I Am A Broken Spirit

I am pleading for help:

1) Dear Office Depot,

I came to your store today in order to buy a pen. Your selection of pens took up an entire wall--8 rows tall, each row 31 individual display hooks across. That's a lot of choices. People, I just needed a pen. It should give you some idea how my brain works simply by considering the fact that I know there are 8 rows of pens, each with 31 display hooks across.

I spent 10 minutes non-commitally reading each package, until a hearing-impaired boy standing nearby started to converse with his mother via sign language. That kept my attention for a few minutes longer, which allowed me to decompress; when they left, I stuck my hand into the display, grabbed the first pen I touched, and I am now the happy owner of a "gell roller-ball" pen that works quite satisfactorily. Just thinking about the experience, I'm exhausted.

Choices like that, they're just too much. The Office Depot wall of pens? My own personal hell.

Please make life simpler and give me fewer choices. Choosing a pen shouldn't give me a headache. Thanks.

***The same goes for greeting card displays, movie rental stores, and restaurants with more than two pages on their menus. Let them know too.

~~~

2) Dear Tyra Banks,

I have watched more of you in the past week than I have watched of every single other TV show in existence all put together. Do you really need to be on THIS MANY shows? Runway shows, talk shows, reality shows, you have taken over my TV. And I can't get enough. You make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me want to try new makeup techniques. And I don't wear makeup, which makes me feel like I'm missing out on something great. Tonight, during the Oxygen Network's re-run of The Tyra Banks Show, my roommate got sick of listening to your voice and tried to take the remote from me. I almost bit off his hand. That's not good.

Please, Tyra, cut yourself off...and in effect, cut off me as well...and reduce your air-time by about half. I need to get on with my life. Thanks.

~~~

3) Dear Dr. McNamara,

I want to spread you on toast.

I just wanted to say that. Carry on.

~~~

4) Dear Rachael Ray,

You're adorable. But one request: you wave your hands around in the air so much when you talk, I'm scared you're going to knock yourself out. And sometimes you wave them around while holding a knife, which makes me really nervous. Please practice putting your hands to your sides while you talk, so I can watch your show and not fear for your life. Thanks.

~~~

How much do I love PostSecret?

~~~

Key West, here I come. And if I'm filming something don't try to be cute by yelling at me just to ruin the shot. They give me my lines about an hour before we start, and remembering what I'm supposed to say is hard enough without getting rattled by people screaming at me. I hate that. If you screw me up, you owe me a drink. Got it? Good. Thanks.

Comments

[rio]

im going to miami for new years/my birthday and plan on traveling to key west when im there as well, let us know how it goes and if theres any thing cool to do on a week night

[Me]

Christian Troy and Sean McNamara.

Not Christian McNamara. :)

[LARRY]

Hey Dan,

I've been reading your blog for quite some time but have yet to comment until today. You mentioned about a hearing impaired boy. I know you were trying to be politically correct. However, as a Deaf person myself, "hearing impaired" is actually offensive to the majority of Deaf people. It is ok to say "deaf".

Go on, say it. Deaf. (dĕf) See? That wasn't so hard, was it? Keep saying it until it becomes comfortable without giving it a second thought. ;-)

As for the pen stuff...lol. I go to Office Depot or Staples and despite the whole aisle of pens, I feel like there's not enough selection.

[Jeff]

I freaking LOVE PostSecret too. Every Sunday I get up, all excited and run to my laptop, like it is Christmas morning and I'm six again, just to see what people have sent in. I want the book and hope my boyfriend has been smarmy enough to catch my subtle hints the past few weeks and buy me the book for Christmas (he's Christian so we celebrate Christmas, I'm not being ethnocentric). Cheers!

[Jess]

So if my partner and I come down there and yell at you several times, we can buy you several drinks? And then, once you're drunk... hmmm. This idea sounds good. We may have to take a trip. ;-)

[kel]

My PostSecret post card:

Dan Renzi is the Carver..

[David]

I love PostSecret. I even submitted one and got it published. I will never tell.

I'm the same with too many choices. I hate that.

[Jen]

Dan,

I love ya, and I love the pen selection at Office Depot, so I say this in the kindest possible way...next time you need a pen, go to Walgreens, or maybe even 7-11. Very little selection, and you won't be paralyzed by choices! :)

Jen

[Amanda]

Julian McMahon is his actual name and I have loved him since Charmed, yummy! And PostSecret is my secret pleasure. One day I will get up enough nerve to send my own in.

BTW, what is up with Tyra's eyebrows?

[john]

I am SO getting a t-shirt that says "Dan Renzi is The Carver."

[Lori]

Next time you need a pen, Dan...try going to the bank, use their pen, and "forget" to put it down when you are done. Problem solved.

[Kel]

John: If you do, i'll lend you my "I slapped Wheezer Boudreux" t-shirt

[LukaQuinn]

Julian McMahon is Dr. Christian Troy. Sean McNamara is played by Dylan Walsh.

The Carver, who's identity i am snowed about, has a my space profile. its prety cool http://myspace.com/thecarver :)

[Annette]

I love PostSecret as well. The one that had the biggest impact on me - and I still think about it from time to time is one where the person said they were involved in the 9/11 attacks and took the opportunity to disappear. His/her family thinks he/she is dead. I always wonder why he/she wanted to disappear.

[jjd]

I think you are probably trying to get free drinks with a comment like that, non?

[Ibiza]

I love PostSecret too!!

I just bought the book yesterday and I can't get enough.

I plan on sending one in. I got a lot of secrets I want to share. LOL.

[Amanda]

It should give you some idea how my brain works simply by considering the fact that I subconciously did the math in my head to figure that 8x31=248. :) Go supernerds!

[Cliché Guy]

1) What? Pens are great, it's amazing we have that many choices! And be sure to always get gell, jelly or whatever 'ell' pen they have. They are much better! And... wait... aren't gays supposed to test everything before the rest of society? Like "we gays recomment this/that pen"...
just kidding. =P

[Ivan]

Dan I totally agree with you on the Rachel Ray thing. I watch the food network a lot and especially her show, and those hands are just to much. Its distracting, and she should stop.

[Ally]

AHH!
i adore post secret.
i bought myself the book.
i'm in it.
it makes me feel pretty alive, acctually.

[Stephanie]

Rachel Ray is just the cutest, kookiest damn thing on television. I, too, would be alarmed if she cut herself while whipping up a yummy batch of pan-fried turkey cutlets. Plus, she has a ghetto booty. Work it out Rachel Ray.

[Courtney]

Nobody suggested a pen!?

I am personally a Writing Utensil Aficionado. Here are my suggestions:

1. PaperMate FlexGrip Elite. Rubber barrel, smooth ink - writes like a dream and I don't go anywhere without them now!! I really would marry this pen if I could. It's all flashy and professional looking...I just can't say enough good things!

2. Pilot EasyTouch. The ink writes really nice, and I like the way that my writing looks with it. These used to be my favorite until Number One came along.

3. As for pencils, I suggest the Sanford ClearPoint, PaperMate Extend, or Pentel TechniClick. All are mechanical pencils with nice grips and erasers included. I like my writing precise, and the leads in these pencils make that happen and are great!! The PaperMate Extend does wear out easily (like, the barrel comes loose after a while, and the grip gets weird), but I still suggest it.

As a graduate student, there really are no joys in life outside of office supplies. I'm not this big of a nerd in person, I swear! Let me know what you choose!!

[hot toddy]

Dan you find the coolest stuff. I'd never seen Post Secret. So great! Thanks...

[Kaia]

My boyfriend loves rachel ray - i can't stand her b/c of all the hand movements - every FREAKING word has a gesture to go with it. It drives me nuts. I'm so glad someone else feels this same way.

Best Pen: Uniball Fusion. Love it!