Murderball
ome friends dragged me off to Murderball, where we sat in a room filled with people who can walk and watched guys in wheelchairs beat the hell out of each other. By the end of it, we were pretty into it--to the point where we were debating who was the hottest rugby guy. And then when we left, we crashed into everything in our path on our way to the parking garage. Boom. It was a pretty good documentary.
If you're going to live life in a wheelchair, I think a few rules apply:
1) Get a wheelchair that has a little color on it. Rolling around in one of those institutional-gray things is so pointless; we all see the chair, you might as well show it off. If you don't have the money for a fancy purple chair, then decorate yours somehow, or paint it or something. Personally, I'm a fan of the one guy who had wheels with little blinking red lights. Super-cool. (Same thing goes for canes cruthes, etc.)
2) If you are physically capable, participate in an activity where your chair is an elemental feature. Yes, you can do all sorts of things that everyday people do, as if the chair didn't matter; but you should take it a step further, and use it to your advantage. Quad Rugby is a fantastic example of a sport that a lot of able-bodied people would like to play...although not everyone can crash into each other all day like that, but you might as well figure out a way to have fun with what you've got. I.e., get some friends, both of able-bodied and wheelchair-confined means, and organize a jousting tournament, using those floatation-Noodles as spears. After the "Oh my God, what are they doing" shock, it could actually be really fun.
3) Don't run over my feet like that one guy did a few years ago, because he was mad I was in his way. No need to drive angry.
4) If you get around by pushing yourself, realize that you very well may have a totally hot torso, due to all that physical activity. Don't be afraid to show off your muscles. Guys, get a gay friend to go buy you some good sleeveless shirts. We know where to get the best ones.
5) Head to the dance floor. Most able-bodied people cannot dance whatsoever, and just bounce around; a guy in a wheelchair doing some wheelies and 360s would be a big hit, and you'd look better than my brother doing the white man's overbite all night.
6) I had a head injury when I was 18, and spent several months learning how to walk properly again. During that time, I would hobble around with my cane and enter as many public buildings as possible, testing their handicap-accessibility. If I couldn't get in easily, I demanded they fix their doors, or add ramps or whatever. It's a law, you know. Stand up for yourself. Even if you can't.
I myself am in a wheelchair due to a car accident which left me paralyzed from the waist down... I admire those guys who play that sport... If I wasn't a girl I would do the same thing!!!
I love reading your post Dan... They make me smile!!
Revan
Posted by: revan | July 29, 2005 at 10:42 AM
Those guys have great outlooks on their lives! I think if I were in a wheelchair, not sure if I'd be able to do that...More power to them! Good luck with the screenings!
Posted by: Roy | July 29, 2005 at 10:46 AM
Did you really hurt your noggin Dan? Poor guy.
Did you see you on the "Kill reality" auditions that is playing on E!?
Let's talk about Tonya shall we?
Posted by: Aitch | July 29, 2005 at 10:52 AM
I would get spinner rims for my wheelchair.
Posted by: Liz | July 29, 2005 at 11:35 AM
Dan, I just want you to know that I fucking love you.
A couple of weeks ago I saw Larry Flynt at the grand opening of the Hustler Store. Did you know that fool has gold rims on his wheelchair? It's so pimp.
Posted by: Mimi | July 29, 2005 at 07:52 PM
HA!.. Soo funny! This is my first time actually ready your blog. My friend Nate told me to check it out! I must say very very amusing! If I were in a wheelchair, I'd put bummer guards on it.. and just run people of the sidewalk. HA!
Posted by: Crystal | July 29, 2005 at 09:04 PM
I suspect you will be a kick-ass uncle... one those girls will grow up to appreciate. I too am curious as to what you think about Harry Potter - I'm jealous that you still have some of it left to read.
If I had to use a wheelchair, I would try to have different ones to go with different outfits... a more conservative, but class one for work... one with lots of colors and political bumper stickers for the weekends... and a hot red one with lots of sparkle for night on the town.
Posted by: Erica | July 29, 2005 at 09:26 PM
Awesome post Dan. It made me happy to read it.
Posted by: Liz | July 30, 2005 at 06:22 AM
Omg that must have been horrible(getting hurt like that)...BTW, was it just me or were you at the auditions for Kill Reality on E??
Posted by: Zach | July 30, 2005 at 02:31 PM
"BTW, was it just me or were you at the auditions for Kill Reality on E??"
OMG I saw that too! I was like "Holy crap, is that Dan?" but I wasn't sure. If it WAS you, they so shoulda cast you. You on a show w/ Rob Cesternino=My Favorite Show Ever.
Posted by: Kay | July 30, 2005 at 06:22 PM
Freakin' hilarious. If you're in a wheelchair no need to go with boring gray -- right on!
Posted by: Mary-Mia | July 30, 2005 at 07:23 PM
Great post. Murderball is the next movie on my to-watch list, right before March of the Penguins.
Speaking of wheelchair coolness, check out Darius at http://www.dariusgoeswest.com.
Posted by: Jasmine | August 01, 2005 at 07:36 AM
Hogsett was completely the hottest rugby guy. Zupan was a close second.
Posted by: Benj | August 02, 2005 at 12:05 PM
Murderball is fantastic.
Posted by: Matteo | August 02, 2005 at 02:42 PM