Wow! I'm so busy! Thank God my angry-white-guy, rockin'-the-suburbs brother is here to help me with Project Runway posts! Read on.
Dude, I am totally freaking out after that episode! I don't know why but it's, like...whoa. Totally cool. A lot happened.
Okay, so it starts out with that dude Santino, right? And usually when Santino talks he's all I'm the man! and shit. But this time, he was totally chill, and he was like Damn, my last outfit was busted, I can't sew ice skating costumes worth a rat's ass, it was totally stupid. But it's all good, he knows he needs to step up his game. He's all It's time to turn up the heat! Let's get the Sizzle cookin' again! And who the fuck cares about ice skating costumes? Every ice skating costume I have ever seen in my entire life has looked stupid.
So anyway--they all get together for the "pick your model" bullshit that they always do, and since that chick Zulema won last time, she gets to decide if they stay with their models or if they re-pick, blah blah
blah. But the designers always stay with the model that they've been using, so it was always really boring. Except this time, my girl Zulema is all Bring out da bitches! I want to pick me a new one! and everyone is like Huh? and she's like I'm sick of this blond chick I've been stuck with! She can't walk worth shit! which I don't get, she looks okay to me, but I'm not on the show so I don't know. And do you know what she did? She lined all the girls up, and was like, I wanna have a MUTHAFUCKIN WALK-OFF UP IN HERR! Raise da ROOF! and she picks three girls and makes them walk for her to see who's best! Zulema is my GIRL, man. Like she's Cleofuckingpatra, cracking her whip. Walk, slaves, walk for me! Or I will throw you to Santino to eat you for dinner! and Daniel V is like Whaaaaat? and Andrae is like Whoa and Kara is just sitting there sticking pins into herself, I dunno, she's so weird. And what are the models supposed to do? If I was one of those models I'd be like Walk on this, bitch! But she picked that hot girl Tarah, who had always been Nick's model. Which means Nick got Zulema's model, Rachael. I put those links in there so you can see the girls, I know you don't remember their names and I don't remember their names either.
And the shit hit the fan, dude.
That Rachael girl shot Zulema a look like Bitch, I can't believe you dumped me! I am gonna kill you in your sleep! because if the models get cut they lose their modeling prize, too. And she looked at Nick all Poor me! and stuff, but he just shrugged it off and tried to look cool. But then he got on camera and was like I can't believe that punk-ass Zulema! If she thinks she can fuck with me and steal my model, I'm gonna tear her head off and piss down her neck! because Nick really liked her. Y'know, Daniel V's model is totally fuckable too, but everyone wants Tarah, she looks really cool when she walks. So then Zulema was like Look, that Rachael girl looks like a moose when she walks, I'm tired of her making my dresses look stupid, I just want another girl. If Nick wants her back, he can just win and take her back again! I don't know why Rachael doesn't just copy what Tarah is doing when she walks, then she'd be cool too, but maybe it's not that easy. I dunno.
So they don't get to spend much time freaking out about Modelgate before that Tim Gunn guy is all Hi, kids! Guess what? We're going on a field trip! Everyone get out your permission slips and pick a buddy! and they all go to Michael Kors' studio. And Michael is there and he's all These are the new clothes my zillion-dollar company is designing, they are inspired by Doris Duke! Don't they look scrumptious? and everyone is like Whoopee and Michael says Okay, for your next competition, you have to make clothes inspired by something too! and he hands them cameras and tells them to take pictures of cool stuff in the city, and then pick one picture and design a dress based on it. So you know Santino is going to take pictures of dirty homeless people, Kara is going to take pictures of stuff no one undertands, Daniel V is going to take pictures of himself, and Andrae is going to take pictures of Daniel V.
So they all go take pictures, and sure enough Santino gets pictures of grafitti and trash and some old lady flipping him off, which is hilarious, I totally want that picture. And Zulema gets a picture of an African lady in a red dress, and Daniel V's is an orchid in a pot, and Kara's is a "caution" sign, and Andrae's is some water in the gutter, and Chloe's is a big building which sounds boring but it was cool. But poor little Nicky too busy pouting, so he doesn't get many good pictures. Then they all go back to the sewing room, and then Tim comes in, and he's all Look fuckers! Your clothes have been crap the past few competitions! Start making better stuff so our TV show doesn't suck! and everyone is like Yeah you're right, even Santino was cool, I don't know what's going on with him but he's totally normal now. Except Daniel V is all What is he talking about? I am amazing! but of course he said that.
So they all go to buy fabric, and Nick is all pissy and Tim is like What the fuck is wrong with you? and Nick goes Zulema stole my model and I'll just can't deal! I'm gonna go bite my pillow! And I swear to God, Tim is like Oh, dear, that's terrible! Rachael walks like a giant marshmallow! She walks around with Gumby legs! Sucks to be you, dude! and just walks away. So that just makes Nick even more mad. Can you believe that shit? He called her a marshmallow. If I were Rachael I'd be pissed. But even Tim thinks that model sucks, maybe Zulema was right.
So they all go back to the sewing room and there's this quick scene where Nick freaks out. He's all, I hate Zulema! I hate this show! I don't want to be here anymore! I quit! Seriously, he told everyone he quit. He's all dramatic, like I'm done, I just can't do competitive sewing anymore! And Daniel V comes up to him and is like You are being a fucking idiot! Stop whining! and Nick was like Alright! and he decided not to quit after all. As if he really would. Shut the fuck up and keep sewing, dude. Anyway--
That night they're all sitting at dinner, and they're all together, except no one will sit with Zulema. She's all Can I sit here? and they're like No! Saved! Seat's saved! so she's just sitting on the side. Everyone is being shitty to her. But she's all These punks can suck my ass, I didn't do anything wrong, I'm gonna keep winning and I'll switch models every time! Boo-ya!
Then there was this scene where Santino was talking like Tim's voice. You just have to see it.
So they're sewing and Zulema's sitting in a corner at a sewing machine all sad, like, I can't think of anything to make! I'm screwed! and she's just sitting there not sewing. Damn. It looks like she's giving up. What the fuck is up with her? Then the next day the models all come in and Tarah is like Modeling is so hard! Zulema's dress was ugly and she kept sticking me with pins! and Rachael puts on Nick's dress and she starts to walk, and she looks totally hot! It's like Zulema gave her a kick in the ass and it really woke her up and she took some modeling lessons or something. She's walking around and she's all Yeah, fuckers! Git yo' freak on! I'm a fine piece of ass in this shit! and Nick is all Who's the O.G. playa NOW? Nick in da hooooouse! and he starts jumping up and down and clapping and stuff. And Tarah just looks like This is toe up, I want to be back with the gay boy.
So then the judging comes around, and Jay McCarroll who won last year is the guest judge because he made a dress once that looks like the Chrysler Building, it was kinda cool. So he knows about this inspiration stuff. The dresses are pretty cool, Andrae's really looks like a river of rocks, and Daniel V's has this poofy shirt that's cool but I don't think it looks anything like an orchid. But Kara's sucks, it's just a giant black body condom with a stripe of caution tape down the front. What?!?! Whatever. And then Zulema's is alright, it's all red, but it looks like something my mom would buy at that store Chico's. And the judges are all Kara, this is the stupidest thing you've ever made! And Kara's like It rocks! Shut the fuck up! but they all shake their heads, so you know Kara is going home. And they tell Zulema Your dress looks like crap-ola, girlfriend, who helped you sew? Corky from Life Goes On? and she just kinda shrugs. I thought it looked alright but maybe up close it was all messy.
So they debate for a while over Andrae and Daniel V, both dresses are totally cool, and then they say Daniel V is the winner. And the final two are Kara and Zulema, and it's like, okay, just cut Kara, get it over with--and they cut ZULEMA! And when Kara goes back into the room to say she is safe, Nick freaks out and claps! He's all Ding dong, the witch is dead! Which old witch! That Zulema bitch! and Zulema is all Whatever, it's all good. Zulema lost her mojo.
And the shitty part? Daniel V won't switch models, he's got a hot one. So Tarah is going to go home too. And she's hot. I bet that made Nick shit himsef.