Nicky was wearing in the picture they were shown! So the guy who works for the show, Tim, is all, like, What the hell, granny, you're totally ripping off the picture!, and she's all like No I'm not! I made this up in my head, and the Tim guy holds up the picture and is like Duh, it looks exactly the same, and it totally does. So she's busted.

But she's still okay, she won't lose yet, because this chick Guadalupe is making a dress that's really ugly. It's, like, the ugliest dress I ever saw. It has vomit-green leaves on it. She's really weird. Whatever. Her ass is gettin' the C to the U to the T, baby.

So the dude Daniel V finally gives up on waiting for someone to help him out, and is all, Damn, I gotta save my ass and think of something, and he takes the pink fabric and just makes the whole dress out of it, and he puts it on his model and she's totally hot, I'd fuck her. Seriously, she looks hot in the dress. And then Santino puts his dress on his model, and I think it looks stupid, it has all these weird braids of fabric around the boobs and the skirt is all shredded and shitty, but he's all like My dress rocks, I'm Sizzle the Shizzle, don't hate--appreciate!, and this guy Nick is all like Fuck Santino, I can kick his ass, Santino is my bitch, look at my dress I got mad skillz!, and Nick's dress is pretty cool. And then there's this Asian chick Diana, who looks like this girl I knew who was in the science club in high school, and her dress is this black thing that looks like something a goth girl would wear to prom. So I guess it's alright, since someone would wear it.

So they go to a party with Nicky to show off the dresses. And Nicky looks totally bored, but she pretends to be nice to everyone, but really Nicky Hilton sucks, she's just pissed that her sister is famous. She says she likes this girl Chloe's dress, because it has one of those fabric braids on the back, just like they already showed with that Santino dude. And Nicky is all like I'm designing clothes too! And they have fabric braids on them! Which means Nicky is just going to pick a dress with a braid on it that looks like something from her own designs, so she gets publicity for herself, right? So you know that Santino is going to win, 'cause his dress is full of those stupid braids. Duh.

So they all screw around for a while, and they do their own runway show at the party, which is very Dance Party USA, like when the solo dancers would get up on the box and show their stuff. And or course all the gay guys walk better than the girls, and Diana the science club girl gets trashed and dances like a slut and everyone calls her Dirty Diana. Which was pretty fuckin' funny.

Then the judging comes around, and they ask Santino about his dress, and he feeds this line of shit about how he picked the dress color to match Nicky Hilton's eyes, which are blue. And Nicky totally eats that up like her sister ate that guy's cock in that porn movie, which was terrible, by the way. But Santino is totally the man for using that line. Santino is da bombizzle.

Then they chew out Marla because she ripped off the dress from the picture, and Marla is all No no no I didn't okay maybe I did a little, sorry! And then they tell Guadalupe her dress is total ass and anyone who would wear it would look like a fool. Which was pretty funny.

And guess who wins? Santino! No shit. Nicky likes the braids on his dress. I thought they looked like crap but I'm not on the show so what do I know. And then Nicky gives this speech about how Santino "has what it takes to succeed in this business," as if fuckin' Nicky Hilton knows shit about what it takes to be a designer. Last time I saw her name on something it was on a crap-ass hotel next door to a Denny's. Thanks for the lecture, Nicky! But Santino is stoked because he says that dude Nick won some Barbie contest a few weeks ago, but Santino won the Nicky Hilton contest, and Barbie can't buy shit 'cause she's just a doll, but maybe Nicky Hilton will buy a dress from Santino someday. Yeah right. Like Nicky Hilton has nothing better to do than buy a smack dress from stank-ass Santino. But whatever.

Then that chick Guadalupe gets cut, but I knew that would happen. And that lady Marla will go soon too. And that dude Nick was all like Yo Santino, I'm gonna get you sucka, and I think Nick is gonna kick Santino's ass and win all of this. He's got his eyes on the prize. Nick looked pissed.

Comments

[Erica]

OK... here's a question for those who have a better gaydar than I... do you think that Santino is gay? I think it was mentioned before, and I never thought of it. (I'm blinded by the fact I think he's an ass... no matter WHAT his orientation may or may not be...)

[Skippy]

I just read an interview with Santino where he said he was bisexual. I hope Nick so beats him in the end because I can't wait to see the look on Santino's face.

[Joe]

I just want to say that this whole story was hilarious. Whoever wrote it gets kudo points.

[Annie]

Absolutely hilarious! The Dance Party USA reference made my day. I can remember seeing Kelly Ripa on that damn box with her stupid boyfriend Chris. He had this really dweeby 'dribble the basketball' dance and she was always really mean to him. Why I can recall that, I don't know but thanks for the flashback...

[Trish]

I was watching this rerun of "How Do I Look" yesterday and Daniel Franco was on there as the "celebrity stylist".

[Kel]

Great re-cap. You should totally take over Project Runway reviews for Dan.

Santino gave an interview on qweerty.com, it's a great article; show what an ass he is. Oh, and he might not suck much cock, but his dress did! WTF! I can't belive Nick didn't win.

Now Daniel V's dress rocked.

I totally think Diana will be cut next, then Marla, then Kara, Andrea, and Emmett. Zulima might after Emmett, her dresses suck. I think its going to all come down to Chloe, Santino, Nick and Daniel V.

[David]

Dan, watch your back, your brother is "da bombizzle."

[Ibiza]

I'm loving the review... laughed my ass off!!

Thanks for making my day.

[The Aitch]

the amount of ass you kick for writing this is beyond comprehension.

[erik]

this was so funny i almost pissed myself.

[Liz]

I thought it was so tacky of Santino to hand Nicky a business card, but of course that tacky bitch loved it! And how tacky did she look showing up at a party with designers in the get up she had on? Nicky is as flat and dull as her horse face sister. So they can buy expensive stuff? Thats their big claim to fame? Get over it America. Nicky showed every rude, "I'm so over these people" expression on her face. SHE didn't know how to mingle at the party, Heidi had to lead her around. Also did I see Richie Rich at that party??????

[Tiffany]

was that really your bro? (I think that was you in disguise). Your bro's hilarious. Maybe he'd like to guest blog on my site (bro get back to me, seriously). Santino needs to chop off his hair and be done with it--he's also way too greasy. I hope Nick wins. Yeah, you can tell that Nicky Hilton is a total bitch.

[JR]

Yeah that Guatamahala chick's dress was putrid but at least it was her own design. Marla (who uncannily looks like Andrea Martin) should have gotten the ax...how did that bitch even make it onto the show?

[tacha]

dan your brother is awesome should have his own blog too. if he does I want the website

[Dee]

This was awesome and so totally written by a straight guy.

Although I don't like Santino and love Nick, I thought he did have the better dress.

Santino needs to cut that f'ing hair, stat.

[johnO]

Dan's brother, that review was quite hilarious. Thanks for the most amusing recap!

I agree, Nick should have won. But I think it was his dress that I looked at and thought, "Ooooh, that wouldn't be good for a girl with no boobs." Maybe that was Nicki's concern too. I liked the front of Santino's dress, but I did not care for some of the braiding elements. Overall, Nick's dress was better (for a woman or a very special man with boobs).

Yeah, even I wasn't sure if Santino was gay. Lot's of interference in the old trusty gaydar. More importantly, he is such an ass. Especially on the last challenge when he was postulating how Diana (who is my fav on the show...and though I'm sure she won't win, I wish she would) and her team were all virgins and losers and such.

Greasy 'Tino should have been cut from the last show, but secretly I think they spared him just to keep the drama going. I think 'Tino and Nick are ultimately going to have a huge blowout. They are supposedly the closest 'friends' on the show and yet they are most competitive. And Santino absolutely resents it whenever he is beaten, and Nick is going to be the most likely person to keep taking wins from him.

Every week Diana does something that makes her so endearing. This week was the 'Dirty Diana' thing. She was apparently feeling all sexy after a couple cocktails. She was doing this cute little flirty dance. It was the highlight of the show. It could have only been topped by yet another Santino upset, but that wasn't to happen unfortunately.

Speaking of Diana, I see on next weeks episode that she is paired up w/Marla. Most unfortunate for Dirty Di as Marla is going to bring her down, and I have a feeling next week a whole team will get the auf viedersehen, since the teams will only be a pair. I think they have to speed up the cutting or this season will never end.

[Manda]

Love the recap!

Greasy 'Tino! Too funny! I can't stand the guy! His lingerie sucked and his Nicki dress was crazy looking! I am sad that Lupe was cut. I liked her but knew her time was up with that wack dress! Now that Daniel F. is gone I will root for Nick...he is a cutie. If only I had a penis....and was gay.

[Jen]

That review of Project Runway was absolutely hilarious!!! It soo made my day.

[Hephaestion]

...and they say you have to be GAY to be a great writer! Dan's bro's review of Project Runway was a HOWLER. I haven't laughed so much in a while!

Nick has GOT to win this season's Project Runway. One: It ain't his first time at the rodeo. Two: He actually IS a damn good designer and I'd say the best one on the show now. THREE: Somebody gotta beat that wack Santino, 'cause that boy may have some talent but he is seriously way too demented. Or immature. Or both.

[Sheena]

Loved the recap...totally reminded me of my boys back at home, whom I miss terribly, so thanks for that!

Also, I agree that Nick's dress was way better. And as a girl with more than enough boob, I would have bought it in a second! :)

So I have only watched this show twice, and already hate Santino with all of my heart and soul. He is greasy, dirty, and just ew. And someone please tell him that the bald mullet, just like the regular mullet, is a horrible hairstyle.

[Bape]

Dan, yer brother is hilarious. I've never actually watched Project Runway (gasp!) but I absolutely have to start now.

[Jeff]

Oh. My. God. What a great read. Soooo funny! And I, like Nicky Hilton, would probably "never wear some piece of shit from a reality show". Classic.

[callen]

dude, that is hillarious. btw, i'm so in love with daniel v.

[joe]

That's you, Dan, right? That's not really your brother? Whatever, do the same next week.

[turlie]

i think the final 3 will be chloe, emmette and nick......santino SUCKS!!!! he copies.