Dear Oscar-show producers:
You want to know what America thought of last night's show? Here are highlights of the 2005 Academy Awards, as interpreted by my living-in-the-Midwest parents.
scene: Drew Barrymore interviewed on the red carpet.
Dad: Whoa! Drew Barrymore's grown up. Jeeeesus.
scene: Penelope Cruz interviewed on the red carpet.
Dad: She's not going to be able to sit down. That bow on her dress is going to go right up her fanny!
scene: clips of past exceptional Oscar-acceptance speeches are highlighted, including Tom Hank's tearful "there are thousands of angels in heaven" speech for 1994's AIDS-drama Philadelphia.
Mom: I liked his speech too...but he's really gained a lot of weight over the years.
scene: opening credits are rolling.
Dad: I just want to see Chris Rock. I like Chris Rock.
scene: history of film highlights flashing across screen; includes a clip of "The Birdcage."
Mom: Is Nathan Lane dead?
scene: Supporting Actor nominees are introduced.
Dad: Morgan Freeman is going to win.
scene: Morgan Freeman wins.
Dad: YEP! Yep.
scene: Beyonce sings that song in French.
Dad: Boy, that Beyonce can really sing, can't she?
scene: Supporting Actresses nominees are introduced.
Dad: Cate Blanchett is going to win this one.
scene: Cate Blanchett wins.
Dad: YEP! Yep.
scene: Counting Crows perform (a somewhat-lifeless rendition of) nominated song "Accidentally In Love."
Dad: I can't believe THIS is an Academy Award-nominated song.
Mom: Why, because of his hair?
scene: while filming the announcement of "Best Costume Design," the cameras film sweeping views of the audience in the theater's mezzanine.
Mom: Is that Meryl Streep? Why did they put her all the way back THERE?
scene: During a commercial break, my parents beginn discussing "Alexander" and "Troy".
Mom: Did you see "Troy?" It was good, although Brad Pitt is no Charleton Heston.
scene: Josh Groban starts to sing the final nominated song.
Mom: Ooo, good, I love Josh Groban.
Dad: Now THIS is a good song.
scene: Prince announces Song nominees.
Dad: You can tell they're going for a younger audience, with him announcing.
Mom: No they're not, it's a black thing!
Dad: What, the young kids don't like him?
Mom: No, it's because he's black! It's all a black thing this year. Why do you think they keep showing Oprah up in front, but they stuck MERYL STREEP in the back row?
scene: Sean Penn is walking on stage to announce Actress nominees.
Dad: Okay, Sean, behave yourself.
Mom: He has such an explosive temper.
scene: Picture nominees are announced...keep in mind Dad predicted Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress wins.
Mom and Dad at same time: I haven't seen any of these movies.
scene: closing credits.
Dad: Chris Rock is good, but they won't ask him back again.
Mom: He didn't seem comfortable.
Dad: No, it wasn't a good fit.