Dear Jennifer Aniston,
Hi. I'm sorry to be writing to you about this, as you clearly have enough personal problems to be dealing with these days. But we need to chat.
I just saw your picture on the front of GQ's current issue. Quite a racy little picture there, isn't it, Miss Boobalicious? I, too, am a fan of provocative statements. But the appearance of your boob has me a little concerned.
Please understand my experience with women's breasts is quite limited. I've felt a few, but I was usually drunk during the experience. And I look at them all the time, as I live in a society where boobies are featured front-and-center of every image of women. So I have some basic working knowledge, but not much beyond that.
Even with my limited experience with the breastices, I could not help but notice just how obvious your implants are. It's not even in a sexually provocative way; in your photo, the bottom cleft of your right breast is exposed, and it actually curves in before it curves back out around the edge of the implant itself. It looks like you are hiding a wheel of mozzarella cheese in your titty.
Unless you're Jenna Jameson, you're not supposed to be proud of your implants. They're nothing to be ashamed of, obviously. Perhaps you got them to fit into clothes better, perhaps you got them to spice up your love life. Whatever. I'm going to get plastic surgery someday, it's fine. But showing it off gets on my nerves. Your boob implant is not supposed to be sexually provocative; YOU are, as a whole person. And the implants may help a little, but it's all in how you work them. Just sitting there showing them off is cheesy.
Jenna Jemason should be proud of hers because they are the basis of her career. That's fine, as she is a porn star who objectifies herself to make a living. You, supposedly, are not. You pretend to retain dignity by appearing in mainstream films and TV shows; yet when it comes down to it, you're just another girl flashing her boob job on the front of a men's magazine.
Every woman on the planet would look just fine without a single breast augmentation. Some choose to do it, and they feel better about themselves; that's great. Some do it to make themselves more attractive to men; and hell, men are visual beasts, a boob job might spice things up. We all do things to change our appearance. But just because the surgery is common, it doesn't mean that it's not a big deal. Going under the knife is always a big deal.
The boob job is not the point here; it's your body, do what you want. Please, I am a big fan of Cher, and she is one surgery away from looking like a Klingon. And I do plan on getting various plastic surgery procedures myself somedya. But you're on the front of a magazine, where women will see it and imagine that is what they need to do to be attractive, because Jennifer Aniston did it. To flaunt the fact that you got them--"Look, I wasn't as attractive when I didn't have these, but now I do, so I'm hot!"--is a little depressing. And super-cheap.
The pictures inside the magazine are weird, by the way.
Please, honey, pull it together. I recognize how your divorce has left you needy for male attention. I understand you need confirmation that you are beautiful. But what are you trying to say with this picture of your breat implants, all over America's newsstands? Speaking from an objective, non-sexual standpoint, I think they look freakish.
And chill the fuck out with all the magazine covers. You're turning into Britney Spears. Even Britney Spears doesn't really want to be Britney Spears anymore. So you may want to steer clear of that path.
Best of luck with Vince Vaughn, if there's any truth to that tabloid rumor. I bet Vince is big fun.