Dear Gwyneth Paltrow,
Hi, how are you? Congratulations on your new baby daughter. And I see you decided to name her "Apple." How nice.
Coming from someone whose middle name is "Francis," I can assure you: despite her claims that she likes the originality, you daughter will never, ever forgive you for that name. But I'm curious: why such a boring fruit? Perhaps "Lychee" or "Kumquat" seemed too outlandish, but "Apple" seemed perfectly normal?...
When she's 15, I'm sure she'll really enjoy all the pubescent boys who want a taste of "Apple Pie." Rest assured, your daughter is going to be VERY popular.
Give little Apple a big kiss for me.
All my best,
Dan
Ya know, I thought the same thing, 'apple pie,' how sad!
Oh, hi, I'm Vicky. Nice to meet you. :)
Posted by: Vicky | May 18, 2004 at 01:19 PM
One little typo on her last name on school records and she will be a drink on the menu! That poor child!
Posted by: rich | May 18, 2004 at 01:32 PM
Too funny - she's gonna love the nicknames: Pippin, Granny Smith, Gold 'n Delicious...The mind reels.
Posted by: BoBo | May 18, 2004 at 02:15 PM
Apple...it's just awful. I wrote about this too.
You have to see the link that I posted with the top 10 worst celeb names.
Posted by: Irah | May 18, 2004 at 04:07 PM
No. Something is really wrong with you. I can't take this. I try to come here and maintain my composure but you gotta go and act a fool. But Gwenyth does need her ass mollywhopped for naming that child Apple.
Posted by: raven | May 18, 2004 at 05:22 PM
Damn, I loved this post. It made me laught out loud. I like to think that I'm open minded about other points of view, but this poor child will be teased throughout her life. Apple could have been a great nickname, but seriously, as an actual name...
Posted by: Dan | May 18, 2004 at 10:31 PM
I guess that Apple is better than Cherry?? Especially with the 'pie' reference.
Posted by: Stephen | May 19, 2004 at 02:38 AM
I don't think Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter is going to be too bad off for the name. It's not as if she's going to be enrolled in public schools, with the heathens I grew up alongside. She'll be in high-class joints, with other celebrity kids with other stupid names, and everyone will defer to her, despite her name, because they'll want her mommy to shoot their screenplay.
Posted by: Tony | May 19, 2004 at 05:21 AM
Dear Daniel Francis,
I was not aware that your middle name displeases you, but it is duly noted and I will add it to the list. As a refresher, however, your middle name was chosen for you to honor my father, Francis Martin, and also your great grandmother, Frances (Granny-Granny) - two amazingly wonderful people. Each time I call you Daniel Frances I am reminded of them. And let's not forget Francis Sinatra. And Francis Ford Coppola. Hopefully, "Apple" will consider her parent's reasons before deciding not to like her name. I think it's kind of cute. Certainly, she is the "apple of their eyes" as any child is to his or her parents!
Posted by: Judith Ann | May 19, 2004 at 08:31 AM
Daniel Francis...looks like Judith Ann has put you in your place, and rightly so.
Love,
Michael Todd
Posted by: hot toddy | May 19, 2004 at 10:33 AM
I am guessing the reason they named the baby Apple is the name of the Record Lable owned by Sir George Martin (Chris' father) who was considered (this is so lame) "the 5th Beatle", is called Apple Records.
Settled.
Posted by: Andrew | May 19, 2004 at 12:08 PM
I think Gwyneth's lying - she really named the child something perfectly normal like Molly or Elizabeth, but told her publicist to announce that she'd named her "Apple" just to see people freak out.
Posted by: Robyn | May 19, 2004 at 12:20 PM
FYI: "Judith Ann" is my mother, who I adore and think is the best mother in the world and I would never ever question any decision she made in her parenting process--including her choice of my middle name, which I will now use as my actual name in an offering of reverence (is that spelled right?) to my beloved ancestors, and the other Francis/Frances individuals that have graced this planet with their greatness, even though I never knew them.
But I still think "Apple" is really stupid. I'm allowed to have my own opinion on that topic.
Posted by: Dan | May 19, 2004 at 12:21 PM
Haha, I about died when I saw it on E! I can't believe she did that. What an odd choice. I guess names like Brittany and Lindsay were too played out and normal for her.
Posted by: Liz | May 19, 2004 at 08:47 PM
Who names their child a piece of fruit?!
Posted by: Cristina | May 19, 2004 at 10:52 PM
i heard it's 'cause gwyneth (yep, we're on a first-name basis... yeah) was raised in NYC. the big apple. personally, i'd rather call my child 'the city that never sleeps.'
Posted by: Rachel | May 19, 2004 at 11:52 PM
i know a girl named Apple from Laguna Beach, CA. As far as I know, everyone accepts her for her name and let's get on with it. I is a name , there are a lot of names out there that a lot of us never heard of, I really dont understand why this has to be such a topi cof interest, why CNN felt the need to make it top news that she named her daughter Apple. Oh yeah, and who's Dan? Something about the Real World or something. Yeah, I dont watch it, but I did watch some Inferno. Dan are you on that show??
Posted by: jeff | May 20, 2004 at 02:30 AM
Rachels got a point, that's like calling their daughter Paris or something like that - which in my opinion is lame too. Yeah apple *rolls eyes* is too out there, even for Gwyneth Paltrow
Posted by: CyberPete | May 20, 2004 at 04:37 AM
The whole thing is so tongue-in-cheek it actually hurts.
Posted by: shahjay | May 20, 2004 at 06:39 AM
At least she didn't give her the name "Cranberry" like my parents gave me.
Posted by: Pauly D | May 20, 2004 at 04:41 PM
She should have named her 'Austin'-- get it? Austin Martin?!? Bahhhaaahh... wheez... seriously, I love apples. But if I ever have a child, I think I'll name him 'Spumanti' (if you met someone named 'Spumanti', you'd SMILE when you said thier name, and the would feel loved). In any case, 'Francis' is a lovely name, Dan. You should be proud of it. After all, where would we be without it? Just imagine a world without 'Francises'... there'd have been no... em... Connie Francis...!
Posted by: Brion | May 20, 2004 at 11:24 PM
When I was a teenager, a lot of Chinese girls in Hong Kong who didn't have English names, gave themselves one. Apple was very popular. That was in the eighties. I wish the guys in Hollywood will stop ripping us off. Next thing I know, you're going steal our best talent and make them come to America and leave us with these really awful bad movies to watch. Oh, wait that's already happenned.
Yan
Posted by: Glutterbug | May 21, 2004 at 05:09 AM
I suppose when your name is Gwenyth and your mother's name is Blythe...Apple is a step forward. Anyways, did you hear what Jason Lee named his kid Pilot Inspektor...WTF?!
At least Apple is easy to pronounce....I've spent 80% of my life saying that's Sham-ree not Sham-OR-i or Sammurai or Shamrock or Shamu or any of the other stupid shit people come up with in their feeble attempts to be clever.
Posted by: Shamori | May 24, 2004 at 12:55 AM
Hilarity to the max. I used to wish I had a more unique name than just 'joseph' but alas I don't. The more I think about it the more I find peace of mind. I really do believe that names influence people to a certain degree but what we truly make of ourselves comes within. However, with a name like 'apple' I think one may have to overcome a few more obstacles before what is naturally inside comes out.
Hey...maybe she'll get a cute nickname and be some cult sensation. People could call her Granny Smith. You know...like the apples?
*stops while he is ahead*
Posted by: Joseph | May 25, 2004 at 12:02 AM
let's hope she never suffers from a yeast infection and takes on the nickname "applecrisp".
Posted by: ronP | May 30, 2004 at 02:12 PM