Dear Gwyneth Paltrow,
Hi, how are you? Congratulations on your new baby daughter. And I see you decided to name her "Apple." How nice.
Coming from someone whose middle name is "Francis," I can assure you: despite her claims that she likes the originality, you daughter will never, ever forgive you for that name. But I'm curious: why such a boring fruit? Perhaps "Lychee" or "Kumquat" seemed too outlandish, but "Apple" seemed perfectly normal?...
When she's 15, I'm sure she'll really enjoy all the pubescent boys who want a taste of "Apple Pie." Rest assured, your daughter is going to be VERY popular.
Give little Apple a big kiss for me.
All my best,