Dear Donatella Versace,

Hi. How are you? I hope all is well with you. I hate to bother you with complaints, but I need to get something off my chest.

Yesterday when I was shopping in your store, the salesperson waved her arm at a rack of clothes and said everything was 50% off. Excited as I was to find a great bargain, I grabbed a pair of pants, tried them on, and immediately fell in love with the gorgeous fashion-ness wrapped around me. 50% off, and cool as hell. What a great day.

But when I brought the new pants to the cash register, I was informed they were NOT on sale, after all. Oops. Those pants were the "only thing" on that rack that was full price. Darn the luck.

Here's the thing. I would have bought the pants anyway, even if the "sale" motif wasn't dangled in front of my face like a tasty pret-a-porter carrot. Your salespeople may have noticed the other shopping bags in my hand, as I was in your store on a big shopping spree. I haven't bought myself clothes in months and I wanted to buy myself a little happy-happy. And the pants fit me pretty darned well, even if I am a little thick around the middle these days. (But who isn't?) Sadly, when you pull the whole bait and switch thing, it just makes me feel cheap and dirty. Which I am. (Again, who isn't?) But at that moment, those pants just weren't any fun anymore. So I left without them.

You know, I don't need some uppity lady who works in a shop judging me because I hesitated at paying full price for those pants. In fact, I don't need uppity ladies who work in shops judging me for any reason at all. They're just clothes, honey, and it was just a shopping mall. No need to create need for yourself by pretending you're "exclusive" or better than someone else.

So if you want to send me the pants, I'll pay the 50% price I was hoping for. It really would be a gesture of good will, don't you think? Send me a note and I'll give you my address. And thanks for the cologne samples, I smelled great the rest of the day.

Kiss kiss,

Dan

P.S. That neon orange? Honey. No good.

Comments

[Kayleigh]

who needs pants? nakedness!

[David]

I hate when I experience that bait and switch thing. It makes me want to take a dump in their dressing room.

[Aitch]

See? In Target there is no bait and switch technique and better yet? No uppity sales people!

[Joe]

David, nobody likes working at Target, therefore they don't need to be uppity.

[Cody]

Now way did you compare Target to Versace.

There is no comparison. Please do not ever compare the fine detail of Versace to the skin-chapping Target.

[Esther]

That uppity woman? Probably the same one from Pretty Woman. And don't you even pretend you don't know what scene I mean. This is my first time here, and I already know that you know.

I love writing letters to celebrities. You might enjoy my Madonnanthology (estherkustanowitz.typepad.com/myurbankvetch2005/madonnanthology/index.html).

[Chris]

That has to be the best complaint letter ever!!

[Ninotchka]

I was at a certain uppity mall in the big D when I saw a gorgeous couch in this chi-chi store. I just had to see this couch and how much it cost. The snooty saleslady spotted me immediately and I suddenly felt very out of place in sweaty exercise clothes. Still, I had to ask "How much is that couch?" And she coldly uttered a 5-figure amount that I couldn't help but to gasp at. I'm a smart ass through and through so I replied with a "Hmm. Too much for me!" and what she said next, astounded me:

"Honey, it's too much for most of us!"

Right there I wanted to kiss her full in the mouth for keeping it real.

I simply cannot STAND snooty sales people. I don't care where you work, if you have to work you're no better than me. And even if you didn't have to work, you're STILL no better than me, so shove it!

[Jen]

Sounds like a homos nightmare!!! AAHHHHH LOL

[Roy]

Hahahaha..that's hilarious!!! But that totally sucks about those pants. I hate it when something appears to be on sale, when in fact it's not! That really irks me! And Dan, who shops at Versace any longer? Not I. It's not really my thing. But I am sure the pants looked hawt on you. I'd be hard-pressed to find anything to look ugly on you. I mean, come on Dan, you are gorgeous! And fuck bitches that work at stores like that. Here in SF I have had nothing but great experiences at shops. In LA, it was a different story. Most stores I shopped at, the help were not very helpful or nice. And btw, how are you liking your new digs?

[Michael]

Ahh, the salebait-and-switch. That's a favorite of mine. First you must determine, "these pants are $120 hot, but are they $240 hot?" Out. Loud. And preferably to the snooty saleswoman's manager's face.

In making that decision, it's also key to find flaws in the produt: trendier designer clothes (i.e., not staples like suits and sport coats) tend to be sloppily made. Point out the machine stitching in your out-loud decision making. The manager and sales lady don't know hoe to tell either.

;-)

[Michael]

That's "how to tell"

[Peter]

I really hope Donatella writes back. That would be. . . wonderful!

[Donatella]

darn i missed the dear dan section... where do i send in my leters????

[Mariana]

Versace is for nouveau-riche Eurotrash and the people that misguidedly try to emulate them. Trashy clothes with an inflated price tag. Why bother agonizing?

[Ibiza]

I HATE uppity sales people. They turn me off regardless if anything is on sale or not.

I also want to know where to write my "Dear Dan" letter...

[tim]

Having worked retail I have to tell the other side. When customers find a sale rack they deposit anything they had in their hands on that rack and end up buying the sale item. Then another customer finds the full price item minutes later. It happens a thousand times a day and people get real angry with you when you have to give them the bad news. But she had no reason to give you attitude though.