After traveling these past three weeks over three continents, I encountered many cultural differences which often caused me to pause. But social customs, table manners, social status of women versus men--these issues may take effort to accept, but they are not to be questioned simply because one is an American. We must embrace all the differences that allow us all to live lives unique, and allow others to find the paths that are right for them.

Except there is one cultural phenomenon I simply cannot grasp:

The bidet.

For those of you unfamiliar with the bidet, it is the entity on the right of the photo, next to the toilet which appears on the left. I have a camera full of pictures of bidets, simply because they fascinate me. It's not a toilet, it's not a sink; it's a place to squat down and stick your nether-regions out into the open and achieve contact with water, for the purpose of making yourself clean. A nice idea? I guess so. Pratical to implement? Not at all whatsoever. I tried.

Click on the picture to enlarge the image, and take a closer look at this bidet. Most of them, as is the case with this one, feature a spigot from which a gentle stream of water flows. However, when positioning yourself over the bidet, you have to squat down straddling the thing--thereby placing anything that needs to be washed towards the center of the bidet bowl. The stream of water is not strong enough to shoot all the way over and hit your targets, especially with the rest of your body in the way. And if you try to turn around for a more comfortable angle, facing the spigot, when you squat you bang your knees against the wall. A fountain from the center of the bowl would prove practical in this position; but as with this bidet (and most others), that's not what you get. And I must ask, why not? I don't get it.

So are you supposed to use your hands, and flick the water where it needs to go? I don't see how. When you do, you get water everywhere and drip it on your clothes. And no one wants bidet water on their pants. Nor are there EVER towels or toilet paper or anything within reach (notice, in this picture, the lack of drying implements!), so you have to shuffle over to the sink with your pants around your ankles. And then you trip and kill yourself. All because you wanted to see how the bidet works.

Always forward-thinking, the Asian solution appears to solve all these implementation problems:

Thank God I had my camera in my pocket, because as soon as I entered the bathroom I freaked out with excitement and took this picture. Simpler and space-saving, there isn't a separate unit for the bidet-ing; this model is merely a user-friendly hose attached to the toilet itself. The nozzle has a little lever on it, which you press to get a stream of water. Seems easy, right? Of course, I just had to try it, only because it was there begging to be tried.

Sadly, when I pressed the lever, a jet of water screamed forth from the hose with such force, the nozzle flew out of my hand. Instead of a gentle cleansing, I just shot myself in the head. I would have taken a picture of my face and hair dripping wet, but I was just too upset. This, of course, commenced at a formal dinner where I couldn't really explain that I was wet because I am flummoxed by the presence of bidets yet have no idea how to use them.

I loved the cultural exchange of being abroad. I loved the food. I loved an excuse to brush my teeth with Evian lest I accidentally ingest the local water. THAT made me feel fancy. But the bidet, I can do without. I see no point. And I refuse to believe anyone actually uses them, anyway. I think they are just there to fool the foreigners.

Comments

[Corey]

Thank you for the laugh... I really needed that this morning. Even though I'm a woman I can see myself doing the exact same thing because I'm more curious than Curious George. I've always wondered just HOW in the HELL one would properly use a bidet and I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Have a fabulous Thanksgiving!

[riki]

I've been using bidets since I was a child and every time I travel it's quite difficult to face the lack of it. Anyway the correct way of using it is to let the water flow and fill it up so that you can pick some water from it to clean while you're sit, it's so simple! :)

[Jen]

Who did you go on this vacation with?? Just curious! Sounds wonderful!
What do women do when they go to the toilet together, splash each other with the water? LOL LOL
Have a great weekend!
Jen

[Kristin]

I'm totally fascinated by bidets, too! Are they only for men? That's the impression that I get. If so, why? They are to clean the butt, right? Not the, um, front so why wouldn't they be unisex? Girls poop, too! I just don't get it. And are you supposed to really cleanse the area? Like, with soap and all? Towels are not provided, you say?? What the heck?? Now I'm more confused than ever...

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful for bidets and the curiosity they inspire worldwide. :-)

[erik]

wow. this (http://www.ehow.com/how_13097_bidet.html) just makes it sound even grosser, huh?

[David]

Nope, Kristin, bidets were originally for women, for cleaning the front parts.

[Bernie]

Yeah...I was told the bidet was for women only...I had a friend, who used to clean his feet in it, after trudging through Europe...he's such a beautiful dork. As for the phone in the bathroom. Whatever you do, DON'T TOUCH IT...I saw a program, where it is swimming with bacteria, feces, and urine.
And as someone who has worked hotels...don't sleep on the comforters, ask the housekeepers for a fresh blanket and take your own pillows. Bring those Clorox wipes to retouch doorknobs, sink and bathroom areas. TRUST ME!!!
Glad you had fun! Cheers!

[Scott]

http://www.ehow.com/how_13097_bidet.html

[kelly]

BAD BAD BAD MEMORIES OF ITALY TRAVELING. try pissing in a filthy hole next time lmfao. ahh.. gotta love the european hospitality nowadays.

[kelly]

BAD BAD BAD MEMORIES OF ITALY TRAVELING. try pissing in a filthy hole next time lmfao. ahh.. gotta love the european hospitality nowadays.

[Kim]

I just had to take a minute to tell you that you truly have a gift for storytelling. This just hit my funnybone and I can't stop laughing about it. I know what bidets are but I have never personally encountered one and judging by your experience I hope I never do! Thanks for making my day.

[Erica]

You do realize that Rick Steves recommends washing your feet, clothes, whatever in a bidet in your hotel room? Europe Through the Backdoor is a great book... but I couldn't bring myself to try this.

[josie]

this entry made me laugh out loud. i've never used a bidet and find hem odd and foreign. but i bet they're better than going to bathroom in a hole in the ground.

[christian]

oh. i always thought them thar thangs was drinkin fountains.

[Lori]

OMG Dan this blog was so funny that it had me laughing out loud and tears streaming down my face! You are the best!

[Bernie]

OMG, Scott...the How-to Directions were great...but wouldn't you hate being caught in such a compromising position...straddling a bidet with your bottom in the air...NICE!!!

[Stephanie]

I spent a month in Spain last summer, and the bidets were on the other side of the bathroom, I couldn't imagine pooping and then scambling with my pants down across the bathroom to the bidet.
We had about 20 people in the house, and no one used them for their intended purpose. people shaved and washed their clothes with them.

[JenR]

I too find bidets to be both fascinating and baffling. It seems to me that their very presence implies that one does not bathe often enough or thoroughly enough. And indeed, they were apparently invented in a time when the common practice was to bathe once a week at most.

Wikipedia has some interesting information on bidets: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bidet But what I found especially enlightening was a site found through one of the external links on the Wikipedia page. Specifically: http://www.poopreport.com/Consumer/Content/Bidet/bidet.html Do pay attention to Wikipedia's warning though: (Warning: contains photos of actual bidet usage.) No nether regions shown actually... just a couple of glimpses of buttocks. Yeah. Anyway... I can't believe how much time I just wasted looking up bidet info.