Dear Jennifer Anniston

Dear Jennifer Aniston,

Hi. I'm sorry to be writing to you about this, as you clearly have enough personal problems to be dealing with these days. But we need to chat.

I just saw your picture on the front of GQ's current issue. Quite a racy little picture there, isn't it, Miss Boobalicious? I, too, am a fan of provocative statements. But the appearance of your boob has me a little concerned.

Please understand my experience with women's breasts is quite limited. I've felt a few, but I was usually drunk during the experience. And I look at them all the time, as I live in a society where boobies are featured front-and-center of every image of women. So I have some basic working knowledge, but not much beyond that.

Even with my limited experience with the breastices, I could not help but notice just how obvious your implants are. It's not even in a sexually provocative way; in your photo, the bottom cleft of your right breast is exposed, and it actually curves in before it curves back out around the edge of the implant itself. It looks like you are hiding a wheel of mozzarella cheese in your titty.

Unless you're Jenna Jameson, you're not supposed to be proud of your implants. They're nothing to be ashamed of, obviously. Perhaps you got them to fit into clothes better, perhaps you got them to spice up your love life. Whatever. I'm going to get plastic surgery someday, it's fine. But showing it off gets on my nerves. Your boob implant is not supposed to be sexually provocative; YOU are, as a whole person. And the implants may help a little, but it's all in how you work them. Just sitting there showing them off is cheesy.

Jenna Jemason should be proud of hers because they are the basis of her career. That's fine, as she is a porn star who objectifies herself to make a living. You, supposedly, are not. You pretend to retain dignity by appearing in mainstream films and TV shows; yet when it comes down to it, you're just another girl flashing her boob job on the front of a men's magazine.

Every woman on the planet would look just fine without a single breast augmentation. Some choose to do it, and they feel better about themselves; that's great. Some do it to make themselves more attractive to men; and hell, men are visual beasts, a boob job might spice things up. We all do things to change our appearance. But just because the surgery is common, it doesn't mean that it's not a big deal. Going under the knife is always a big deal.

The boob job is not the point here; it's your body, do what you want. Please, I am a big fan of Cher, and she is one surgery away from looking like a Klingon. And I do plan on getting various plastic surgery procedures myself somedya. But you're on the front of a magazine, where women will see it and imagine that is what they need to do to be attractive, because Jennifer Aniston did it. To flaunt the fact that you got them--"Look, I wasn't as attractive when I didn't have these, but now I do, so I'm hot!"--is a little depressing. And super-cheap.

The pictures inside the magazine are weird, by the way.

Please, honey, pull it together. I recognize how your divorce has left you needy for male attention. I understand you need confirmation that you are beautiful. But what are you trying to say with this picture of your breat implants, all over America's newsstands? Speaking from an objective, non-sexual standpoint, I think they look freakish.

And chill the fuck out with all the magazine covers. You're turning into Britney Spears. Even Britney Spears doesn't really want to be Britney Spears anymore. So you may want to steer clear of that path.

Best of luck with Vince Vaughn, if there's any truth to that tabloid rumor. I bet Vince is big fun.

XOXO

Comments

[Hehehe!]

Wow- that was astoundingly and amazingly hilarious...

[Liz]

Hehe Dan you are so funny and it's so true about her being everywhere.

[JJ Funk]

Dear Dan,

"It looks like you are hiding a wheel of mozzarella cheese in your titty."

You are way too amusing for your own good.

P.S.
Angelina's are real. BOOYAH.

[Kathleen]

Seriously, and I was hung up on how oversized her jean shorts were. I had to go back and recheck the boob debacle. Plus, at her age, the wouldn't still be quite that perky if they were real.

[Kryss]

so not only does it rock to see you on tv because you always say the thing I'm thinking (no one else on tv but Judge Milian on People's Court does that) but also because you seem to lack the plastic personality that most people think they need (see above).

Anyway, just thought I'd tell ya that you rock like a hurricane

[christian]

pardon my saying so, but you sound just a little JEALOUS of her boobies...and perhaps even a little BITTER. LOL Did you want a pair of your own to play with?

Just lurve your blog!

[Scudder]

Funny comments: 10
Spelling: 0
aNiston, baby. I know you were still reeling from the picture to think straight!

[blackbird]

I'm hoping someone can explain that weird wall-limbo shot of her standing on the twin bed?
Am concerned that this is a new position that I should be aware of...

[Alpha Female]

really think they're fake, eh? i'm not so sure about aNiston's top.

[Jorge Martínez]

Quoting Drunk Girl...YOU DON´T EVEN KNOW HER!

[Sarah]

Man. I'm surprised by the nastiness of this post. Ummm...that's what breasts do...they stick out. Maybe her arm positioning makes the area look a little taut or unnaturally uplifted, but otherwise, I can't figure out what you're talking about. Maybe breast implants are so prevalent that men just assume any woman who has ample ones has fake ones. Anyway, still love your blog, just not so much this particular entry.

[Sucka in Miami]

Hilarious stuff. How's Delicious Deliveries?

[moss]

dude, Jorge, they don't stick out like THAT. Trust me. I'm a chick with phat knockers and hers look like they are bolted on.

[churchboy]

What's so extraordinary about Jen getting a boob-job? (if she actually got one that is) Nowadays plastic surgery is as ordinary as getting your hair died, and I'm shocked how you Dan can display so little emancipation yourself with your little-town comments...I bet your natural hair-colour is not that blonde you showcase on this website, is it? ;)

[Erin]

You see this is what's wrong with society today. Everyone is bad-mouthing everyone else. Leave the girl alone! My gosh, she's been through a terrible and humiliating divorce this year, not to mention the stress of doing four new movies and having her private life all over the tabloids. Her breasts don't even look fake, she looks beautiful! And even if they are fake, who cares, they belong to her and she can do what she wants with them! Obviously you are just an unhappy person who trashes others so you can feel better about your own insecurities!

[niki]

I read an article before that talked about her boobs and they aren't implants. She has deformed boobs. They actually pull away from eachother and she always has hard nipples. (If you ever noticed during friends)

[HelenSparkles]

The thing about your lack of experience, breasts are all different. Even if she thinks they are deformed, they are probably normal just a different shape from all those 'perfect' examples you've spotted in the odd ad!

[JensPureFake]

Dan -- All I can say is finally someone had the cajones to take lil' Miss innocent "natural" beauty to task. Her boobs are soooo fake. If you see any of her movies pre Friends you will see the lengths she goes through to hide her (then) small boobs. We noticed in the first season of Friends that she got the boob job. It was in the episode where Monica's credit card gets stolen. All of a sudden, Jennifer's boobs exploded. Before then she was always covered up in mostly loose clothing. After the boob job is when she started wearing all those tight shirts - y'know where she was not shy about revealing her nipples to the world. Oy vey. I find her such a vain, repulsive fraud - fake nose, fake hair, fake tan and fake forehead (the latter is due to her getting electrolysis on her forehead because of how hairy it was. see her h.s. pics if you doubt me).

So you are right - she is no example or role model for young girls to look up to. She is an example of self-hate, doubt and insecurity. Otherwise why would she change so much about herself? She needs the adulation of celebritydom - no matter how unreal it is. And she needs to show her body to get constant praise. So vain, so fake. For too long people were fooled by the "Mary sunshine" act. But when you give an interview crying about your supposed heartbreak and then choose to pose in your panties, something's not quite kosher there and rather manipulative. Thanks for giving us a good laugh!

[Mary]

You know what? I'm an expert, and they are real, kids!!! Look at pics of her when she was heavier, they were much bigger. THEY ARE REAL - I"m sure of it. Thing is, nothing, even the amount of weightloss and "hollywood" hair, makeup, diets, tanning etc. - none of it can make her the natural beauty she wishes she was. It's sad. She should stop trying to be sexy, it doesn't work, and play up personality and talent.

[Kira]

I miss you in US magazine, Dan! You're Fashion Police witticisms were soooo much funnier than anything they've got going now.