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  • REVIEW: COMING OUT PARTY
    coming out party finally hits australia. although they didn't think i am that funny. this, from the country whose biggest comedic achievement is crocodile dundee. screw them!
  • HOOKING UP...
    "hooking up in the real world," hosted by coral and myself. it ended up pretty good.
  • COMING OUT PARTY
    "coming out" stories told by comedians and writers. not a comedy show, per se, but is often funny.

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    K

    Sally Field's monologue at Julia Roberts' grave in "Steel Magnolias".

    Kristen

    This may be too dated, but I LOVE the speech from the end of "When Harry Met Sally" when Billy Crystal is trying to win Meg Ryan back. I can practically write it word for word! Not sure if it's a lame suggestion, but it always makes me smile.
    BTW, love the blog. Hugs.

    Stephanie

    There's got to be something from Monty Python. But then there's still that whole accent thing.

    Dan in DC

    Joan Crawford addressing the board of Pepsi Cola in 'Mommie Dearest'. "You think you can sweep the poor little window under the rug??" "This isn't my first time at the rodeo" "DON'T FUCK WITH ME FELLAS". You get the drift...

    Dan in DC

    Sorry.. Widow not Window (God I hate when I do that).

    Laura

    How about Samantha's "Honey, they don't call it a job for nothing..." speech from Season 3 of Sex and the City?

    Amber

    This site http://www.whysanity.net/monos/ is a collection of movie monologues. I don't have any specific suggestion but it should be a good place to look. What sort of audition is it supposed to be - funny, dramatic?

    Amber

    ah never mind, stupid question, you already said the style. maybe something from Office Space.

    Carlos

    My personal favorite.......

    Doralee Rhodes (9 to 5):

    So that's why everyone around here treats me like some dime-store floozy. They all think I'm screwing the boss. And you just love it, don't you? It gives you some kind of cheap thrill like knocking over pencils and picking up papers. I've put up with all of your pinching, poking, staring and chasing me around the desk because I need this job. But this is the last straw. I've got a gun out there in my purse. Up until now I've been forgiving and forgetting because of the way I was brought up, but I'll tell you one thing. If you say another word about me or make another indecent proposal, I'm gonna get that gun of mine and I'm gonna change you from a rooster to a hen with one shot. And don't think I can't do it.

    Angie

    There was a fabulous monologue by Frasier's agent who Frasier was trying to get to quit smoking and it was about the joys of smoking. The monologue was so effective that everyone in Frasier's apartment started smoking! If you can find that, it would be funny. Speaking of smoking, the Cigarette Smoking Man on the X-files did a great bitter monologue on the theme "Life is like a box of chocolates." Let us know what you decide!

    Kel

    Julia Sugarbakers "Just so you know, Marjorie, Suzanne was not just a Ms. Georgia, she was the Ms. Georgia..." Monolouge. I'm sure you can find it somewhere on the net.

    Ps.. You looked good last night.

    kel

    ps..Carlos. you are FABULOUS!

    Carlos

    Hey what's up with the comment section?? I'd like to get the credit for the 9 to 5 quote..lol.

    Carlos

    yatesy

    Bill Murray in Rushmore:
    You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and your going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you.

    Mandee

    Here's one from Mystery Science Theater 3000:

    Oh well, I guess I've heard about it before, too...It just never struck me like it did today. It seemed brand new and well I have so many questions. Like: Why? Why does one make out? And once you've started, how do you know you're done? And now, I consider it a greeting, like a firm handshake. Only with the lips, am I right? Oh yeah, is it necessary to USE the lips? I mean could I kiss with my forehead or my elbow? And are your teeth involved? And where in the heck do you store your tongue?? And another thing -- Do you suck or blow? Is it under some sort of strict rabbinical supervision or something? And here's a puzzler: Who kisses whom? And when? I mean, being a robot can I kiss animals? Or am I confined to a single species? Oh yeah, I can't pucker, is THAT a handicap? Ohhhh...How can a man in a single lifetime know everything there is to know about making out?!?!

    Kevin

    I'm with you, Kel:

    JULIA: I'm Julia Sugarbaker, Suzanne Sugarbaker's sister. I couldn't help over hearing part of your conversation.
    MARJORIE: Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was here.
    JULIA: Yes, and I gather from your comments there are a couple of other things you don't know, Marjorie. For example, you probably didn't know that Suzanne was the only contestant in Georgia pageant history to sweep every category except congeniality, and that is not something the women in my family aspire to anyway. Or that when she walked down the runway in her swimsuit, five contestants quit on the spot. Or that when she emerged from the isolation booth to answer the question, "What would you do to prevent war?" she spoke so eloquently of patriotism, battlefields and diamond tiaras, grown men wept. And you probably didn't know, Marjorie, that Suzanne was not just any Miss Georgia, she was the Miss Georgia. She didn't twirl just a baton, that baton was on fire. And when she threw that baton into the air, it flew higher, further, faster than any baton has ever flown before, hitting a transformer and showering the darkened arena with sparks! And when it finally did come down, Marjorie, my sister caught that baton, and 12,000 people jumped to their feet for sixteen and one-half minutes of uninterrupted thunderous ovation, as flames illuminated her tear-stained face! And that, Marjorie --- just so you will know --- and your children will someday know --- is the night the lights went out in Georgia!

    Layla

    Maybe you could do something from The Breakfast Club...or, I know there are lots of monologues from Clueless. :D It's harder to find funny ones than dramatic, I think. <3<3<3

    kel`

    kevin, you are a man after my own heart.

    Jean

    I think that the monologue that Rosie O'Donnell did in Beautiful Girls is fantastic. Granted it is a woman character but if you want tongue in cheek, this gives you that!

    Here it is...
    Gina: I'm speaking to both you, okay, you're both fucking insane. You wanna know what your problem is? MTV, Playboys, and Madison fucking Avenue. Yeah. Let me explain something to you. OK, look, girls with big tits have big asses, girls with little tits have little asses. That's the way it goes. God doesn't fuck around, he's a fair guy. He gave the fatties big, beautiful tits, and the skinnies little, tiny niddlers. If you don't like it, call him. (entering store) Hey Mitch. Thank you. Oh guys, look what we have here. (picking up Penthouse magazine and opening it) Look at this: your favorite. Oh, you like that?
    Tommy (Matt Dillon): I'd go along with that.
    Gina: Yeah, that's nice, right? Well, it doesn't exist, okay? Look at the hair. The hair is long, it's flowing, it's like a river. Well, it's a fucking weave, okay? And the tits. Please, I could hang my overcoat on them. Tits, by design, are intended to be suckled by babies. Yeah, they're purely functional. These are silcone city. And look, my favorite, the shaved pubis. Pubic hair being so unruly and all. Very vain. This is a mockery, this is a sham, this is bullshit. Implants, calogen, plastics, capped teeth, the fat sucked out, the hair extended, the nose fixed, the bush sh-these are not real women, alright? They're beauty freaks. And they make all us normal women with our wrinkles, our puckered boobs, hi Bob, our cellulite, seem somewhat inadequate. Well, I don't buy it, alright? What you fuckers, you think is that there's a chance in hell that you'll end up with one of these women you don't give us real women any thing approaching a commitment. It's pathetic. I don't know what you think you're going to do. You're going to end up 80 years old, drooling in some nursing home, and then you'll decide that it's time to settle down, get married, have kids? What are you going to do: find a cheerleader? Charge it, Mitch.
    Willie (Timothy Hutton): I think you're over simplifying.
    Gina: Oh, eat me. Look at Paul--with his models on the wall, his dog named Elle Macpherson. He's insane! He's obsessed. You're all obsessed. If you had an ounce of self-esteem, of self-worth, of self-confidence, you would realize that as trite as it may sound: beauty is truly skin deep. And you know what? If you ever did hook one of those girls, I guarantee you'd be sick of her.
    Tommy: (looking at the magazine) Yeah, I suppose I'd get sick of her, after about, what, 20 or 30 years?
    Gina: Get over yourself.
    Tommy: What?
    (They leave the store)
    Gina: No matter how perfect the nipple, how supple the thigh, unless there's some other shit going on in the relationship besides physical, it's going get old, okay? And you guys, as a gender, have got to get a grip, otherwise the future of the human race is in jeopardy.

    joe

    dan, ur always copying me. u take my agey (1st listing on website no less), u move into my city, u eat my foods, u steal all of my friends (claire and paige worship u) and now u want to use the only monologue i know... dont use it. i'm abandoning it. when u get to the part about "where a man can just park his car on the pavement and run down the street with fireworks shooting out of his nostrils it gets messy. and "bloody bullocky ugly" or somejunk is hard to say. and jeff will call u on your accent.

    i really like the monolouge from tarnation " my name is ;..." its touching and shows range


    come visit me on myspace xoxoxjoe

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